The hypocritical parent

We probably all know someone who fits this description and I've mentioned this occurring in a couple of blogs. I'm talking about those parents who have really naughty, badly behaved children, who never tell their own children off, yet are so willing to tell other people's children off.

This happened with my children the other day. I was visiting with a handful of women with children. The children played together while the women drank coffee and talked.

Every so often one of the children would come in complaining about one of the little boys who was there. "He's throwing stones", "He's kicking the pile of leaves I've gathered", "He's taking bricks from the retaining wall and not putting them back".

Not once did the mother of this child go out and tell him to stop, give him time out, tell him if he doesn't behave he'll have to leave. Instead the other mothers had to either tell their children to ignore him, move away from him, tell him to stop, or they'd go out and have words with this little boy themselves.

Don't do your children a disservice

By disservice I mean don't raise a child no one likes.

Sadly I know of a number of children who others find hard to like or tolerate because their parents are too lenient. I feel bad for these children. It's not their fault they don't know the rules or how to be respectful towards others and their property. It's not their fault they have lax parents who don't bother teaching them right from wrong in any respectful and consistent manner. It's not their fault they're so badly behaved others can't stand to be around them.

It is the parent who is at fault yet sadly this reflects badly on the child when other children and adults struggle to like them.

For example: 

Don't let your children grow up too quick

You see it all the time these days. Young girls wearing copious amounts of makeup, hair dyed, dressing like superstars, fake nails. Little girls with bras and g.strings and t.shirts with inappropriate slogans on them.

Little boys wearing brand clothing, t.shirts with inappropriate slogans on them, smoking, drinking V or other adult type beverages, or viewing porn.

When I see this I wonder what the parents are thinking?

In cases like this I always assume the parents were wanting to be their child's best friend instead of a leader and role model.

I'll say it again... as parents it is your job to be a leader and a good role model. At a time when children's role models are celebrities, greedy corporations selling them logos as ideals, sports players who earn exorbitant amounts of money compared to the rest of us mere mortals, video characters and barbie dolls (real and toy ones), it is essential they have a decent parent/adult/role model to look up to.

As an adult you know your childhood went too quickly and you can't get those years back. Do not be in a rush to push your child/ren into adulthood. They're only young once and the world can be a magical place for a child. Let them be young, let them be children, let them play and explore and enjoy their world. They have plenty of time to grow up later.

Trust is earned

Often parents say this about their children, however parents have to be trustworthy too.

There's no point telling a child you verbally or physically abuse that trust is earned. There is no point in telling a child you berate and insult to show you respect. There's not point in having children you spoil and don't discipline and telling them they must listen to you. There's no point in leaving your children with strangers so you can go off to get high or drunk and insisting your children love and adore you no matter what.

As a parent you need to earn that trust as well. You need to be the type of person you want your children to be. If you want them to be respectful show them respect. If you want them to be caring, be caring. If you want them to grow up being well rounded people, don't dump them on strangers while you selfishly pursue your own agenda, or insult and berate them, or abuse them and ruin who they could be.

Parenting is hard. There is no manual on how to be a good parent and there are a lot of mixed messages on what it means to be a good parent. Some will read this blog and dislike my methods while others think some of it is ok, for some the words might resonate. 

Much of what we do as parents is the same stuff that was done to us growing up because it's what we learned. What we know. It's too easy to fall back into a pattern of yelling at your children or hitting them if that is what was done to you as a child. That's what you know. You don't know how to be any other way. Right?

Yet, everything you do as a parent you do as a choice. You can choose to be an awful parent or you can choose to be a nice parent. You can choose to remain ignorant or you can choose to educate yourself; go out and read those parent books or parenting blogs, go and speak to parenting experts, borrow books from the library, ask people whom you feel parent well for tips or help.

Make it your job, because it is YOUR job, to be a trustworthy, caring and loving parent. It is YOUR job to make sure your children do not get so damaged they turn into problem adults, who suffer and struggle through life wondering how to make themselves feel better. Only to have children of their own whom they struggle to love and care for.

Struggling as a parent? Have violent tendencies and anger issues? Seek help. Ask questions from people who give helpful advice.

Types of school parents

Minglers. 

They gather in groups, happily conversing the time away while they wait for the bell to go and their children to come rushing out. How is so & so? How's the weather, they ask. Small talk. I happily watch those minglers wondering how they manage to do it. How they stay so cheerful and positive, even how they tell negative stories in a positive way. "Oh yeah, he's struggling with English at the moment, his math is great though." "Yeah, hubby's been sick for 3 day now, the man flu." They laugh at the appropriate times, ask the right questions. Never seem to be stressed, anxious, depressed, while they talk about work, husband, children, weather.

There are shy parents who stand back. Up front parents who confront. Too-busy parents who professed to have tonnes of work to do, never enough time to get it all done.

Teach your children how to cook

Curtis Stone, Jamie Oliver and many others out there are stating that too many children today are growing up unable to cook. They get to their teens then adulthood without ever having learned the most basic dishes. These same people usually turn to junk food and take away or frozen dinners which only compels our obesity crisis. They're also more likely to raise children who can't cook and the cycle continues.

I've seen this for myself.  With the introduction of ready made foods many friends I grew up with had parents who were heating up meals but not actually preparing or cooking meals. Those friends grew up unable to cook and now have children who are also not embracing cooking.  That is generations of people losing one of our most basic survival skills: cooking!!!!

Recently there was a meme floating around on social media, meant to be a funny joke that said: "Men cooking... Because the last generation of mothers didn't teach their daughters jack."

That joke puts all the onus on mothers failing and suggests that men cooking is a bad thing. The truth is a great many males and females haven't learned to cook even the most basic foods.

Fussy eater

I think most parents have at least one fussy eater during their time. Either their own children or another child they're looking after. For me it's my youngest. The list of foods they won't eat is long and their reaction to being served foods they refuse to eat is tiresome and annoying.

They burst into tears each and every time they're is given something they don't like. They'll be given mashed potato, sausages and beans and be in tears because they don't like mashed potato and beans. They'll be given a jam sandwich and burst into tears because they don't like jam. They'll burst into tears because they don't like bananas, or carrots, or Brussels sprouts (ok, I understand that one), or peas, or corn, or lettuce, or tomato...

The list of dislikes is endless, if not growing, while the choice of likes mostly revolves around foods that don't hold much nutritional value - such as foods made with processed wheat and sweets. I don't really understand the outbursts either because it's not as though they work. They don't get another meal in it's place. They don't get to eat the bits they like and leave the bits they don't; that results in being sent to bed or not getting anything else to eat until the other food is eaten. Yet they continue to cry and cry and cry each time they're served something they don't like.

I'm getting to breaking point with this child because my other children understand how food works in our house. It is a privilege to be getting food because many people go without wholesome foods daily.

Seriously there are people going hungry as we speak, homeless people with no means of getting a decent meal, poverty stricken countries with no means of feeding their people, and overweight people making really bad food choices and killing themselves and their children slowly.

Ditch the dummy

I had a little girl come and stay with me. She was 3 at the time and still very much addicted to her dummy, sucking on it during the day, all day actually. Up the street when shopping, at the playground, kinder etc.

Her parents couldn't get her to stop using her dummy but then they had difficulty doing a great many things for their little girl and no one to help them with their ordeals. And also suffering from a little bit of parental laziness. 

They had talked to me about their dilemma in getting their daughter to ditch the dummy and I had given advice which they promptly put in the too hard basket. They mentioned hoping I'd have some luck getting her ditch the dummy when they dropped her off for the weekend.

Soon after this little girl came to stay with me we lost the dummy. She spent a good part of the day trying to find it, trying to remember when she saw it last. I helped her look as well, pretending I didn't know where it was.

I thought she'd be upset, crying her eyes out, but she just got on with her time with us. We played inside, went for walks, went to the park, cooked and ate and generally had a good time.

By the time her parents came back to pick her up she had all but forgotten about the dummy. I talked to the mum about how we lost the dummy and how the little girl was fine without it. Thinking I'd done her a nice favour. The mum had said she wanted the dummy gone but didn't know how to do it.

A couple of days later I find out she had her dummy again, wouldn't give it up and the parents couldn't get her to stop using it again.

Sometimes parents create battles for themselves with their children. Sometimes they create battles where there need not be any. They think giving in to every whim makes their lives easier or their child happier. They think taking the lazy, I can't be bothered, way out makes their battle less troublesome. That is far from the truth.

Control crying, is it bad?

Many people debate control crying. A lot of people talk about both sides of the story leaving you wondering is it really that bad/good?

There are also a great many mothers out there not getting a good night's sleep even though their child is over 12 months and should now be sleeping through the night.

I was one such mother.

When my partner and I had our first child they had no idea what they were doing. They'd never been a parent before and didn't know what to expect and how to deal with a crying baby. Every time the baby cried they went running to it to pick it up and comfort it, or pressure me into doing so. Certain the baby was in some type of distress.