5 DON'TS for dating with children

Are you a single parent looking for love? How have you gone about it so far? If its not going well for you ask yourself if you've made these common mistakes.

1) Introducing your children too soon.
You like him, you think he's great, however, you haven't known him long enough to know whether he wants children let alone likes them, let alone likes a whole brood of them! One mother had a brood of children and they all lived in a caravan. For whatever reason, she thought it would be a good idea to bring her date back to the caravan and have the kids jumping and crawly all over him, on their first date. Needless to say he never went back for more.

2) Your children lack discipline and are badly behaved.
This reflects bad on you because it means your parenting skills are lacking. Maybe the potential new partner might be a good sort and help sort your children out... however, most parents can't stand someone new coming along and telling them they're not doing it right. They resent the intervention and see it as an insult. Or they swing the other way and let some ogre of a person into their children's lives to lord over them like an angry, unforgiving God.

3) You have multiple children to different parents.
Like it or not, a lady who has many children to different fathers is not viewed very highly, and it's similar for men in the same position. Regardless of the standard judgments and opinions, I view it as this: what are you doing that makes these partners not want to stay? The possibility of dating people who can't hold onto partners and who aren't realising the errors of their ways is not appealing. Are you too clingy? Too possessive? Too full on too soon? Too jealous? Are you having babies with people because you think it will force them to stay?

4) Favouring your children above others.
I knew a woman guilty of this. She had a spoiled child who never had any serious consequences for her poor behavior, yet she hammered her partner about his children's behavior. Quite judgmental and lacking in understanding as to what they were going through (new divorce, new girl friend, unruly child moved in), and with even less interest. Everyone was angry and full of resentment. This could have been avoided if the man had told her she needs to focus on her own child and leave his children alone.

5) You don't pay for or care about the children you already have.
I knew a man who complained all the time about how much money came out of his pay to go towards his children. Of course he said it went to his bitch of an ex wife (unappealing to hear a man speak about another woman this way). You contributed to the making of those children. You also contributed to the breakdown of your relationship, whether you're honest with yourself about that or not. It's not the bitch ex wife's (husband's) fault you have children you have to take care of. How do you think any potential partner is going to view someone who doesn't take care of their children's well-being?

Are you guilty of any of these? Any other mistakes that could be added to the list?

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)

I have a friend who says her son has ODD and maybe he does. He certainly is oppositional and defiant! He's rude and hard to be around.

One way she has tackled the issue is by restricting his chemical and additive intake. There is an app called Fedup which lists food additives and their reactions and effects on the human body and mind. For e.g. the butter on movie cinema popcorn isn't really butter, it's just a flavored substance that causes drowsiness and fatigue. So if you and your children are tired and irritable after a movie that's most likely the reason why.

She has researched high and low for foods her son is allowed to eat and made this the whole families regular way of eating. Her son has gotten use to knowing what he can and cannot eat and is accepting of it for the most part, although he does want and sometimes eats foods that don't agree with him.

I have seen him first hand have meltdowns and I do notice the difference when he's on the restricted food intake vs eating additive filled foods.

I've also seen him get away with murder (literally) so I know his defiance isn't just about ODD or additives. When he acts out or hurts other children (which he does a lot for what ever psychological reasons are going on within him) his parents do so little. There is rarely any serious consequence to any given action.

I'll give you some examples.

Play with your children

Lego city

We forget that our children are people, with minds and thoughts of their own. They feel lonely too and want to interact with others, just like we do.

Spend time with them, find out about and take an interest in what they like to do. I don't particularly like playing Lego with my children, it's kind of tedious to me, however, my children enjoy it and I like to watch them play.

They'll ask if I want to join them, or sometimes I'll come in and play of my own accord, while also putting neglected bits of Lego away (you can take the mother out of the tidy-upperer but you can't take the tidy-uperer out of the mum).

My child and I worked on a Lego botanical gardens (see pic) with flowers and trees, lamps and seats, slides and climbing things. Plus a pavilion for people to enjoy the shade and picnic.

Parenting with fear

Are your children afraid of you? Do they duck if you wave a hand anywhere near them?

When I was a little girl I was always ducking as I passed my parents (my mum in particular) because I was always afraid I was going to get hit. The irony is my mum would hit me anyway and say, "If you're ducking you must have done something wrong."

Talk about an un-winable situation!

I grew up afraid of my mum, always ducking and flinching, always waiting for the next hit. Always knowing it will come and never knowing when or for what reason.

Fitness parents vs unfit parents

I was at a fitness center the other day and heard other parents talking about what they DON'T give their children.

Things like soft drink, lollies, junk food, chips. These mums and dads were very health food conscious and were raising their children to be the same.

Like me, their children might have those things on occasions like parties a couple of times a year, yet we don't store stuff like that in our house (often). It was refreshing because I don't often meet parents who feel that way about food, the same way I do. Aside from family who were raised the same as me.

Often I meet parents who are gob smacked when they find out I rarely let my children have soft drink.

"You don't give your children soft drink?" they ask, thinking I'm odd. Perhaps I am odd compared to most parents?

The thing is, those parents that do feed their children junk are overweight themselves and not setting a really good example of what's good for them and what isn't.

I am a firm believer that as a parent it is my job to instill a good sense of nutrition in my children. They don't know this stuff and are looking to me to point the way, show them what foods are good and how to prepare them. Cooking is an essential part of raising children.

It is your job to make sure your children have the best (healthiest) adult life they can. You don't want to give them diabetes, clog their arteries, give them heart attacks and rot their teeth.

If they don't learn it from you, the parent(s), who will teach them?

How about you? Which parenting type best describes you? Fitness parent or unfit parent?

Children need a mediator

That's one of my roles as a parent. I'm like the man in the middle of the boxing ring with a bell, "Ding ding ding, back to your corners."

I watch my children trying to navigate relationships, with parents, with siblings, with cousins, with friends, and I notice how to interact with people is not innate. It doesn't come naturally.

Conflict resolution is especially hard. Even as an adult, in relationships, I've noticed conflict resolution is really tricky and we're not taught that during any stage of our lives.

It is left up to individual parents/guardians to teach children and if the adult doing the teaching doesn't have the skill to teach a child... then what hope does the child have?

And children catch you out if you live your life telling them to do one thing while you do the opposite.  For example, yelling while telling them not to yell.

Here is a situation where I had to give my children some direction when it came to them navigating their relationship together.

I had made them a treat and let one of them lick the bowl while I cleaned up. Usually they get to lick something each, though on this occasion only one was present and helping me. Licking the bowl was a reward.

Another sibling came out later, saw the other sibling licking the bowl and told them off for it, using a disrespectful, bossy tone: claiming they shouldn't be literally licking the bowl; face in the bowl and all.

I mentioned that it's my job to do the telling, unless it's a strict rule we should all be adhering to such as keep our hands to ourselves. Licking the bowl in not breaking any rules and I'm right there, if I have an issue I'll say something.

I tell my children all the time, "It's your job to be friends with each other, support each other and have each other's backs, while I do the bossing."

This is a simple story where nothing much was going on, still it was a teachable moment in that they learned a little about how to treat each other nicely and respectfully.

If I hadn't been there mediating, the child doing the bossing my have become righteous, while the other became rebellious. Next minute all hell breaks loose! Instead, I gave the one doing the bossing something to think about.

Do you teach your children to navigate relationships and if so what do you do?

Pass the knowledge on

I was walking around the family farm the other day. My dad and I went for a walk around the place and he spotted an old sheep dipping well. He warned me to keep away from the area and not to grow food nearby because the dip is toxic and will have leached into the surrounding ground.

Dad left and a few days later I was walking the same area with one child. We walked passed the same sheep dip and I passed the information onto them. Fascinated, they looked around the area like I had done when I was first told and they helped me fence the area off with old fence wire lying around. 

Much later the whole family went for a walk and once again we walked by the sheep dip. The child who was with me and learned about it earlier, told the other family members about it. They also examined the area and asked questions.

And now we all know, don't go near the sheep dip or eat anything growing there. 

It's those little bits of knowledge we know and learn and share with others.

What knowledge do you pass onto your children?

Parent with logic not emotion

What ever you're putting out into the world, your children with mirror back to you. 

I cannot stress this enough!

If you're angry and frustrated all the time, that is what your children will be.

If you're a nervous, emotional wreck, that is what your children will be.

If you prefer to critique more than compliment, that is what your children will be.

If you're a tyrannical bully, that is what your children will be (or be victims to bullies).

No is a part of life

No you can't run that red light.

No you can't speed.

No you can't come to work in your pajamas (unless it's pajama day).

No you can't go shopping in the nude.

To some these rules might seem a unfair or annoying or against some constitutional freedom, however life is full of rules we have to follow in order to have a well functioning society and that's all there is to it.

No is a part of life.

Yet there are parents who loath to say the word NO to their child. Parents who loath to set rules and stand by those rules. Parents who feel that saying no to their child is heartbreaking and really really hard to do.

These parents forget that 

1) they're the boss, they're meant to be firm but fair 

2) their children will struggle as adults when it comes to obeying rules 

3) teaching them how to be adults is the parents job.

All too often we complain about how the youth of today are rude, belligerent, spoiled, precocious. We often hear people saying things like that child needs a good ol' biff across the ear. We don't have to resort to smacking in order to teach children respect. 

We simply need to teach them the word NO, and teach them the rules that apply to all people who inhabit this earth. Childhood is all about teaching child how to behave properly so that by that time they're adults they know what's expected of them.

We're raising people who will become adults and they need to know right from wrong, good from bad, empathy, respect, tolerance and understanding.

P.S. Saying no works best if you reframe it such as:

Child: Can I have an ice-cream.

Adult: No because you haven't cleaned your room.

vs

Adult: Yes, once you've cleaned your room.