I'm not sure how many people who are passive aggressive know they are passive aggressive. Since it's difficult for people to know and see what their own faults are, I'd say there'd be a fair few who don't realise they are. I have met a number of people who are and seem oblivious about who they really are.
What does passive aggressive look like?
1/ Don't speak up for yourself.
Someone will say something that upsets you and you'll feel hurt, yet say nothing. Walk away harboring that remark or action til death do you part. Telling others all about how awful that person was to you; getting them onside.
They are never given a chance to explain their actions or reasons or defend themselves!!!!
2/ You pay them back in a really sly and subtle way.
Someone will do something to upset you and you try to match it in payback. It may take weeks for you to formulate payback or mere days, still it is always about payback, yet sadly payback in a way that means the passive aggressive person's issues never get validated.
3/ You don't say why.
You won't even admit you were upset, let alone how and why it upset you, or asking the person to never do it again - even when asked (see 4).
4/ You deny it.
If the person notices you're upset you deny it. Fear of speaking up for yourself is so overwhelming you cower and hide, and sadly, harbor resentment. You think you resent them, yet it's yourself you resent. You're the one who is too afraid to stand up for your rights. It's not their fault; you just wish it was.
5/ You match them.
Let's say they said they're good at something and you take this to mean you're not good at it, you say nothing and let it fester. Eventually they ask your opinion on something they're doing and you tell them they're not good at it, because you wanted them to know what it's like to hear something really awful about themselves - like they did to you. You got them back! Silent revenge.
Yet they don't know why you did it, what made you do it. What it means for you to do it.
To the recipient it seemed like you just said or did something hurtful out of the blue.
6/ You back-stab them.
There is a KEY difference between seeking help about a situation and bagging someone out behind their back.
The first looks like you asking a friend what they make of the situation and how they wound handle it (or if it would affect them), then acting on that advice. If you don't act on advice, were you really seeking it?
The second looks like you pretending to like and care about them, while telling anyone who'll listen how much you dislike them or their actions. Often making out they are far more terrible than they really are.
NOTE: you're the terrible one treating a potential friend so poorly.
7/ More denial.
If they confront you and ask you why you said or did what you said or did, you pretend you didn't say it to hurt them, or that you didn't know if was offensive and you're hurt they thought you were trying to be offensive. Or, you say you didn't say what that other person told them you said about them. Deny, deny, deny!!!!
You won't admit it, even to yourself, yet you get some sly gratification in taking someone down in a way they can't prove happened and you never admit to.
In the end PAs tend to find themselves friendless more often than not and the friends they do have will be just as shit. Many people who know PAs don't stick around for long because there are always these underlining issues that never get talked about or resolved. This makes for serious negatively of the likes no friendship can flourish.
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