Strict vs neglectful parents

My upbringing was quite strict. On numerous occasions I copped soap in the mouth for using bad language and biffs over the head if I stepped out of line (and sometimes when I didn't step out of line).

My cousins were scared of my dad, who was fairly placid, yet when he did have a moment he was loud and that frightened them. They thought their mum's were better than mine because my mum was verbally critical and not very warm or attentive or particularly nice to be around.

Yet their parent were neglectful, not present and often drunk. To them, this faux freedom, was much better than the life I was living. My cousin's mum's were just as verbally critical as my mum yet hardly around, so apparently I'm worth feeling sorry for because my parents were strict and we had rules.

I was bullied at school by a teacher. My mum when to the school and reported him. I was bullied by a boy, my dad reported him to his dad. My cousin's parents never did such things for them - and some were bullied quite heavily. They were not present enough and didn't care enough to go out of their way for their children. Drinking was more important. Neither of my parents drank.

Both my grand parents openly told my mum and dad they liked their children much more than their other grandchildren because their children (us) were well mannered and well behaved, while my cousin's were unruly, spoilt, whining children who cried easily, tantrumed to get what they wanted and didn't use their manners.

Uncles and aunties would straight up tell me I was their favourite because I was down to earth and respectful. Mature for my age. Yet supposedly I'm the one they feel sorry for.

It may seem like strict parents are terrible parents however neglectful parents can do just as much damage, if not more. 

Remember your upbringing is most likely how you will raise your own children so if you're not taught how to discipline effectively you can end up repeating the cycle of abuse or neglect.

Don't poke the sleeping bear

I am not a perfect mother and no childhood is without trauma no matter how good and loving the parents are.

I would say that my biggest fault is tiredness and how agro I get around that tiredness. I am often tired at random times during the day on any given day and will desperately need to sleep.

Parenting is exhausting!

Of course trying to nap with children around is difficult because they're noisy, they get into mischief, they interrupt my sleep to tell me things.

Over the years my children have learned to let me sleep when I desperately need a nap because I am aggro if/when my sleep is interrupted. I'm like a hibernating bear that got poked and started growling.

Don't buy it if you don't have the means

This is the first thing I teach my children about money. 

If you haven't got the cash, don't make the splash!

Don't spend what you don't have, won't make, can't afford, won't save.

There are bright, shining objects pushed in our faces, all the time.  It can be hard for people not to want that stuff.  It looks so good on TV, all pristine and new and undamaged.  And look what it does! It looks so helpful... surely I NEED that item...

Eventually everything will become used and damaged or broken.  It is worth the expense?

Many of the younger generation are struggling to manage their finances effectively.  They're taking out personal loans with 'bankruptcy' interest rates, they're juggling credit cards, borrowing money left, right and center.  Buying big ticket items they simply don't need, won't enjoy and will cause them misery in the long run.

Straight up I teach my children don't get it if you don't need it.  There is a difference between want and need, be clever, be smart, know the difference etc.

Let them choose the activity

Do something your children want to do.  

Over the school holidays one of my children designed a gym workout for us to do. It was an unusual thing for a child to want to do for fun and as an adult who is not a fitness guru there was a part of me that was groaning at the thought.

He'd put some effort into his regime and I didn't want to let him down by being a party pooper so every couple of days I forced myself to go through the workout with him. It was actually fun and the exercises he'd put together were not hard. It was just a matter of me getting off my backside and participating in some physical activity with my child.

Sometimes the child/ren will want to do an activity you're not fond of and you can say no, and yet, you could regret that later on. As in, you'll think back to that time when your child wanted to spend that time with you and you said no, and didn't spend that time together doing that activity they wanted to do... and now you feel regret.

It is better to do the activity rather than having regret for not spending that time doing that activity with your child.

Don't you agree?

What activities have your children wanted to do that you've participated in?

Mexican fiesta

I'd been craving Mexican food and mention to my children that I want to have a Mexican fiesta (feast) and we should each choose a dish to make, then go shopping and gather the ingredients for our dishes.

A great way to get them to come and help me shop, and also a really good way to have them learning to cook, and so off we went.

My children and I chose different dishes to make: nachos, tacos, enchiladas, home made guacamole, rice, with dollops of sour cream and handfuls of cheese and other toppings.

We set out with our dishes and ingredients in mind and fetched what we needed to make each dish.

Back home we began making our dishes, each helping out with preparing and cooking. Working on our own dish as well as helping out with other dishes.  A great way to learn how to cook different dishes and also how to be helpful in the kitchen and navigate a busy kitchen... all hands on deck!

In the end we were left with an alluring array of dishes to devour and enjoy.

It is a simple thing to do together as a family.  Fun.  Enjoyable.  A nice memory to have and hold onto.

Have you also done things like this with your family?  What was the occasion and what dishes did you make?

Teach your children to socialise

I have a friend whom I've know all my life. She and I had children around the same time so our children grew up spending time with each other as well.

However, her child is extremely shy. It doesn't help that her child also has a speech impediment and was bullied for that at school. This only added to the shyness and over the years the child became very introverted as well.

As a baby, they were smiley, playful, happy, your typical baby. As a toddler it was much the same however when it came time to talking this is where the speech impediment started to be noticed.

It's worth noting here that the mother had post natal depression and during my foster care years I was sent on a course to learn about PND and its long lasting effects on children. In particular, it was stated that in most cases the mother with PND does not interact with her baby/toddler in the same manner that mothers without PND do. Therefore they're not talking as much with the child which can lead to speech delays as well as speech impediments.

Ask about their mood

Do you ask your child how they are?

Do you stick around to hear the answer and truly listen to what they say?

What do you do if they give a short, non committal reply or refuse to answer?

It can be hard to get responses out of children especially as they get older and just grunt as a reply however it is crucial to keep an eye on your children's mental well-being and mental health.

Ask them "How are you feeling?", "Everything going well?", "How are things in your world?"

If they don't give a wordy response, watch their body language, their facial expressions... do they look happy, sad, stressed, anxious, angry, upset?

Let them know you're there for them no matter what. Let them know, by reacting nicely, that no matter what they say you won't judge.

Try not to let them spend too much time alone wallowing in their own angst, allowing their brooding thoughts to overwhelm and consume them.

Be there for them. Be open to conversation and interaction. Try to find something they might like to do together with you, or the family.

Don't let loners dwell all alone in their world. Even loners (those who like and prefer their own company) can get lonely and feeling empty and friendless from time to time. Make sure they're not left to sink into their own dark thoughts.

Make sure your children know they are loved, valued, important, and a cherish part of your life.

Parenting Rules – from one of the world’s strictest parents

1.      No computer, DS, game boy, TV or other computerised gadget before school.  You don’t want your brain switched off before your day starts.

2.      Sugar and treats are not good for you and you’re not having them often.  End of story.  This includes sugar filled cereals.

3.      Same goes for fatty foods.

4.      We call it FatDonalds for a reason.

5.      Treats such as chocolate and potato chips will rarely be given.  Chocolate wires children up and contains caffeine (see also rule #9) and potato chips are highly acidic and rot your teeth.

6.      Looking after your teeth is very important.  They have to last you a life time and dentists are expensive.  Same goes for your body.

7.      If you have cavities in your teeth I haven’t done a good enough job.

8.      If you’re unhealthy I haven’t done a good enough job.

9.      Coca Cola is for adults.  When you’re old enough to drink coffee then you can drink coke.  By that time, if I've one my job right, you won’t be addicted to sugar and therefore probably won’t be all that interested in coke (if I’ve done my job right).

10.  You’re not getting dessert every night after dinner.  It is a treat not a compulsory part of the meal.

11.  If you ask for it you won’t get it.  I like the giving to be a surprise and something special.

12.  Don’t leave the table until you’ve finished your meal.  If you get up that means you’re finished and your meal will be taken away.  Unless you have valid reason like needing to go to the toilet.

13.  Eat what you're given.  You're not getting something else for dinner.  If you don’t finish your dinner you go to bed (unless the meal was too big or seriously yukky, that’s a different matter).

14.  If you do get to stay up after not finishing dinner you’re definitely NOT getting anything else afterward.

15.  Toys don’t belong at the dinner table.

16.  There is no belching, passing wind or sniffing allowed at the dinner table.

17.  Don’t talk with your mouthful.

18.  Because means because, I don’t want to have to explain my reasons to you so you can try and argue with me.  Because can mean I can’t be bothered, it can mean the reason is too complicated for you to understand, it can mean there is no reason for my decision – but I’m not going to tell you that.

19.  You have to do chores just the same as I do.  Do you think I want to cook dinner each and every night, clean the toilet or get up in the morning to make you lunch and take you to school when I could be enjoying a sleep in?

20.  Chores start from around age 2 upwards.  Something simple to start with like picking up some toys.

21.  When you ask me “What do I get for doing this?” my reply is “A compliment or a hug”.  I don’t get lollies or rewards for doing my chores.  It’s all part of contributing to being part of the family.

22.  If you say you’re bored I have plenty of things for you to do: clean up the toys, clean your bedroom, take out the rubbish, put the dishes away…  I can always find something to take your boredom away.

23.  Put things back where they belong before you get more stuff out.

24.  Clean up after yourself.  I am not cleaning up your messes.  I am not your servant.

25.  Everything has a home.

26.  I am happy to read a story with you, do some arts and crafts and other activities.  However, it is not my job to keep you entertained and play with you all the time.  It is important you learn to keep yourself occupied and enjoy your own company.

27.  Close a door as though your fingers were in the way.  Softly, gently.

28.  WALK when you’re inside.  This includes shopping centers!

29.  I’m not afraid to reprimand you if you misbehave in public.

30.  Tantrums will be ignored (see also rule #50).

31.  Bedtime is bedtime.  It is not negotiable.  It will be early enough so that we (the parents) can have time to ourselves.  You grow and your brain absorbs your day while you sleep so you will go to bed at a reasonable hour - otherwise I'm doing a bad job.

32.  You will have a nice soothing and loving bedtime routine.  This might include a story, a song or some chatting.  It WILL include a good night hug and kiss and I Love You.

33.  If you come out of your room after you’ve been sent to bed (for no reason other than to just get up again) you lose your favourite toy.

34.  If you come out again you lose another toy.  This could go on all night if you wish.

35.  You get the toy(s) back the following day if you stay in bed for the rest of the night.

36.  Don’t wake me before 7am.  It’s too early!

37.  "It's time for a bath" is not negotiable either.

38.  If you splash and drench the bathroom while in the bath, bath time is over and you clean up the mess.

39.  I won’t let go of the thing I’m giving you until you say Thank You or I may take it back if you forget to say Thank You.

40.  I’m not answering or acknowledging your request until you say Please.

41.  I’m not moving until you say Excuse Me.

42.  I’m not stopping my conversation with somebody unless you say Excuse Me.

43.  It’s courtesy to knock before you enter a room.  You never know what you’ll walk in on.

44.  Talking back or being rude and disrespectful is not acceptable (there will be consequences).

45.  Hitting, punching, fighting and being a bully to other family members is not acceptable (there will be consequences).

46.  Do not join in when I am reprimanding others.

47.  I mean what I say and say what I mean.

48.  Once I say no I never change my mind.

49.  I pick my battles wisely.  Once picked I never back down.

50.  I don’t EVER cave in so there is NO point nagging, pleading, whining or crying.

51.  Do as you’re asked straight away.  Don’t make me repeat myself.

52.  We parents buy you toys to use them as leverage (jesting).  They can and will be taken away if necessary.

53.  If you’re going to try and rebel you have 3 seconds to stop or else there will be consequences (such as losing a favourite toy or time out).

54.  Time out is my preferred method of discipline.  I use this time to count to 100 so I can clam down.

55.  The wily parent always remembers.  I’ll ask you to do something once such as tidy your room.  You either do or you don’t.  However if you don’t I will remember and when you next ask for something I’ll say “Yes.  Once you’ve tidied your room.”

56.  Water is good for you and will be your (our) drink of choice 98% of the time.  Fruit juice might make up the other 2%.  Never soda, flavoured milk or other drinks high in sugar.

57.  Don’t even think about asking for lollies during shopping.  You won’t be getting any.

58.  Fruit will be your choice of snack / treat.  You’re welcome to ask for fruit as much as you like when we go shopping.

59.  You will get a high five for a job well done.

60.  You will get acknowledged, thanked and hugged for doing your chores without being asked.  You might even get a treat.

61.  You will be hugged and kissed when I see you being good.

62.  You will receive hugs, kisses, compliments and other forms of affection for no particular reason except I love you.  This will occur often.

63.  You can talk to me any time about your day, your concerns, your hopes, dreams and goals.  My door is always open.

All this is part of being our family and we’re happy to have you here :-)

Assertion vs agression

We recently had a situation where I sprung a spontaneous outing on my family. 15 minutes to get ready. Some were more than fine with this, while this sent one into panic mode.

They approached the parents angrily stating, I'm not going and we can't make them and 15 minutes notice isn't enough and I'm in the middle of things.

I was more than ok with that, certainly, no worries, you're welcome to stay home, no obligation to come.

My partner was instantly responding in the same manner and the two argued for a bit before I broke it up and calmed them down.

Some time later my child raised it, still angry about it having happened. I mentioned there was no need for them to get angry because I would never have made/expected them to come, it was just a suggestion for those who could or wanted to.

This lead us talking about them trying to be assertive, and this got us onto assertion vs aggression.

Assertion is making a request in a firm yet non confrontational way. Aggression is making a request with anger.

They said, they thought they were taking control and I explained that once you're angry you've lost control. When being assertive you remain in control and I gave him demos of what being assertive looks and sounds like.

It is so important to teach your children these lessons while they're at home with you so that when they venture out into the adult world they have the skills to navigate through difficult and troubling situations.