The worse the behavior the bigger the responsibility the child (including teens) is given.
It began with one child playing a game happily by themselves and another child not being happy with not getting any attention. They set about trying to get attention by berating and teasing their sibling. Usually I send the naughty child to their room where they are away from family members and can't bother anyone. This time I tried* something totally different, I began teasing them back. Throwing words back at my child because I'm big enough and clever enough to win that game, where as the younger sibling is not. Nothing too harsh; when they called the sibling a loser and I told them they're the loser. The child ended up frustrated because they weren't winning, accused me of being mean to them and went into their room to brood. They can dish it but can't take it.
True I was being mean because I wanted them to feel what it feels like to be teased and have no way of winning or making the other person stop.
The child came out of their room moments later and began forcibly wrecking the other sibling's game, taking pieces away and not letting the sibling have them. They and I struggled as I tried to force them to release the pieces, then they threw something at the sibling and hit them in the face. I lost my calm then and went to punish the naughty child, except they ran through the house and locked themselves in their bedroom so I couldn't get in. Which would have been the punishment anyway, so I left them there for the rest of the day.
When they eventually came out (as I knew they would) I told them to go back in because I'm so angry I don't want to see him. When it was dinner time they got no dinner and went to bed hungry.
The next day a friend came over and we discussed my child's actions (and my actions as well) and what potential reaction would have them behaving better towards family members. It was decided that I would remove all of the toys from their room, which I did. When my child came home from school they asked why the toys are gone, they said staying in their room yesterday was punishment and now I'm punishing them twice.
I spoke with my child and told them the punishment will be ongoing until such time as they can interact with family members in a respectful manner. I explained how the punishment will end when I'm satisfied with the results. We also talked about how unfair their actions were, how they often deliberately disrespects family members then get upset when they're in trouble for it. We talked about cause and effect and being able to take what you dish out... or not dishing it out in the first place. For example, it was ok for them to call their sibling names yet couldn't stand it being done to them.
I've now set about giving my child even more responsibility than they already had. I've added making school lunches and helping siblings take out the rubbish to their list of chores. And have warned them everything is a TEST! Pass the test and the toys get given back. Fail and we keep going until they can pass the 'I respect family members and am nice to my siblings' test.
Weeks later they're still do not have the toys back and actually aren't missing them because the toys mean so little to them. They'd rather receive a hug than a gift. My child is still doing extra chores and having to work with siblings to get certain jobs done. So far their actions have improved for the better. The results are ongoing.
I spoke with my child and told them the punishment will be ongoing until such time as they can interact with family members in a respectful manner. I explained how the punishment will end when I'm satisfied with the results. We also talked about how unfair their actions were, how they often deliberately disrespects family members then get upset when they're in trouble for it. We talked about cause and effect and being able to take what you dish out... or not dishing it out in the first place. For example, it was ok for them to call their sibling names yet couldn't stand it being done to them.
I've now set about giving my child even more responsibility than they already had. I've added making school lunches and helping siblings take out the rubbish to their list of chores. And have warned them everything is a TEST! Pass the test and the toys get given back. Fail and we keep going until they can pass the 'I respect family members and am nice to my siblings' test.
Weeks later they're still do not have the toys back and actually aren't missing them because the toys mean so little to them. They'd rather receive a hug than a gift. My child is still doing extra chores and having to work with siblings to get certain jobs done. So far their actions have improved for the better. The results are ongoing.
I encourage you to try the same. Give your pesky child more responsibility and see if that has a positive affect on their behavior, and remember to compliment them when they're good.
*I try numerous different things with my children to see what works and what doesn't. This mimicking of name calling didn't work out that well so I won't do it again. I guess I get to outline my responses here and the reader gets to find out what works and pick up some ideas from the different things I've tried.
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