Helicopter parent

We've all herd the term before: meaning a parent who constantly hovers over and around her (and other) children making sure they're safe and not in any danger of being hurt or doing something wrong.

Though now there is a new term being thrown around - the lawnmower parent: a parent who smooths out the path of their child so they don't ever had to face any adversity. 

I would say my parent style resembles helicopter parenting. I won't leave my children alone with people I don't know really well, I don't leave my children alone to fight their own battles if I can hear they're having difficulty coming to a resolution, I don't leave my children alone to deal with other not-so-nice children, teachers or adults. 

Talking to teens

Watching TV sitcoms and movies about life with teens it is if often depicted as hard and unpleasant, with these moody beings who talk back and grunt by way of communication.

Now and again there will be a show that has parents and teens getting along, talking with respect and open communication; it's not often though. Can you think of any off the top of your head?

When I watch those moody teens with parents who barely acknowledge or talk to them, or at best insult or react badly to situations, I cringe and wonder why those parents can't interact better with their teens (even though it's just a TV program or movie).

It's the same when I speak with parents who tell me to watch out because when my children are teenagers they're going to be hell to live with.  I've raised teens before and I've never found them to be hell to live with, but then again, I've not raised them to be hell to live with.

As a teen my parents barely spoke to me, they barely asked me what was going on in my world.  This resulted in a rift where my parents and I didn't know each other very well and kept lots of secrets from each other.

As a mother, with that type of upbringing,

Teachers do you even like children?

I touched on this topic in an earlier post.

Teachers. I've met my fair share of teachers whom I'm pretty sure don't like children, don't know how to be respectful to children, don't know how to garner respect from children (respect is earned), aren't very friendly towards children, are outright unfair and even  rude.

1. I've seen a male teacher repeatedly poke

Talk, don't yell!

I've met many people who are great at parenting. One such person was the friend who talked to me about consistency. When helping me parent my child he would sit the child down and talk to him at eye level, making sure the child looked at him while conversing. During the conversation he would talk about what had happened and what changes could be made to give us all a better outcome.

The talks wouldn't go for too long because if the conversation drags on the child becomes bored and the point will be lost.

This is how I've dealt with children since.

One hour of quiet time

Every now and then I like to send my children to their rooms to play for an hour or so. Not because they've done something wrong and are being punished. It's a timeout of a different sort.

A timeout for them to get away from TV, computer games, electronics, other siblings and family members.

It's a time for them to spend in their rooms entertaining themselves. Due to the increased use of electronics many children find it difficult to entertain themselves when unattached to these gadgets. It is a good idea to give children long breaks from these devices so they learn to have fun without them.

During their time in their rooms they will often play with neglected toys, listen to music, read a book, draw, have some quiet time building Lego cities. Sometimes they'll even tidy up and organise their space.

This break also gives them time apart from siblings which helps with re-connection. You know what they say about absence making the heart grown fonder. They miss each other after having a well needed break.

Most importantly this timeout is a time for the parents (me) to have a well needed break as well.

Don't get other siblings involved

Recently I witnessed something I dislike as a parent. A parent was reprimanding their child for unacceptable behavior when another sibling joined in the berating. It soon became a two against one dialog as they both got in an agreement about how bad this other child is. I died a little inside and felt bad for this child.

When it comes to reprimanding a child it is important that other family members don't join in and gang up on the child in question. There is that saying 'black sheep of the family' and that saying is essentially other family members getting together and deciding that one person in the family is not good enough to be part of the family, or at least not as good as the other family members. Kind of an awful way to feel about a person and an awful way for a person to see themselves. Imagine that person knowing that's how other people (family, loved ones) feel about them.

There may be that one person in the family who is more mischievous than others, more angry, moody, bitchy, cranky, sulky, hyper, whiny etc. A person like that needs to be told their behavior isn't acceptable and it could be harder to love someone who is hard work. However, standard childhood behaviors and moods are not a good enough reason for family members to gang up on someone and determine they're not as good as other family members.

Keep your children out of adult, parenting affairs.

Who raises your children?

Parents debate this issue all the time. Is a stay at home parent better, worse or the same as a working parent? Does leaving your child in the care of others hurt or damage them? Does staying at home with them mean they'll be raised better?

Leaving your child in the care of others doesn't hurt or damage them unless the person they're in the care of is hurting or damaging them. In some cases the children's own parents hurt or damage them so you can't rule out another person doing a better job than parents.

I've seen some stay at home mother's who are ridiculously bad at getting their children to behave and be good, respectful human beings, which means being a stay at home parent doesn't necessarily mean your children will be better off.

Teach your children how to save money

I've met many adults who cannot save money to save themselves. These people live from pay check to pay check, never saving money for those unexpected emergencies. Many of whom are also thousands of dollars in dept and spend money they don't have on things they don't need (just want for the sake of consuming). What is curious about these adults is they have parents who live the same way and therefore never taught their children how to save or the importance of it.

It is a simple thing to do and here's how you do it. Teach your children to always spend LESS than they earn. Maybe they earn $10 a week pocket money, or they walk dogs for money, or wash cars, or receive money on special occasions. However they get their money teach them to save a portion of that income. Even if it's $1 out of $10 it adds up over time and takes discipline not to spend.

Have them put this money in a piggy bank that cannot be opened (or a real bank if you've set them up an account). Each time they receive money have them put some aside for a rainy day. When they eventually use this money for what ever they wish to spend it on, have them keep some of that money aside, so they don't spend it all.

As they get older and their income increases, maybe the get a job at a fast food restaurant, have them save more of their income i.e. $20 a week out of their pay check. This can vary from week to week depending on what their expenses are. Also talk to them about needs vs wants. Do they really need those $300 shoes or those $500 expensive speakers?

In an age where consuming is practically all we are taught about living, and attaining money is the point of existence, you want to find a healthy balance between teaching your children to appreciate money and not being gluttonous and not be like Mr Scrooge. Money is a necessary evil and something we need to be able to manage well as adults.

Run your house like a ship

Ships have captains and crew who band together to make sure the ship is running in tip top shape. The captain is the one who overseas the duties, takes note of what duties need to be done and delegates those duties.

Some captains are better than others; they can see which duties need to be done better than others, they can delegate better than others, they can inspire and lead. You can't be a cutthroat captain. We're not pirates. You're not trying to behead the crew or make them walk the plank. Don't be a naggy captain, don't be bossy, don't be controlling, don't be domineering, don't be precious, don't sit around making the crew do all the work. 

Captains lead and inspire. For example I've talked to my children about what's expected of them and the things I'm expected to do. They don't have the really hard core jobs like cooking and washing dishes. Though they could if you choose, because each captain is different and has different strong suits. Maybe you can't cook or washing dishes bores you tears or you really dislike vacuuming. That's where delegation comes in and also negotiation. 

It's not a competition

As a parent who has been around other parents, play groups, relatives, schools, you will have noticed parents like to compete.

They compete about everything from whose child was breastfed and for how long, whose child walked first and what age, whether they give their child a dummy or not, when a child starts talking, how well children talk, how smart they are, whose child eats faster, better, more, whose child runs faster or plays sports or is a math wiz.

It is an annoying battle to be drawn into because there are no real winners or losers. As adults you can't tell who had a dummy and who didn't, who was breastfed vs bottle fed, who talked and walked at what age. As adults those things literally have nothing to do with who you are as a person and it shouldn't have anything to do with who your baby, toddler or child is, or how you define yourself and others as parents.

Unless there is something specifically wrong with your children medically such as maybe they can't hear and that is why they're not talking well, it is all irrelevant trivial nonsense. It is nobodies business whether your child is more or less advanced than theirs and it certainly is NOT a competition.

Parents who think raising children is a competition do my head in. The only real issue when raising children is, is your child well behaved, well mannered and respectful?' Are you a decent, non abusive parent?

If the answer is yes you've done a great job.

The hypocritical parent

We probably all know someone who fits this description and I've mentioned this occurring in a couple of blogs. I'm talking about those parents who have really naughty, badly behaved children, who never tell their own children off, yet are so willing to tell other people's children off.

This happened with my children the other day. I was visiting with a handful of women with children. The children played together while the women drank coffee and talked.

Every so often one of the children would come in complaining about one of the little boys who was there. "He's throwing stones", "He's kicking the pile of leaves I've gathered", "He's taking bricks from the retaining wall and not putting them back".

Not once did the mother of this child go out and tell him to stop, give him time out, tell him if he doesn't behave he'll have to leave. Instead the other mothers had to either tell their children to ignore him, move away from him, tell him to stop, or they'd go out and have words with this little boy themselves.

Don't do your children a disservice

By disservice I mean don't raise a child no one likes.

Sadly I know of a number of children who others find hard to like or tolerate because their parents are too lenient. I feel bad for these children. It's not their fault they don't know the rules or how to be respectful towards others and their property. It's not their fault they have lax parents who don't bother teaching them right from wrong in any respectful and consistent manner. It's not their fault they're so badly behaved others can't stand to be around them.

It is the parent who is at fault yet sadly this reflects badly on the child when other children and adults struggle to like them.

For example: 

Don't let your children grow up too quick

You see it all the time these days. Young girls wearing copious amounts of makeup, hair dyed, dressing like superstars, fake nails. Little girls with bras and g.strings and t.shirts with inappropriate slogans on them.

Little boys wearing brand clothing, t.shirts with inappropriate slogans on them, smoking, drinking V or other adult type beverages, or viewing porn.

When I see this I wonder what the parents are thinking?

In cases like this I always assume the parents were wanting to be their child's best friend instead of a leader and role model.

I'll say it again... as parents it is your job to be a leader and a good role model. At a time when children's role models are celebrities, greedy corporations selling them logos as ideals, sports players who earn exorbitant amounts of money compared to the rest of us mere mortals, video characters and barbie dolls (real and toy ones), it is essential they have a decent parent/adult/role model to look up to.

As an adult you know your childhood went too quickly and you can't get those years back. Do not be in a rush to push your child/ren into adulthood. They're only young once and the world can be a magical place for a child. Let them be young, let them be children, let them play and explore and enjoy their world. They have plenty of time to grow up later.