There was a recent study done that showed that all adults have some type of trauma in their upbringing so some degree. Obviously it is considerably worse for some than for others.
I've met adults who've had seriously traumatic upbringings who are so damaged it's heart breaking and gut wrenching. They stories they tell make me want to cry and hug them and wish they could have had better. The saddest part is, they're fundamentally left to their own devices as adults to deal with their damage and try to heal on their own.
These damaged individuals are just sent off into the world in hopes they'll just be ok or do well enough as adults. Often they fail because their trauma is too much for them to cope with every day life. Most end up abusing those around them because they don't know any other way to function. Some parent neglectfully because they would rather be too lenient than too disciplinary.
Some are lucky and break the cycle.
My childhood wasn't pleasant.
My dad grew up in a vicious home, with a mum who seemed to enjoy inflicting pain and anguish on her children (and others - she was not especially liked). His siblings were violent with him and his mother allowed them to mistreat him and each other. Going by the fact that dad told me his grandma (his mum's mum) beat him badly as a toddler for a misdemeanor, I can only image the type of upbringing his own mother had. His dad was an alcoholic who was mostly neglectful and unloving (a sad man who preferred solitude). My dad tried really hard not to be the same. However, he did have a temper and a sort fuse and patience wasn't his strong suit. Mostly he would react physically in short sharp burst, then calm down.
My mum grew up in a household with a war veteran, POW survivor dad, who coped with his trauma by drinking, which made him flip out, have visions, attack his family. He died when she was 12 of POW related illness. Her mum was raised by a mean, nasty step mum who treated her badly, while favouring her own daughter. This damaged her and she ended up verbally and physically abusive, she pitted her children against each other, choosing favourites, saying nasty things. Generally not an especially nice mother. My mum was the same. She might have tried to be different and maybe she was less full on, as her own mum, however she was often moody, quick tempered, would say nasty hurtful things, smack for the sake of smacking. Gave us hidings, slaps, whacks. We were generally scared of her and tried to avoid both parents as much as possible.
Growing up we felt that mum didn't love us or want us, and dad din't want us hanging around him.
In my teens I grew to despise my mum. My siblings and I would talk about her often, about how mean and terrible and awful she was. It gave us validation that we weren't the problem; mum was. Dad was fairly subdued in comparison and we had no major grievance with him except that we didn't feel loved.
By late teens, early 20s I began confronting mum regarding her treatment of us. Her way of handling that was to deny anything happened, that our memories are false, and claim she was a good mum and there was nothing wrong with our childhood. Regardless of the fact that our childhood left us feeling very weary and unloving towards her.
As I got older this feeling, especially the feeling of despising mum, faded. Eventually I came to realise, both parents were doing the best they could with their minimal information on good parenting. They both tried to be better than their own parents and pulled that off with varying degrees. Plus they also had their good parenting habits that I learned from and became a good parent because of.
I have learned to forgive my mum and build a strong relationship with my dad, however, I'll never fully feel about my mum the way I would have had she been approachable and warm, and had she been open to admitting the damage she did. The relationship was/is/and never will be what it could have been and that's just how it is. I respect my mum as a person, however, I don't adore her and most likely never will.
The main thing is, if she died tomorrow I would not feel regret at having wished things had been different or that I'd said certain things to her. I accept her limitations. I've moved on and done a better, a somewhat reasonable job, with my own children.
Put it this way; my children love and respect me (which is more than I felt for my mum growing up) so I feel I did ok.
What about you and your relationship with your parents. Have you forgiven them? Have you removed them from your world because it was necessary? We all have history, how have you dealt with yours?
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