How lucky are your children?

By lucky I don't mean spoiled. I don't mean to they get everything they want. I mean how good are their experiences? 

As one of my children cracks open a coconut, tips out the juice and begins to scrape out the coconut flesh to enjoy I realise they're experiencing something lucky. They are unaware of that. All they know is they asked if they could get a coconut, mum said yes and now they're trying one out.

My child doesn't know that when mum was a little girl she never experienced such a thing and most likely would have been told no if she'd asked. Were coconuts even in the supermarket when I was little?

They're not thinking about the thousands of people living in poverty who don't get to eat let alone have their own coconut.

They don't know that their obese friend will never get to experience something like that.

When it's time for bed STAY IN BED!

Do you have children who come out of their room every couple of minutes to do something else they forgot they needed to do?  When really they're just making excuses to come out and not stay in bed?

"I forgot my teddy."

"I need my blanky."

"I need to go to the toilet."

"I need a drink."

"My finger hurts."

"I can't sleep."

I confess I have one of these children.  Once I tuck my children in I view this as my time. I don't want them continually coming out and interrupting my time.

My way to getting my children to stay in bed is threatening to take their teddy or blanket or other precious item away. "If you come out again I'll take it off you." If they do come out and I take it away I tell them they'll have it back if they stay in bed and I'll go in later and return the item.

Recently my youngest child kept getting out of bed and playing in the bedroom instead of sleeping. I'd go in and find them among Lego building and playing. They had this cartoon they'd drawn, were really proud of and I told them, "If you get out of bed one more time I'll rip your picture."  They did get out again and I grabbed the pictured and began ripping a corner of it slowly; not really intent on damaging the picture. Hoping this was enough to make my child panic and stay in bed. It worked, as I knew it would and for the next couple of weeks they were staying in bed.

Find that bargaining tool. Every child has one and it can be different for each child and change from time to time. Keep searching until you discover what your child's is: maybe it's their pocket money, their iPad, their Lego, their favourtie teddy, no dessert... Once you've found it use that to your advantage to help with getting your children to do as you ask because it is important to get your child in bed early so you can have You Time.

Your faults and good points

We all have parts of parenting we're good at and parts that we're not good at. Maybe you're a good provider yet you yell a lot. Maybe you're nice to your children yet not very loving or affectionate.  Maybe you drink a lot yet always plan and look out for your children's wellbeing.  Maybe you like to look out for healthy food options for your children yet you don't discipline.

Mum was good at discipline and helping us learn right from wrong. She was against racism and belittling the disabled. She was not, however, against belting her children and calling them names.

Note the difference: a smack is a small generally softish whack on a child's bottom or hand - not intended to hurt but to SHOCK the child into stopping; generally because of being in immediate danger. A belting is repeated whacks while yelling at your child and taking your anger out on a small person who can't fight back or defend themselves. If you do this... STOP!

Food doesn't just appear

Teach your children where food comes from. Teach them how to shop. Teach them all there is to know about shopping.

Food just doesn't appear in your pantry. There was a process to getting the food there. You wanted or needed an item. You made a list or committed items to memory. You went up the street for food or got someone else to get or deliver items for you. You paid money for the food. Food isn't free and there was a process to making it happen.

Your children aren't born knowing this and don't know it if you don't teach them. They may see you going shopping or you speak of how you went shopping. Maybe you shop without them during the day when they're at school, or leave them home with your partner. For all your children know, you needed food, the pantry or fridge was empty, then there was food. They most likely don't know how much it cost, if you had to skimp and scrape to be able to afford the food.

Did you children go shopping with you? 

Did they help you make a list or help you with crossing off the list while you shopped? 

Do you shop by memory or just add anything to the trolley? 

Did your child(ren) take a note of what was needed to the store for you? 

Did they take some money and pay and come back with change? 

Did they help load and unload the shopping and put the food away?  

If you got a home delivery did your children help you unpack the groceries and tick items off the list?

Are your children aware of how much food cost compared to your income and how to budget to afford items? Do you teach your children to read the back of food items to look for sugar content, additives and colourants?

As an adult you have learn many of these things and just go about your shopping automatically and your children will learn as they grow. It is a good idea to teach them when they're younger so they can help you and you're not doing all the work yourself. This also sets them up well for when they're adults and move out of home. They'll need to know how to shop and how to budget.

Weekend boot camp

"I'm not your maid."  How often have you felt this way or said this to your family?

Sadly I know of too many parents who feel this way about their children because they are doing too much, and sometimes everything, for their children and partners as well.

One such lady I know has been struggling with being the maid for years and years and I had the privilege of staying at her house for a weekend and helping her implement a household routine that would free her from the hassle of never ending daily chores.

This lady has always been driven by a strong pride to upkeep her house to a certain standard, while also believing she shouldn't be putting any extra work load onto her children because their lives are already hectic and busy, and they're overwhelmed enough. She has forgotten completely that it is NOT her role to be the maid and that she is also overwhelmed and needs the others in her house to help so that she is NOT doing it ALL alone.  Especially when she is not the one creating the most of the mess.

But... she had no idea what organising roles would or should look like. This is where I stepped in to help.

STEP ONE:
Write down a list of all the jobs that need doing around the house.

Getting children ready for school

Do you struggling in the morning to get your children ready for school? Are your mornings chaos with meltdowns and tantrums and lazy children who are distracted by TV or can't find their shoes (because they're not really looking)? Are you doing all the work making all the lunches, getting school clothes ready, packing bags, finding missing items? Do you spend your mornings feeling frazzled and yelling at your children?

One of the easiest things you can do to help your mornings run smoothly and to get your children to help out is to write a list of things that need to be done. Specifically the things your children need to do.

Maybe your child has just started school this year and is not use to the new routine and all the bits that go with getting ready for school (because it's much different to kinder). Make a basic list for them to follow:

1. Have breakfast
2. Brush teeth
3. Get dressed
4. Pack bag

In the early stages you'll still be doing the bulk of the work because your child is still young; making lunches, helping to pack bags and get your child ready for school. Yet there are certain steps for them to learn early on so they know how to get ready for school, get into a routine and take on some of the responsibility.

As they get older this list will grow and include things like them making their lunches, remembering their drink bottle, putting their school clothes in a certain spot so they know where to find them the next morning, making sure they've got their reader, school diary and homework packed.

Keep the list you make on the fridge and point to each step asking your child if they've each step. Eventually your child will know what is expected of them, know they things they have to do as apposed to the bits you're doing and you can work together to get ready, instead of you having to do it all and being overwhelmed.

And remember: do not let them watch TV before school!

The system is broken

In days gone by it was acceptable to hurt and beat your children into submission. There is that old saying "Spare the rod, spoil the child." As though a child who was never hit with a rod was instantly a spoiled brat.

Around the 1970/80's people began to get psychological about parenting and bringing to light how hitting and berating your children was emotionally and mentally damaging. Still it took a while to catch on because those old parenting ways of hitting instead of talking were ingrained in our society. Even now we have the great smacking debate with parents and experts still unable to agree on whether we should be allowed to smack our children or not? You still get parents saying, "I was smacked and I turned out ok."

Firstly smacking is different to child abuse (in which children often come out damaged). We need to get straight about that! One small whack, tap or light hit on a bottom (which is what a smack is) is not abuse. It's not necessarily necessary and there are other ways to get a child to behave... still it doesn't equate as abuse. How the smack occurs determines whether it is abuse or not, it's not primarily abuse simply because it occurred.

I once witnessed a mother hit her small daughter on the bum repeatedly, over and over again, because her daughter had touched and broken a glass bottle in a supermarket. To the staff and supermarket managers one broken bottle by a little girl was nothing. To the mother, who seemed to take it badly, it seemed to hurt her ego as a parent: as though she'd failed somehow because her daughter broke someone else's property. Firstly it was an accident. Secondly she was very young little girl, 2 or 3. Thirdly the reaction by the mother was far too excessive and I called her up on it, whereby she looked at me embarrassed and quickly walked off dragging her daughter behind her. That was abuse and I doubt very highly, if that was a regular occurrence in that little girls' world that she turned out ok. She didn't look ok at the time, she looked terrified and unable to escape her mother's clutches and repeated whacks. She cried and flinched and did not seem to understand what was happening to her or why. Heartbreaking.

The slap

Have you ever wanted to hit someone else's child? 

Hitting children in general is no longer encouraged though a great many parents still don't mind the use of a hit now and again to deal with an unruly child. Hitting someone else's child is almost the worst thing you can. It seems to offend another parent's sensibilities, especially if they're not into smacking, which is fair enough.

I hit another person's child once. I was 14 and had been babysitting for the local neighbourhood for years. Although I was young I was a good and trustworthy babysitter. I could change nappies, give babies bottles, tuck toddlers into bed, play games and entertain children, tidy up after children, feed children and tidy the kitchen. I didn't bring boyfriends over, ignore the children or spend time on the phone. I did a honorable job making sure the children were safe and happy in my care.

This is why I was the local neighbourhood babysitter. My reputation spread and I was highly sought after and my rates were low.

One family I had worked for, for around a year, had a daughter around 10, a boy 8 and a baby, around 12months. Every afternoon after school I would go around to their house and mind the children until the parents came home around 6:30pm - 8:30pm. Either the dad or the mum had collected them from school and waited until I arrived before giving me instructions, then leaving me in charge. Sometimes I minded the children while the parents went out on dates.

The instructions might be things like they needed to be in bed by x time, don't give them any this or that, prepare their dinner, help with homework.

No one's talking about verbal abuse

There is a lot of talk about how damaging physical abuse is when it comes to raising children. We know more about the damage of physical abuse and how badly it can affect us as adults. When it comes to the topic of verbal abuse people assume it's the lesser or two evils.

From what I've seen of parents in action, a vast many still think it's ok to insult their child or call their children awful names. I've heard parents call their children all sorts of names and believe that because it is verbal, not physical, it's not abuse. Or even think because it's the truth it's ok, i.e. my daughter is being a bitch so it's ok if I call her a bitch. Yeah... I'm fairly certain that your child is wearing that name calling in a negative way you can't imagine and holding onto it as though it's fact. Because mummy or daddy says so it must be true.

Let me tell you a story about a woman I know.