Be the parent you want them to be

Your children will grow up to emulate you. It is fairly inevitable (though not always).

Both my parents feared speaking up for themselves growing up. They were raised in households where to speak your mind meant punishment (often severe). They were afraid of the consequences any time they spoke up, and as adults they rarely spoke their mind when others offended them (and even regarding feeling nice about people).

One of my parents learned to use words as a weapon, a way to get the message across that they were hurt. The other quietly thought about how best to react, while coming across as frowning, brooding and angry. Both found it hard to forgive those that hurt them because they never learned how to talk it through with others. Even on a rare occasion of talking it through with people, they both didn't believe the people's stories and believed the act to be deliberately hurtful. Thus unforgivable. So the brooded quietly and passively ghosted people.

This is a reoccurring theme in our family. Although I have to say, even as someone who has since learned to speak up, it has not resolved our family legacy. You'll have more success if you are speaking with others who have also learned how to communicate their feelings in a non combative manner.

One relative has a father who is a victim, always with ailments and woes. Quite funny and humorous on the one hand, very negative on the other. Coming across as someone who is totally self absorbed with little regard for others' feelings and emotional needs. Like my parents, they too grew up in a family where speaking your mind was a no no. The result is they play the victim, blame everything on others, don't ever be direct if they're upset. On the other hand they're very combative and like to force their opinions on others, and they talk at you and not with you. It's not about you at all.

She is now an adult and having picked up on this victim mentality, also cannot speak up for herself. She does passive aggressive payback to everyone she knows, imagining wrongs where there are none. Payback where she insults you then takes it back, saying she didn't mean it the way you took it. She talks to others about you behind your back, getting those others to agree with her lies about you, then asking them to talk to you about how you've wronged her; because she can't say it to your face (this might also be because she knows she's lying and to confront others would mean having to confront her own lies). She struggles to make and hold onto friends and is making detrimental mistakes with their own children, because having a parent who is a victim is exhausting and detrimental to their mental wellbeing. Passing the victim legacy on.

Another person I know doesn't parent well because she's too afraid to be the boss, because her parents were bullies. She doesn't know how to control her children without being a bully so she doesn't control them at all. She thinks this makes them like her more, however, the children run amok, treat her like crap, walk all over her. Also other parents and children tend to dislike them because they're so badly behaved.  How will those children grow up? They'll most likely not know how to parent effectively because they've never been shown how.

The hippy guru parent I've spoken about before, had a dad who ran out on her mum and a mum who didn't stand up to her daughter. She has grown into self absorbed person who thinks it's all about her; her needs, her wants, her desires. Ironically she married a man who is completely unplugged, distant and little help with the children. She has no concept of how to discipline her children and cannot get them to do what she wants without resorting to random fits of rage (just as her mum did); which of course doesn't work in the long run. Her children are now teenagers who are rebelling big time and fighting back. She has completely lost control and the children are looking for ways to leave home already.

In each of these cases parents are teaching their children how to act, how to be around others, how to care about others (or not), how to resolves issues (or not).

How would you know if you're parenting style is not good?

Read this blog for a starter. Notice if you're doing a particular thing, such as putting down your children, instead of complimenting your children. Also notice the patterns. Are you constantly losing friends? Are your children struggling to make friends? Are people not visiting you or inviting you over? Maybe your children are unruly at other people's places, or maybe you're being too passive aggressive and driving friends away? 

You can learn how to parent better.

Do you have friends who are good parents whom you can seek advice from? Are your friends offering you advice and you're getting defensive and not accepting the help? Are you open to trying something new or not interested because it's all too hard?

We all teach our children how to be in the world.

Are you teaching your children positive or detrimental things?
What could you do differently?
What could you learn about your parenting style and adapt?
What legacy are you passing down?

Parenting is hard. Overcoming childhood issues is hard. Doing well at both is achievable.