Protecting your child from paedophiles: signs to look out for

My children don’t know that I’ve saved them from paedophiles. People who befriended us who turned out to be undesirable.

Situation #1

At 6pm there was a knock at the door on a school night. A boy from my child’s school and his mum were on my doorstep. She told me her son had asked to visit us, wanting to play with my child. Truth be told I was bothered by a visit at that time of night, after dinner, getting ready for the children’s bedtime. I let them in and the mum and I sat in the kitchen having a cuppa while her son, who was double my child’s age, went into the toy room to play.
The first thing this boy did was start tickling my child and I could tell that my child was bothered by this. I’m one of those parents (and maybe others are the same) who can’t stand the sound of one person being tickled by someone bigger and stronger than them, a person who doesn't let up, give them a breather or stop when asked to stop. I go into the room and tell the child to stop, there will be NO tickling. I’ve barely sat back down at the table when the tickling starts up again, so again I go into the room and tell them to stop. This happened four times! On the fourth time I heard my child do that ‘shriek’ that a person does when the tickler goes either too close or touches a body part they shouldn't touch!

I storm into the toy room (it’s only the next room over), to find that child and my child up in the back corner. The boy looks guilty as all hell while my child looks happy and fine yet struggling to get out of the clutches. I yell at the child, don’t care that he’s a visitor or someone else’s child, or that his mum is present. I stare him down and tell him “There will be NO tickling in my house, let go of my child (he does), move away (my child moves away, eager to escape) and play something else!” The mum is calling from the kitchen, “She said stop tickling! What part of stop don’t you understand?”
I watch them for a while, my child now on the other side of the room, playing with cars while the other child remains where they are looking unhappy and bored. This boy does not interact or talk with my child from then on. Just stays sitting in the corner until it’s time to leave.

When they leave I’m left thinking about how odd it is that this older child wants to hang around my child, and I’m especially dubious because he actually didn’t seem to want to do any thing with my child aside from tickle. I think on it and can't quite let it go, that uneasy feeling.

A week later I get a call from the mum on a Sunday saying her son has asked if they can come over. I don’t want them to because I don’t feel like visitors however I say yes because I don’t feel able to say no (yet). The mum and I sit in the kitchen having a cuppa while her and my child sit in the lounge room watching TV. My child was already watching cartoons and didn’t want to stop for the visitor, in fact my child barely cares the visitor is there. Not too long later I hear my child laughing and screeching, being tickled by the boy, and the sound is coming from the bedroom. I go storming up the hall, fling the bedroom door open and say, “No tickling, no bedroom and NO closed doors!” I point ‘out’ and follow them as they exit. They go back to watching TV, no talking, no playing toys. After a while my child goes outside to play and the other child follows because they've got nothing better to do and I can see the whole back yard through the floor to ceiling windows. While chatting to the mum, who opening tells me she was molested by family members when she was young, I watch the children outside. The older boy just walks around sulkily following my child who plays with toys in the sand pit. Again I’m struck by the fact that this child doesn't actually want to socially interact with mine. They're not here for that!

This time after they leave I ask my child if this boy hangs around them at school. They do not, they don't play together at all, in fact my child tells me this boy has no friends and is alone at school. I feel sorry for him and think maybe he's one of those loner types who hangs around with young kids because they’re more accepting. Still, his lack of actual social interaction with my child, no talking, no playing with toys together, causes me to think it’s not friendship this boy is after.

After that no matter how many times the mum phoned me saying her son wants to come over I refused. I heard that he was spending time at the house of anther girl from my child’s class and I thought to myself “And her parents are ok with that!”

Years later his mum tells me that her son was caught molesting a young girl, a friend of the family.  The family of the girl doesn't press charges, they just refuse to let him over again. I ask the mum if her son was molested and she tells me he was, by a family member, a year before wanting to befriend my child. I say nothing to mum of my thoughts of her son, yet I’m thinking, phew! So glad I didn't let this boy keep hanging around my child. So glad I put an end to those stupid tickle games and never let them play alone in the bedroom. I also think of all the other young children he was allowed to hang around and cringe (that other little girl for a start). 

The mum at least wizened up and realised her son was using her to access children by getting her to visit her friends with children. So she stopped taking him to visit friends. Without her to take him to those places he has no (or little) access to anyone. When it was confirmed he was caught molesting a child I told his mum she needs to get him help, because who knows how many children he’s touched and how many more he’ll do it to. Not only that if he keeps going he’ll end up in prison. I don’t share with her the suspicions I always had bout her son and his motives for wanting to hang around my child.

Later I subtly probed my child to find out if anything further happen by randomly asking if anyone has touched their privates before. Aside from one boy punching them in the groin, they tell me no.

I’d had my suspicions from the get go. Still it’s no consolation, and the feeling of powerless to do anything about that boy bothers me. The hardest part about cases like this is I cannot report the boy based on suspicion and hearsay. He’s personally done nothing to my child. The only thing I can do is tell my story in hopes that it helps other parents in knowing what to look out for. 

Beware! Not all molesters are adults.

Situation #2

I had a friend who was molested badly and repeated by her step dad. We were teen friends who separated over the years then as adults she popped back into my world for a while. We started meeting up and going out together.

A couple of times she phoned me up asking if I wanted a visitor and she came over and we sat around having cuppas and chatting. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing untoward.

One time she’s visiting, my child comes over to me wrapped in a favourite blanket and sits near me while us girls chat. Later my child moves to sit by the heater and my friend goes over and randomly starts ticking my child. Again with the tickling! I see her move a hand inside the blanket and my child shrieks and I tell her to get off, that’s enough! My child goes off into their bedroom. She and I still having cuppas and chatting. Come bedtime I tell my child to get ready for bed, they do, and I’ll come and tuck them in, in a minute.

My friends asks me “Can I tuck them in?” Instantly my alarm bells go off: ding ding ding! I tell her no one tucks my child in but me and she tells me she just thought I might like a break. I tell her parenting is not something I take a break from. When I go to tuck my child in they're hiding under the blanket on the bed and I' guessing they heard her ask if she can tuck them in. When I put a hand on the blanket my child screams and jumps. I ask them what’s the matter and they say they don't know, and tell me something about thinking I was someone else, a bad guy, the boogie man or something. I’m confused yet I have an idea they thought she was coming in to tuck them in.

She must have done something, scared them, when she tickled them earlier. Yet when I ask my child if she touched them in any uncomfortable inappropriate way, they tell me she didn't, and tell me they don't know why they got scared. They can’t explain what’s bothering them. I put it down to sixth sense and my child knowing without understanding, that she isn't an ok person to be around. She was never welcome back. Nothing was said. I just kept my distance and we stopped seeing each other.

Last I heard she was married with children and while I hope she’s happy I also hope she didn’t pass on her legacy to her own children.

Again, there isn’t any charges that can be laid, no proof, its all supposition. A gut feeling. Sixth sense. A mistrust born of the fact that her asking to tuck my child in because she thought I would like a break is classic paedophile dialog. The tickling is another sign, a way for a molester to touch a child without it seeming like they’re trying to do anything untoward.

Beware! Not all molesters are male.

In general I have always been wary of strangers who want to tickle or touch my children. Tickling is an intimate thing you do with people you’re close to. Not that we’re always safe from those close to us either.

I have always been wary of people who want to be in bedrooms with my children with closed doors.
I have always been wary of older people wanting to hang around younger people.

I am wary of people who have been molested being around my children.
And I am especially wary of people who want to tuck my children in. One friend I knew had a friend of her parents who use to ask her parents if he could read to the girls and those parents let him. He molested those children for years!

Like I said above, parenting is not a role I take a break from!