People are funny in that there are some things they don't mind being helped with and then there are things the refuse to accept help with. For example if your car breaks down and you don't know how to fix it, you've no problem letting someone else fix it for you. If the fan belt is broken and you're trying to replace it but you don't know how to do it you've no problem letting someone else show you how to replace it. You most likely won't be thinking, "Piss off you fan belt Nazi."
Yet if you're parenting style is broken and someone comes along and tries to help you, you'll most likely be agitated and very reluctant to accept that help. For example I know a mum whose parenting style is broken. Visiting her once she was on the verge of tears talking about how her children were overwhelming and stressing her out to the point of a nervous breakdown, and she was thinking about going on anti depressants.
This lady allows her children to walk all over her because she had a rough upbringing and doesn't want that for her children. She doesn't want them to hate her the way she dislikes her parents for how they treated her.
One time her son was climbing up on her knees, standing on her then jumping up and down. He's 5, a big boy, too big and heavy to be climbing on his mum and jumping on her. It doesn't take a genius to image how painful that must have been. I see her frown slightly but say nothing. He continues to jump and hurt her and she takes him off her knees. He climbs up and does it again and she allows him to climb up and start jumping.... again. Again she doesn't say or do anything forceful and again he hurts her. She removes him and he goes to climb up again. This time I intervene and tell him his mum doesn't want him up, he needs to move away. Not being use to being told what to do he smiles at me and continues to climb up on his mum's knees. This time she tells him to stay down but it takes her being strong and me backing her up to get him to stop and eventually move away.
Another time we were at a restaurant with a beautiful garden and water feature. Her son was IN the water feature while she says nothing. One of the staff comes up and tells the boy he can't be in the water feature. He doesn't come out so another mother in our group tells him to come out in a serious tone and he obeys. Moments later he's back in the water feature again. All the while his mother is saying and doing nothing about his behavior, almost acting as though he doesn't exist. Ignoring him.
This is the same mother who will ignore her son if he's annoying or hurting other children yet jump up as quick as a flash if any other child dares hurt her son. Such as the time he was throwing dirt at one of my children and my child had repeatedly asked him to stop. But of course he's not been raised to do as he's asked so he continued to throw dirt at my child. Moments later he's inside crying to his mother that my child hurt him. She jumped up to go tell my child off and I almost laughed out loud at her hypocrisy. Once we found out what had happened, that her son had been the instigator... she did nothing.
Now she's trying to find a doctor who will confirm he has ADHD and put him on medication.
This is where my Parenting Nazi comes into play. I want to be able to say to her "It's not your son, it's you! You are the problem. Your parenting style is broken, let me show you how to fix it." Yet there is no way I can because other mothers don't want to be told they're the problem. They don't want to be told they're doing it wrong and they're the reason it's not working. They don't want to be told they're going to have to work harder at getting their child to behave because they're overwhelmed and the extra hard work of standing their ground is too much for them to think about let alone do.
It's sad. It's frustrating. It's hard because this mother is overwhelmed by the responsibility of getting her children (she has more than one) to behave. They're running rings around her and there is nothing I or anyone else can do. She is determined to see her son (and her other children) as the fault and she is not willing to accept feedback or help (unless that is others disciplining her children for her so she doesn't have to be the bad guy; even then she'll tell her friends off if she thinks they're being too harsh). Sadder still is that her children are hard to like.
What is even more sad is this mum is not an isolated case. There are many broken parenting styles out there and so little anyone can do about it.
It's sad because she needs help, her children need help, and she won't accept any that is given.
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