Discipline vs punishment

What's the difference between discipline vs punishment.

Discipline is a teachable moment.

Punishment is payback back.

Let me run through two scenarios that outline the difference.

1)

Parent is tucking child in bed at bedtime. Parent and child are mucking around in a humorous game parent has just made up. They're having fun, laughing, the child is delighting in the parents attention. The parent says stop a couple of times and the child refuses to stop, thinking it's all part of the funny game and continues. The parent gets angry and slaps the child. The child is frightened, hurt, crying and feeling instantly unsafe around the parent. Where did that smack come from and why?

2)

Parent is tucking child in bed at bedtime. Parent and child are mucking around in a humorous game parent has just made up. They're having fun, laughing, the child is delighting in the parents attention. The parent says, "Ok that's enough." The child keeps going. The parent gets up to leave. Showing the game is over. Finished. Bed time. Time to say goodnight. If the the child continues the parent should simply leave the room. However, if the child simply won't stop mucking around then a favourite item could be used as a barter to get the child to settled down. Such as, "I'll take your teddy away if you don't settle down." Take the teddy if they don't and leave the room, or leave the teddy if they stop and give them a hug and kiss goodnight.

One is payback. You didn't stop so I got you back.

The other is teaching. The game needs to end, you need to take me seriously, it's time to say goodnight.

And remember sometimes silly, fun games just before bedtime are not a good idea!

Can you see the difference?

Would this work for you?

Please note: the parent in this case was in the wrong (IMO). They hyped a child up before bedtime then hurt the child when the child didn't take them seriously that the game was over. It was meant to be a fun game that got out of hand when the parent didn't know how to reason with the child and get them to settle down. This story is used as an example of how to reason with a child in a safe manner that doesn't hurt them or alienate the parent.

To me it's not actually a punishable/disciplinary moment to begin with, in that I wouldn't have put a child in that position, however, in this case, with an inexperienced parent I jumped in and talked to them about how to deal with that situation without hitting the child in future. Losing a teddy is much better than being slapped out of the blue!

Favouritism

I've got a couple of stories related to this subject that I want to share with you.

1) 
I babysat for a woman who had two sons who were only a couple of years apart. Super cute, super well behaved boys. No problem to look after at all. Before leaving to go on her outing she would sit with the youngest son, tuck him in and talk with him for a while. The older boy would call to her from his room asking her to come and tuck him in too. And she wouldn't!!!!

One day I asked her why she never tucks in the older son and only tucks in the younger son. Her excuse was the older son looked like her and was good looking and would have no lack of attention in his life, while the younger son resembled they father and needed all the attention he could get.

It really is the most stupid thing I've ever heard! A lousy excuse for literally ignoring one child while outwardly and openly favouring the other. I spoke up and stated that I feel it's not a good idea to ignore the older boy this way. Not sure whether she took that in?

While I minded these boys for some years I never got to see them grow and can only speculate as to the type of effect these early years had on them.

5 basic house rules

1) If you find it closed, close it when you're finished. Especially close tapping doors!

2) If you drop it pick it up. If you see something on the ground that doesn't belong there pick it up. 

3) If you get it out put it away when you're finished.

4) If you're the last to leave the room turn the light off.

5) Clear your place at the table, wipe your spot down, rinse your plate and stack it.

If you get your children to follow these, or other rules it will help make your life a little bit easier :-)

Be the parent you want them to be

Your children will grow up to emulate you. It is fairly inevitable (though not always).

Both my parents feared speaking up for themselves growing up. They were raised in households where to speak your mind meant punishment (often severe). They were afraid of the consequences any time they spoke up, and as adults they rarely spoke their mind when others offended them (and even regarding feeling nice about people).

One of my parents learned to use words as a weapon, a way to get the message across that they were hurt. The other quietly thought about how best to react, while coming across as frowning, brooding and angry. Both found it hard to forgive those that hurt them because they never learned how to talk it through with others. Even on a rare occasion of talking it through with people, they both didn't believe the people's stories and believed the act to be deliberately hurtful. Thus unforgivable. So the brooded quietly and passively ghosted people.

This is a reoccurring theme in our family. Although I have to say, even as someone who has since learned to speak up, it has not resolved our family legacy. You'll have more success if you are speaking with others who have also learned how to communicate their feelings in a non combative manner.

A day in the life of being a mum

I’d always prided myself on being a good parent. Of being the kind of parent who knows what I want from my children and knows how to achieve these goals. Then along comes one child who makes me doubt and question myself and my parenting skills (or perhaps lack thereof).

When I have a shower or get dressed I bring my toddler into the bathroom with me. A) to keep them away from big sibling who likes to antagonise baby sibling when no-one is there to stop them. B) it keeps age my toddler out of trouble; I know they're not in the knife draw or tipping out my glitter while no-one is there to stop them (yes this has happened).

This particular time my other child says they want to come in too, saying they're going to behave. 

All is fine for a little while. 

Don't leave teens alone

Not if you play your cards right.

It's self explanatory, still let me explain.

As parents it is tempting to ignore your children for hours on end. Maybe there is some dinner party you're getting ready for and it will take hours of your time. Maybe you're watching the footy. Maybe you're binge watching a tele series. Maybe you're in desperate need of an electronic babysitter.

We've all been there, multiple times.

Anyone with teens will also know they spend an exorbitant amount of time alone in their bedroom. Sometimes locking themselves in their rooms. Often being testy if you dare enter their lair. "Get out!" How often have you heard that? Or the infamous groan... like you're interrupting some uber important life moment.

It can be tempting to set and forget and barely or rarely spend anytime with them, barely have conversations with your teen. Yet teens go through so many ups and downs and hard to navigate moments.

Do I ask that person out? Do they like me? How will I know? Why do I feel so moody? Why do my joints ache all the time? How do I get rid of these pimples? 

Sydney parents face court over vegan diet which left baby 'malno

Sydney parents face court over vegan diet which left baby 'malnourished'

"She said her daughter would generally have one cup of oats with rice milk and half a banana in the morning, and a piece of toast with jam or peanut butter for lunch.

For dinner, she said her daughter would be offered tofu, rice or potatoes. But she said the girl was a fussy eater so she might just have oats again."

The headline of this story makes out veganism is the cause of the malnutrician, however when you look into it more deeply you realise there are a number of other issues at play.

For starters the girls food intake is all white. Where's the fruit; apples, oranges, strawberries, blueberries etc.? Where are the vegetables; cucumber, carrots, beans, peas, cauliflower, broccoli? Where are all the colourful foods that bring vitamins and minerals to the table?

It is not being vegan that made this girl sick it's the lack or variety in her diet.

When I broke my arm

Personal story.

When I was  little girl around 5 or 6, I broke my arm. I remember trying to climb up a bunk bed and my brother who was on the top bunk took my hands off the ladder. I fell backwards and banged my arm on my dad's drum kit breaking my ulna (forearm bone).

At least that's what I remember, although I know some childhood memories can be mistaken and mis-remembered. Why my younger brother would do that I don't know? Why my dad had his drum kit in our bedroom I don't know?

What I do remember quite clearly though, is going to the hospital to have my arm fixed. There were x-rays taken, plaster and bandages. And most of all the smiling friendly sweet nurse. She was young and kind and nice and I remember at that tender age... wishing I could go home with her instead of my mum.

My mum was there being her usual bossy self, telling me off, quietly under her breath, for this mild slight or that, always so hyper vigilant to any small thing that might embarrass her in public, always maintaining that I be stoic and keep a stiff upper lip. Not wanting me to cry or complain or show any sign of pain. All the while the nurse was friendly and smiling and lovely.

Isn't it interesting, though, to know at that age that I didn't want to go home and live with my family. Instead I wanted this kind nurse to let me go home with her because, in that short amount of time I was with her, she showed me more caring and warmth and thoughtfulness about my feelings, than my mum had shown me in the 5 or 6 years I'd been with her.

1 bedtime routine that doesn't work: here's why...

Visited some friends for a karaoke night. There were drinks and nibbles and laughter and children having fun along with the adults.

The hosts had a little girl there, age 1.5yrs. Come 7pm, she's still up. Come 8pm she's still up.

One of the other parents with children her age asked, "What time does your daughter normally go to bed?" I could tell he was feeling as agitated about it as I was. The mother mumbled some brush off answer and he and I gave each other a look. Later (out of earshot from the mother; didn't want her feeling bad or judged) I told him it's nice to meet another parent who believes children should be in bed early.

For me... I was concerned about the little girl. She was so tired. Her eyes were droopy, she wasn't smiling and having fun, she just looked exhausted. There was far too much going on for her to sleep so she walked around trying to stay mobile and awake.

To my amazement she didn't turn into a hyper child, going all silly the way my children do when they're trying to keep themselves awake. They start jumping and being silly deliberately trying to keep their bodies moving so they don't fall asleep. When it comes time to put them in bed they're so wired they struggle to sleep. Which is exactly the reason I rarely keep my children up late. It's too stressful on them and for us parents.

Finally, at around 11pm the mum says she's going to put her little girl to bed and never returns. I realised that the mother keeps the child up until she (the mother) is ready for bed and they sleep in the same (marital) together. I'm all for co-sleeping. It is wonderful sleeping beside a baby/toddler/child. They grow out of wanting to sleep in the parents bed too quick, nice to cherish it before it ends.

Now, essentially this is working for them as parents in that it's their routine, it's what they do. They keep the little girl up until the mother is ready for bed and the little girl is then put to sleep beside the mother. For whatever reason they've decided this is how they want to operate.

Yet here's a few issues with this scenario.