Mental day

One thing you'll notice growing up in Australia, is that there is not such thing as a mental day. If you or your child have any kind of mental disorder such as depression, anxiety, stress, over tired or overwhelmed, there are no systems in place for you to take days off. You can take days off, although it isn't covered by sick pay or other support systems.

With schools there are a limited amount of days your child can take off before they fall below standard attendance rates. If they miss days they're expected to get a doctors certificate. With mental days there is no doctors certificate and I've never understood the whole certificate situation. You're taking days off because you're unwell or can't function. This includes making appointments and having to get up and get dressed to go and see a doctor who will tell you what you already know.

With corona virus happening I withdrew my children from school a week before the school holidays started. Up til then they'd only had two days off, one of which was a mental day for each of them (separate days for each), and one where they were both unwell.

I received a notice saying they'd fallen below attendance rate and risked failing on account of this. That was seven days absent in term one meaning a potential fail! Imagine if they needed more mental days.

Still I persist with mental days because sometimes we need them and that's all there is to it.

One morning one child woke up and was in hysterics and unable to function mentally, let alone go to school and deal with others. Another morning another child woke up shattered, mentally exhausted, the feeling of going to school felt overwhelming.

In both cases I let them have the day off, go back to bed, sleep in, relax their mind and body. They needed it.

It is time we start to see mental days as a necessary part of school and employment. All people have days where they can't function and this should be taken into consideration.

What do you think? Have you ever given your child a mental day?

Work as a team

My partner and I do have issues and topics where we don't agree on certain rules or parenting styles, yet for the most part we work as team.

I'll cook and they'll wash dishes. They'll hang out the washing, I'll fold it up. They'll do certain tasks that are just theirs to do and I do mine. Both of us remind the children of their tasks and help each other out with chores.

We run the ship together and it runs relatively smoothly.

It wasn't always that way and we had to work through numerous issues together. Some more easily agreeable than others.

For example:

My partner believed smacking was ok and would smack our children. I don't like to smack. This lead to some disagreements and confrontations. We don't smack our children anymore.

They believe giving children junk food is ok and say it is ok in moderation. I don't like my children eating bad food often and we have debates about this issue because their idea of moderation is WAY different to mine! We give our children junk food now and again, and truthfully more times than I'm comfortable with, yet we are getting better at discussing the topic of our children's health.

Do you and your partner work as a team? Does your partner help out often? What chores do you do together and what are theirs and yours? Do you parent the children together or is there often conflict? What reoccurring arguments come up for you both?

Teenagers

Remember being a teenager? What was it like? Remember the moods, the thoughts, the attitude. Why must everyone be so annoying, isn't anyone cool or decent or something?

My life as a teen was spent with every available moment tucked away in my room. Only coming out for food, chores, the odd good TV program, and socialising sometimes. Mostly I liked to be in my room with posters of my idols, my music, singing, dancing (wasn't much of a dancer); dreaming of being famous for my stunning voice. I wanted to be relevant, known for something important, helpful, successful. I had all the usual grandiose ideas of being remembered for being awesome.

I went through a period of finding fault with my siblings, my parents, family, teachers, other kids at school, friends, people out in the street and on TV. Why can't everybody just be normal and stop having faults such as, bashing baby seals for fur! Also, I was down on my own faults. Why were beings always full of faults? We all have questions we ask ourselves about the meaning of our lives during this time.

How to survive self isolation with children.

Age 1-5 :

They will demand a lot of your attention throughout the day (and night) and you'll have to manage trying to get things done in spurts. It's annoying because you will often start things and be interrupted. You'll forget things, be reminded, have to deal with things you mustn't forget. Feeding, entertaining, keeping them occupied, chores (theirs, from 2 onward, and yours). Those spurts will get longer as the years go by and your children learn the rules and learn to entertain themselves.

The good news is self entertainment starts early. Just give them safe things to be entertained by. Cardboard boxes, tissue boxes, toilet rolls, beans in a bottle with a secure lid, pots and pans with wooden spoons, spaghetti, rice, a piece of bread. Things they can pull apart and explore that isn't dangerous for them, because they love to grab and pull and bite. The list will grow as they get older to include safe toys, pretend baking, mud cakes, playing with balls, musical instruments, all manner of activities. The list is endless.

It's up to you to police the situation vs their age and activity. If it's going to bother you or make you angry, change the activity.  Such as a child is rolling cat tins along a wooden floor and you're on the phone, swap the tins with something not so noisy. Maybe a bag of onions or some potatoes. Something they can move easily without being too noisy or able to swallow and choke on.

Age 6-10 :

Too much tech meltdown

In this day and age there wouldn't be too many parents who haven't experienced the too much tech meltdown.  Right?

Been there. Done that.

It happened the other day. My child has a YT channel and is hoping it will serve as a, potential, business. It could happen... who knows. So I be supportive when they're excited about new subs, views and comments. I'm not happy about the hours they're spending online, still, chores are being done so I can't complain.

Then comes the request for them to have a shower and here is it, meltdown city. "It takes me forever to have a shower, it's nearly bedtime, I'm (conveniently and suddenly) doing homework, that's also (conveniently and suddenly) due tomorrow [it's all lies], I'll have one tomorrow, whinge, complain, moan". Tears of devastation.

The threat of losing their iPad didn't sway them so I took it away and they were sent to bed. Later they were up with their light on and I went in and took the bulb away.

After school the next day they're asked to sit next to me and show me they're doing and completing their homework. My child does, amicably. Good. When done I keep the iPad and they're sent on their merry way to do something else instead. I'll repeat this again for a couple more days. Firstly until I see their homework is done, secondly until they've had a big enough break. Meltdowns require decent breaks in between.

Also it's a reminder to myself that I have to be more diligent in when it comes to time spent on electronics.

What things do you consider electronics? And what's not? Mine often use the reason for being on their iPad as listening to music.

What type of time setting do you set? How have you dealt with tech meltdowns?

Discipline vs punishment

What's the difference between discipline vs punishment.

Discipline is a teachable moment.

Punishment is payback back.

Let me run through two scenarios that outline the difference.

1)

Parent is tucking child in bed at bedtime. Parent and child are mucking around in a humorous game parent has just made up. They're having fun, laughing, the child is delighting in the parents attention. The parent says stop a couple of times and the child refuses to stop, thinking it's all part of the funny game and continues. The parent gets angry and slaps the child. The child is frightened, hurt, crying and feeling instantly unsafe around the parent. Where did that smack come from and why?

2)

Parent is tucking child in bed at bedtime. Parent and child are mucking around in a humorous game parent has just made up. They're having fun, laughing, the child is delighting in the parents attention. The parent says, "Ok that's enough." The child keeps going. The parent gets up to leave. Showing the game is over. Finished. Bed time. Time to say goodnight. If the the child continues the parent should simply leave the room. However, if the child simply won't stop mucking around then a favourite item could be used as a barter to get the child to settled down. Such as, "I'll take your teddy away if you don't settle down." Take the teddy if they don't and leave the room, or leave the teddy if they stop and give them a hug and kiss goodnight.

One is payback. You didn't stop so I got you back.

The other is teaching. The game needs to end, you need to take me seriously, it's time to say goodnight.

And remember sometimes silly, fun games just before bedtime are not a good idea!

Can you see the difference?

Would this work for you?

Please note: the parent in this case was in the wrong (IMO). They hyped a child up before bedtime then hurt the child when the child didn't take them seriously that the game was over. It was meant to be a fun game that got out of hand when the parent didn't know how to reason with the child and get them to settle down. This story is used as an example of how to reason with a child in a safe manner that doesn't hurt them or alienate the parent.

To me it's not actually a punishable/disciplinary moment to begin with, in that I wouldn't have put a child in that position, however, in this case, with an inexperienced parent I jumped in and talked to them about how to deal with that situation without hitting the child in future. Losing a teddy is much better than being slapped out of the blue!

Favouritism

I've got a couple of stories related to this subject that I want to share with you.

1) 
I babysat for a woman who had two sons who were only a couple of years apart. Super cute, super well behaved boys. No problem to look after at all. Before leaving to go on her outing she would sit with the youngest son, tuck him in and talk with him for a while. The older boy would call to her from his room asking her to come and tuck him in too. And she wouldn't!!!!

One day I asked her why she never tucks in the older son and only tucks in the younger son. Her excuse was the older son looked like her and was good looking and would have no lack of attention in his life, while the younger son resembled they father and needed all the attention he could get.

It really is the most stupid thing I've ever heard! A lousy excuse for literally ignoring one child while outwardly and openly favouring the other. I spoke up and stated that I feel it's not a good idea to ignore the older boy this way. Not sure whether she took that in?

While I minded these boys for some years I never got to see them grow and can only speculate as to the type of effect these early years had on them.

5 basic house rules

1) If you find it closed, close it when you're finished. Especially close tapping doors!

2) If you drop it pick it up. If you see something on the ground that doesn't belong there pick it up. 

3) If you get it out put it away when you're finished.

4) If you're the last to leave the room turn the light off.

5) Clear your place at the table, wipe your spot down, rinse your plate and stack it.

If you get your children to follow these, or other rules it will help make your life a little bit easier :-)

Be the parent you want them to be

Your children will grow up to emulate you. It is fairly inevitable (though not always).

Both my parents feared speaking up for themselves growing up. They were raised in households where to speak your mind meant punishment (often severe). They were afraid of the consequences any time they spoke up, and as adults they rarely spoke their mind when others offended them (and even regarding feeling nice about people).

One of my parents learned to use words as a weapon, a way to get the message across that they were hurt. The other quietly thought about how best to react, while coming across as frowning, brooding and angry. Both found it hard to forgive those that hurt them because they never learned how to talk it through with others. Even on a rare occasion of talking it through with people, they both didn't believe the people's stories and believed the act to be deliberately hurtful. Thus unforgivable. So the brooded quietly and passively ghosted people.

This is a reoccurring theme in our family. Although I have to say, even as someone who has since learned to speak up, it has not resolved our family legacy. You'll have more success if you are speaking with others who have also learned how to communicate their feelings in a non combative manner.