No one's talking about verbal abuse

There is a lot of talk about how damaging physical abuse is when it comes to raising children. We know more about the damage of physical abuse and how badly it can affect us as adults. When it comes to the topic of verbal abuse people assume it's the lesser or two evils.

From what I've seen of parents in action, a vast many still think it's ok to insult their child or call their children awful names. I've heard parents call their children all sorts of names and believe that because it is verbal, not physical, it's not abuse. Or even think because it's the truth it's ok, i.e. my daughter is being a bitch so it's ok if I call her a bitch. Yeah... I'm fairly certain that your child is wearing that name calling in a negative way you can't imagine and holding onto it as though it's fact. Because mummy or daddy says so it must be true.

Let me tell you a story about a woman I know.

As a child growing up with a verbally (and physically) abusive mother she learned all manner of non-truths about herself that to this day she still believes and finds it impossible to shake, no matter how many adults she meets who tell her they just don't see her that way!

Growing up her mother had this one particular idea in her head about her daughter: that she wasn't normal. Imagine that for a moment...Being told by your own mum that you're not normal, there is something wrong with you, you're not like other children.  What an awful thing to grow up believing about yourself.

When she was a little girl she was smarter than the average cookie but this wasn't seen as a good thing by those around her. Her teachers found her precocious and disliked her for it. She was often bullied and some teachers turned a blind eye to the bullying because they didn't like her. Her mother didn't stand up for her, go down to the school to speak to teachers about it or even so much as make a phone call. Instead she used this information to reaffirm with her daughter that she's not normal.

Even going so far as to send her daughter to a counselor who, the mum claims, reiterated that her daughter is not normal.

As an adult she is highly self-conscious and paranoid about what people think of her. Constantly worrying that people see the worst in her, dislike her and are judging her badly. When comments are made regarding her, she sees them as bigger and more terrible than they actually were. She miscontrues their meaning. She still sees herself as not normal and finds it hard to relax and be herself around others in case they realise she's not normal and dislike her for it. Sadly this has affected her ability to make and keep friends even though she is a bright, loving and super kind person. She goes into a room thinking "I'm not normal" and almost becomes that just by believing it's true.

Her mother has no understanding of the damage she's done and would, if she knew, suggest her daughter should just get over it. That is the thing about abusers, they never see themselves as abusers, they never see the harm and damage they've done. And you might be thinking being told you're not normal is nothing. Yet for the one little girl in particular, being told she's not normal damaged her deeply.

There needs to be more open discussions on the damage verbal abuse inflicts on children who grow up believing it is their truth. It isn't just harmless words spoken by some parent in the heat of the moment whereby the child just forgets it was ever said. More often that not negative words and sayings are retained more than positive ones which is why it is so important NOT to call your children negative names.

Have you experienced verbal abuse by a parent? What effect did if have on you?