Bribery will get you nowhere

Bribery is kind of a form of discipline, yet by most accounts not a very successful one. If you have to bribe your children to get them to do something you've gone amiss with your parenting. What you want to aim for is rewarding your child/ren.

What is the difference between bribing and rewarding.

Bribery:

You: "Clean your room and I'll give you (insert toy/food/activity/etc)"

Reward:

You: "Can you please clean your room."

When they're done... you: "Thank you for doing that."

You can leave it here because a compliment can be enough of a reward however if you're especially pleased or you're feeling generous you might add, "You've done such a great job, you can have (insert toy/food/activity/etc)"

With bribery the child learns if I don't do what I'm told I'll get something as an incentive and I can up the anti!

With reward the child learns that good things come to those who help out and contribute to the household.

Do you lose your cool with your children all the time?

No.  I don't.

Yes I lose my cool... but often? All the time? With my children? No.

I do have moments of agitation, frustration, stress and annoyance. Still, it's not often that I'm losing my cool. I'm all about keeping my cool as best I can and not yelling; but also setting things up so I don't have to yell (or seldom yell).

I like to explain things in simple terms and get my children to understand there's a reason why we do and don't do things.

He's an example:

Never do for your children what they can do for themselves

Do you do tasks for your children? Do you do their washing? Clean their room? Cook their dinner? Make their lunch? Do all the house chores?

Do they help out or do they sit around all day taking it all for granted? Are they old enough to help out and be doing more? 

Remember these people have to leave home and KNOW how to do all this for themselves. That is what you're setting them up for.

For e.g.

My children aren't angels

I feel I have to point that out because it's one of the first things other parents say to me if I call their children out on poor behavior. "Oh well what abut your child..!" It's as though they feel like unless your child is perfect you aren't allowed to notice anything about other people's children.

Here's the thing:
1) It's true my children aren't perfect, they have their irritating quirks and bad behaviors as well.
2) I'm not the perfect parent. There are still things I get wrong or don't feel I do well.
3) I don't mind if people point out the bits I'm missing.

I've had friends tell me I might want to pay attention to a particular behavior my child is exhibiting and I take the advice on board. I know that parents can be blind to their own children's annoying traits (or hyper obsessive about them) and I like to know if there's something they're seeing that I'm not.

Knowing the areas to improve on is a good thing. Life is all about learning and growing and developing into better human beings.

When meeting parents who are closed off to the idea that something about them or their child's behavior is off, that's when navigating a relationship can get tricky.

Make your children laugh

I'm not much of a comedian. Mostly my children groan at my jokes and are constantly telling me I'm not funny.

Note: mum jokes are as (un)well received as dad jokes.

This doesn't stop me from trying to make my children laugh or play 'funny buggers' with them. For example here's a conversation I had with one of my children.

My child found a thermometer in it's clear plastic container, held it up to me and asked: 

Child: What does this do?

Me: It's a thermometer, it measures body temperature to see if people are unwell.

Child: How do you use it?

Me: You stick up someone's bottom.

Child: No you don't! You put in under the tongue?

Me: Oh no, poor dad.  I've been using it wrong all this time.

**

What are some funny jokes you tell your children?

The empathy talk

One sibling made a remark to another sibling regarded their appearance in a negative way. They were immediately asked to leave our space and think about what they'd just said. Later they were asked to rejoin us and tell us what they thought about.

"Not saying mean things."

Days later I asked the offending sibling how they would like it if someone made a negative remark about their appearance.

"They wouldn't like it", they said.

"Then don't do it to others", I said.

"Okay", they replied.

"Glad to hear you understand", I moved on with my day.

And that was it. That was the extent of our conversation, still it was enough for the meaning to be understood and that's all it takes.

Have those brief yet important talks.

What do your children think of their siblings?

Growing up my siblings and I had pet names for each other. Unflattering, horrible names like: bitch, dog, bully, liar, physco, cruel, angry, hurtful, dibba dobba, trouble maker etc.

We lived by these names we gave each other and really believed this was who our siblings were. We grew into adults believing these names to be a true representation of who we were to each other and added more names the more we learned about different personalities. Not a very nice thing to believe about each other.

Like all children, we were the product of our upbringing and we took on certain traits in order to navigate our childhood; which was chaotic and difficult at times. We grew up poor with parents who didn't know how to communicate or get over their own terrible upbringings, and we developed negative beliefs about ourselves and each other.

We also noticed the good things in each other; funny, intelligent, playful, creative, talented, strong, independent etc.

Yet whenever anything bad happened it was straight back to our negative beliefs of each other. "Oh, they're still a bitch, bully, liar, trouble maker..."

The good parent - story 2

This lady is a single mum of two beautiful and wonderfully creative girls. Add to that she fosters other children and looks after rescue dogs, has cats, rabbits, axolotls... Her house is fun and crazy and at times a wild zoo. Always something interesting going on.

Her daughters take after her. She is an artist and paints. She is a chef and can create something from nothing. Always hospitable, friendly, easy going and great to talk to.

She does it alone because the father of her children doesn't have a lot of money and doesn't help out much financially (at least he has visits with his girls). And like a great many of us these days, family is some distant thing that is there but not anything tangible she can rely of for help or support. Still the children are always fed, have clothes on their backs, a stable roof over their heads and love and laughter.

It can be easy to begrudge life when it's hard and keeps throwing all manner of obstacles in the way, yet her house is filled with children who are growing up free to be themselves, free to be happy in their own skin, free to explore and seek out desires and dreams, while also being taught to stand up for themselves.

This lady doesn't wallow in pity or feel sorry for herself (well maybe sometimes because that's normal).  Each day she gets up and begins the day again and again making sure her children want for nothing and are provided for.

It's also important to her that her children learn life skill and help out around the home. They have chores and animals to look after and do these jobs understanding that this is how life works. You want pets, you have to look after them. You want nice things, you have to look after them.

The children have extra curricular activities so they're not missing out on life experiences because money is tight. The mum makes it work.

Getting your newborn baby into a routine

During your pregnancy your baby will have awake and asleep times. Pay attention to these moments, make a mental note of them. It will help when your baby is born. For example if you're baby is often awake at 3pm in the afternoon, chances are this will be an awake time for them when they're born.

Here is a simple feeding chart that outlines how to interact with your newborn baby so as not to excite or wake them up at times you want them (and yourself) to relax and fall back to sleep.

FEEDING TIMES:

Early Morning:                       1. Feeding and diaper change.

5-6am                                      2. Wake time: rock your baby and sing; place your baby on

their back in crib to watch a mobile.

3. Put baby down for a nap.

Midmorning:                          1. Feeding and diaper change.

8-9am                                      2. Wake time: take a walk with baby, run errands or visit

neighbours.

3. Put baby down for a nap.

Afternoon:                              1. Feeding and diaper change.

11-12pm                                  2. Wake time: bath baby and place baby in infant seat                                                         (rocker) near window.

                                                3. Put baby down for a nap.

Midafternoon:                        1. Feeding and diaper change.

2-3pm                                      2. Wake time: play with baby, have baby by your side as

you read or sew.

3. Put baby down for a nap.

Later Afternoon:                     1. Feeding and diaper change.

5-6pm                                      2. Wake time: family time.

                                                3. Put baby down for a nap.

Early Evening:                        1. Feeding, diaper change (maybe wake time), put baby

8-9pm                                      down for a nap.

Late Evening:                         1. Feeding and diaper change (NO wake time), put baby

11-12am                                  down for sleep.

Any questions?  Leave a comment below.