Say the magic word

Please.

Please is the magic word!

I was at a children's party standing round talking to one of the dads while children played noisily around us.  Children laughing, playing, running here and there, having fun.  Groups of parents talking to each other. 

While I was talking with one dad my child came up and said "Can I have some cheezles?" It was great that they were asking because some children would just eat what ever's there, but my child wanted to know which foods he can have, and which ones might be off limits (such as soft drink).

I kept talking to the dad as though my child hadn't spoken. The man was surprised and stopped talking to look at my child but I acted as though I'd heard nothing.

My child asked again "Can I have some cheezles?" I still said nothing and acted as though I couldn't hear him. By now the man was squirming a bit and thinking I am a very rude mother not acknowledging my child. I didn't let what this man was thinking of me change my tactic.

Then my child says "Can I please have some cheezles?"

"Yes," I beamed at my child, happy that he'd used his manners. My child smiled too, happy that I'd said yes and he'd remembered the magic word.

The man nearly fell over he was so surprised. He had thought I was being deliberately rude and couldn't understand why. When my child asked using the magic word he was stunned and amazed and no doubt a little (very) impressed.

My children know if they don't use their manners the answer is no, or quite often I won't answer at all.

If they say huh? I don't repeat myself. I wait for them to say pardon. If they ask nicely for something I don't let go until they say thank you, or will take it back until they say thank you. 

They have learned manners must be used no matter what.

Are you a good foreman?

There is a picture that depicts what it means to be a boss (to tell someone what to do) vs a leader (to show someone how to do it). Lead by example.

I'm sure a great many of us have experienced a really awful boss, supervisor, team leader, or work colleague and come away from the experience disliking that person for how they left us feeling.

When it comes to parenting it's much the same.

You have to be a good foreman and run the ship in a respect and decent manner. You can't simply be demanding, yelling a lot and berating people into submission. Or be lazy and expect others to do all the work, leaving your children to turn rotten. Or controlling, thinking you're the only one who can do it well so you berate your children for not doing a good enough job.

Don't make a rod for your own back, or your children's, and don't make your job harder than it needs to be.

The idea is to make your life and the life of your children as happy and peaceful as possible. 

To do this you need to be the type of foreman you'd like to have bossing you around.

Are you a good foreman?  Are you fair?  Are you respectful?  Or are you lazy, demanding, bullying... and generally someone others wouldn't (don't) like?

Do you ask for help?

On the day I become sick (with a chest infection) I was due to meet up with a friend. I had to cancel and when I did they told me to let them know if I needed anything. At the time I was thinking, "Well, yes I need some milk and bread and ..." but I would never have asked. Because my friend lives fifteen minutes drive away and has her own family to look after, but more than that; it's because I'm contagious and wouldn't want to give it to her or anybody else. So I didn't ask for help.

My sister phoned and I couldn't talk. She asked if I wanted her to bring over some chicken soup, nice of her to think of me. She lives an hour away by public transport and there is no way I'd ask that of her.

Then there is the flip side.

Teach your children to look after themselves...

It's flu season. Just about everyone I know is getting the flu or has family members getting the flu. This year's flu was particularly severe according to experts with record numbers recorded.

Recently I was unwell with a chest infection for almost two weeks, though only 6 days of that were spent bedridden. I had a wracking cough and had to sleep partially sitting up. Sleep was fitful with coughs waking me during the night. I could barely get a sentence out without coughing so I didn't say much, talked seldom, didn't give many directions to the children. After the chest infection was long over, the niggling cough I had took around 3 to 4 weeks to fully go away; before I could say a full sentence without setting off a coughing fit. 

During this time my children were troopers. When I didn't wake in the morning they got themselves ready for school, older siblings helping younger ones. I would come out and see them off, giving them a hug before they left, making sure they got out the door okay. By then they'd already had their breakfast, gotten dressed, brushed teeth (at least I hope they did), made their lunches, packed their bags, then road to and from school together.

After getting home from school they made themselves snacks and basic dinners like bake beans and eggs on toast, two minute noodles, party pies and sausage rolls they could heat up in the oven. Nothing considerably healthy but not super unhealthy either. They weren't eating lollies and ice cream and chips and they were still eating fruit and some vegetables.

How lucky are your children?

By lucky I don't mean spoiled. I don't mean to they get everything they want. I mean how good are their experiences? 

As one of my children cracks open a coconut, tips out the juice and begins to scrape out the coconut flesh to enjoy I realise they're experiencing something lucky. They are unaware of that. All they know is they asked if they could get a coconut, mum said yes and now they're trying one out.

My child doesn't know that when mum was a little girl she never experienced such a thing and most likely would have been told no if she'd asked. Were coconuts even in the supermarket when I was little?

They're not thinking about the thousands of people living in poverty who don't get to eat let alone have their own coconut.

They don't know that their obese friend will never get to experience something like that.

When it's time for bed STAY IN BED!

Do you have children who come out of their room every couple of minutes to do something else they forgot they needed to do?  When really they're just making excuses to come out and not stay in bed?

"I forgot my teddy."

"I need my blanky."

"I need to go to the toilet."

"I need a drink."

"My finger hurts."

"I can't sleep."

I confess I have one of these children.  Once I tuck my children in I view this as my time. I don't want them continually coming out and interrupting my time.

My way to getting my children to stay in bed is threatening to take their teddy or blanket or other precious item away. "If you come out again I'll take it off you." If they do come out and I take it away I tell them they'll have it back if they stay in bed and I'll go in later and return the item.

Recently my youngest child kept getting out of bed and playing in the bedroom instead of sleeping. I'd go in and find them among Lego building and playing. They had this cartoon they'd drawn, were really proud of and I told them, "If you get out of bed one more time I'll rip your picture."  They did get out again and I grabbed the pictured and began ripping a corner of it slowly; not really intent on damaging the picture. Hoping this was enough to make my child panic and stay in bed. It worked, as I knew it would and for the next couple of weeks they were staying in bed.

Find that bargaining tool. Every child has one and it can be different for each child and change from time to time. Keep searching until you discover what your child's is: maybe it's their pocket money, their iPad, their Lego, their favourtie teddy, no dessert... Once you've found it use that to your advantage to help with getting your children to do as you ask because it is important to get your child in bed early so you can have You Time.

Your faults and good points

We all have parts of parenting we're good at and parts that we're not good at. Maybe you're a good provider yet you yell a lot. Maybe you're nice to your children yet not very loving or affectionate.  Maybe you drink a lot yet always plan and look out for your children's wellbeing.  Maybe you like to look out for healthy food options for your children yet you don't discipline.

Mum was good at discipline and helping us learn right from wrong. She was against racism and belittling the disabled. She was not, however, against belting her children and calling them names.

Note the difference: a smack is a small generally softish whack on a child's bottom or hand - not intended to hurt but to SHOCK the child into stopping; generally because of being in immediate danger. A belting is repeated whacks while yelling at your child and taking your anger out on a small person who can't fight back or defend themselves. If you do this... STOP!

Food doesn't just appear

Teach your children where food comes from. Teach them how to shop. Teach them all there is to know about shopping.

Food just doesn't appear in your pantry. There was a process to getting the food there. You wanted or needed an item. You made a list or committed items to memory. You went up the street for food or got someone else to get or deliver items for you. You paid money for the food. Food isn't free and there was a process to making it happen.

Your children aren't born knowing this and don't know it if you don't teach them. They may see you going shopping or you speak of how you went shopping. Maybe you shop without them during the day when they're at school, or leave them home with your partner. For all your children know, you needed food, the pantry or fridge was empty, then there was food. They most likely don't know how much it cost, if you had to skimp and scrape to be able to afford the food.

Did you children go shopping with you? 

Did they help you make a list or help you with crossing off the list while you shopped? 

Do you shop by memory or just add anything to the trolley? 

Did your child(ren) take a note of what was needed to the store for you? 

Did they take some money and pay and come back with change? 

Did they help load and unload the shopping and put the food away?  

If you got a home delivery did your children help you unpack the groceries and tick items off the list?

Are your children aware of how much food cost compared to your income and how to budget to afford items? Do you teach your children to read the back of food items to look for sugar content, additives and colourants?

As an adult you have learn many of these things and just go about your shopping automatically and your children will learn as they grow. It is a good idea to teach them when they're younger so they can help you and you're not doing all the work yourself. This also sets them up well for when they're adults and move out of home. They'll need to know how to shop and how to budget.

Weekend boot camp

"I'm not your maid."  How often have you felt this way or said this to your family?

Sadly I know of too many parents who feel this way about their children because they are doing too much, and sometimes everything, for their children and partners as well.

One such lady I know has been struggling with being the maid for years and years and I had the privilege of staying at her house for a weekend and helping her implement a household routine that would free her from the hassle of never ending daily chores.

This lady has always been driven by a strong pride to upkeep her house to a certain standard, while also believing she shouldn't be putting any extra work load onto her children because their lives are already hectic and busy, and they're overwhelmed enough. She has forgotten completely that it is NOT her role to be the maid and that she is also overwhelmed and needs the others in her house to help so that she is NOT doing it ALL alone.  Especially when she is not the one creating the most of the mess.

But... she had no idea what organising roles would or should look like. This is where I stepped in to help.

STEP ONE:
Write down a list of all the jobs that need doing around the house.