My door is always open

I had a boss who said this to me and she was always approachable.  Always with a caring word, kind shoulder.  The type of boss you miss and think of from time to time.

My parenting was in it's early years when I met her and we had the same motto.  I was like this with my first child.   "You can tell me anything".

There have been times I've been confronted by what I'm hearing, still I respond as calmly as possible.  For example one of my children talked about a boy at school who was picked on and how they had joined in.  I had outright said I'm not happy to hear that.  We talked about how it would feel to be on the receiving end of that situation and how important it is to stand up for others who are in need or help.

Another child showed me an inappropriate note a young girl in class had shared.  We discussed her background and what lead to her behavior.

I have one child who is tricky to get to know.  It is hard because they keeps to themselves a lot and it's hard to help people who withdraw.  I have to find new and creative, yet not intrusive, ways to interact with them and find out how they're going.

They dislike my fussing and tell me to stop caring, when unwell and I was checking their temp, making sure they had water, checking to see if they wanted pain relief, or food.  I told my child "It's my job to care".  This is how I explain my role to my children.  It's my job.  My role in their life is to guide, help and be there for them.

I have wanted to lash out at my children from time to time and it's not as though I never loose my temper. I hold back because I want to remain approachable and there for them.

If we react with negativity, anger, disapproval, to our children they will withdraw, let us very little and not let us into their world. I want to be in my children's lives, knowing what they're up to, what is going on for them.  Are they sad, happy, frustrated, lonely? 

It's my job to know these things. Which is why my door is always open.

Raising adults

The whole point to parenting is raising children who grow up to be well adjusted adults (or as well adjusted as possible).

Some experts argue no person ever grows up perfectly adjusted and all people have some trauma or issues with their childhood.

I feel this way at times, because try as hard as I might, my children will still tell me things that make me question whether I'm doing a good job or not. For e.g. one child recently told me they're depressed and it's because we (the parents) raised them that way... i.e. being depressed ourselves made our children depressed. I've always believed depression is genetic though the concept of nature vs nurture is not lost on me.

However, the constant that keeps me believing I'm doing ok is how my eldest child has turned out.

Is it possible to stop children viewing porn?

This question has been on my mind since giving birth. Will I be able to protect my children from viewing adult material (along with all the other things I need to protect them from)?

In a world where adult content is getting harder and harder to avoid, it can be a scary concept for many parents. There are billboards and bus signs, lingerie shops with larger than life posters, female nudity in numerous TV shows and movies, music video clips with barely dressed females gyrating around the camera. It seems like every man (woman) and his dog is using sex to sell things to the public.

There are predators lurking in all corners of the internet, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Youtube, chat rooms and online gaming.

I've written about this before, how we're told as parents "If you don't like it don't watch". This puts the onus on parents to police everything instead of government bodies (or whomever) policing companies that allow this type of material to be aired, shown or viewed by children.

I would consider myself to be a very diligent parent. I check ratings and information on movies before viewing them because I want to know if they're violent or contain adult content. Yet I have been shocked by certain movies (rated M) I didn't think would be bad, and accidentally exposed my children to content I didn't know was coming!

Still worse than that, I've recently discovered one of my young children (not even a teen) found (and possibly viewed) adult material.

Teach your children to wash their hands

This might sound obvious (in fact I hear lots of parents on social media boo hissing parenting advice because they think it's common sense and all parents know and abide by the same rules... the truth is some parents have no clue what they're doing).

Take this example for instance:

I had friends come to visit with their children. I'd make a nice lunch for them, usually a plate of spaghetti, and the children would enjoy the meal. Pasta on the table, in their laps, on the floor, on their hands, all around their faces, making them resemble Ronald McDonald. Children seem to get more food everywhere else than in their tummies.

At the end of the meal I'd say, "Ok, everyone wash your hands." My children would comply while their children would say NO! I'd have to get up and go over to them and take them to the bathroom and do the washing and drying of their hands for them (while the parents said and did nothing). Then I'd clean up all the spilled pasta and wipe down the tables, floors etc.

Their NO to my request tells me a few things:

Mental day

One thing you'll notice growing up in Australia, is that there is not such thing as a mental day. If you or your child have any kind of mental disorder such as depression, anxiety, stress, over tired or overwhelmed, there are no systems in place for you to take days off. You can take days off, although it isn't covered by sick pay or other support systems.

With schools there are a limited amount of days your child can take off before they fall below standard attendance rates. If they miss days they're expected to get a doctors certificate. With mental days there is no doctors certificate and I've never understood the whole certificate situation. You're taking days off because you're unwell or can't function. This includes making appointments and having to get up and get dressed to go and see a doctor who will tell you what you already know.

With corona virus happening I withdrew my children from school a week before the school holidays started. Up til then they'd only had two days off, one of which was a mental day for each of them (separate days for each), and one where they were both unwell.

I received a notice saying they'd fallen below attendance rate and risked failing on account of this. That was seven days absent in term one meaning a potential fail! Imagine if they needed more mental days.

Still I persist with mental days because sometimes we need them and that's all there is to it.

One morning one child woke up and was in hysterics and unable to function mentally, let alone go to school and deal with others. Another morning another child woke up shattered, mentally exhausted, the feeling of going to school felt overwhelming.

In both cases I let them have the day off, go back to bed, sleep in, relax their mind and body. They needed it.

It is time we start to see mental days as a necessary part of school and employment. All people have days where they can't function and this should be taken into consideration.

What do you think? Have you ever given your child a mental day?

Work as a team

My partner and I do have issues and topics where we don't agree on certain rules or parenting styles, yet for the most part we work as team.

I'll cook and they'll wash dishes. They'll hang out the washing, I'll fold it up. They'll do certain tasks that are just theirs to do and I do mine. Both of us remind the children of their tasks and help each other out with chores.

We run the ship together and it runs relatively smoothly.

It wasn't always that way and we had to work through numerous issues together. Some more easily agreeable than others.

For example:

My partner believed smacking was ok and would smack our children. I don't like to smack. This lead to some disagreements and confrontations. We don't smack our children anymore.

They believe giving children junk food is ok and say it is ok in moderation. I don't like my children eating bad food often and we have debates about this issue because their idea of moderation is WAY different to mine! We give our children junk food now and again, and truthfully more times than I'm comfortable with, yet we are getting better at discussing the topic of our children's health.

Do you and your partner work as a team? Does your partner help out often? What chores do you do together and what are theirs and yours? Do you parent the children together or is there often conflict? What reoccurring arguments come up for you both?

Teenagers

Remember being a teenager? What was it like? Remember the moods, the thoughts, the attitude. Why must everyone be so annoying, isn't anyone cool or decent or something?

My life as a teen was spent with every available moment tucked away in my room. Only coming out for food, chores, the odd good TV program, and socialising sometimes. Mostly I liked to be in my room with posters of my idols, my music, singing, dancing (wasn't much of a dancer); dreaming of being famous for my stunning voice. I wanted to be relevant, known for something important, helpful, successful. I had all the usual grandiose ideas of being remembered for being awesome.

I went through a period of finding fault with my siblings, my parents, family, teachers, other kids at school, friends, people out in the street and on TV. Why can't everybody just be normal and stop having faults such as, bashing baby seals for fur! Also, I was down on my own faults. Why were beings always full of faults? We all have questions we ask ourselves about the meaning of our lives during this time.

How to survive self isolation with children.

Age 1-5 :

They will demand a lot of your attention throughout the day (and night) and you'll have to manage trying to get things done in spurts. It's annoying because you will often start things and be interrupted. You'll forget things, be reminded, have to deal with things you mustn't forget. Feeding, entertaining, keeping them occupied, chores (theirs, from 2 onward, and yours). Those spurts will get longer as the years go by and your children learn the rules and learn to entertain themselves.

The good news is self entertainment starts early. Just give them safe things to be entertained by. Cardboard boxes, tissue boxes, toilet rolls, beans in a bottle with a secure lid, pots and pans with wooden spoons, spaghetti, rice, a piece of bread. Things they can pull apart and explore that isn't dangerous for them, because they love to grab and pull and bite. The list will grow as they get older to include safe toys, pretend baking, mud cakes, playing with balls, musical instruments, all manner of activities. The list is endless.

It's up to you to police the situation vs their age and activity. If it's going to bother you or make you angry, change the activity.  Such as a child is rolling cat tins along a wooden floor and you're on the phone, swap the tins with something not so noisy. Maybe a bag of onions or some potatoes. Something they can move easily without being too noisy or able to swallow and choke on.

Age 6-10 :

Too much tech meltdown

In this day and age there wouldn't be too many parents who haven't experienced the too much tech meltdown.  Right?

Been there. Done that.

It happened the other day. My child has a YT channel and is hoping it will serve as a, potential, business. It could happen... who knows. So I be supportive when they're excited about new subs, views and comments. I'm not happy about the hours they're spending online, still, chores are being done so I can't complain.

Then comes the request for them to have a shower and here is it, meltdown city. "It takes me forever to have a shower, it's nearly bedtime, I'm (conveniently and suddenly) doing homework, that's also (conveniently and suddenly) due tomorrow [it's all lies], I'll have one tomorrow, whinge, complain, moan". Tears of devastation.

The threat of losing their iPad didn't sway them so I took it away and they were sent to bed. Later they were up with their light on and I went in and took the bulb away.

After school the next day they're asked to sit next to me and show me they're doing and completing their homework. My child does, amicably. Good. When done I keep the iPad and they're sent on their merry way to do something else instead. I'll repeat this again for a couple more days. Firstly until I see their homework is done, secondly until they've had a big enough break. Meltdowns require decent breaks in between.

Also it's a reminder to myself that I have to be more diligent in when it comes to time spent on electronics.

What things do you consider electronics? And what's not? Mine often use the reason for being on their iPad as listening to music.

What type of time setting do you set? How have you dealt with tech meltdowns?