Sorry

I actually dislike the word sorry because most people who say it don't really mean it.

A cousin of mine at the checkout offers the clerk some change to make up the balance, then get a full note in return instead of more coins. Good idea. Nothing wrong there. Yet as she's picking the coins from her purse she is apologising profusely for being an inconvenience to the clerk.

Why on earth is she apologising? This is nothing to be sorry about!

NOTE: experts claim that saying sorry all the time denotes a person's belief they are not worthy of being on this earth. I can attest to this. The cousin in question is extremely insecure.

An example of someone saying sorry and not really meaning it would be an abusive partner who hits you, apologises, then does it again. If they were really, truly sorry they wouldn't do it again. What they're really apologising for is their inability to control their temper. Not that they feel so bad they won't do it again. They're saying 'I'm really a shit person who can't control my temper' and that is all their sorry means.

Sorry means you understand the hurt you caused and you feel so bad for doing it that you won't do it again. At all... ever! Sorry doesn't mean you'll do it again because you can't help yourself. That is NOT sorry. That is an excuse. Like saying sorry just because you think you should and not necessarily because you really feel remorse and understand the consequences of your actions.

Truly sorry in a situation like abuse would mean getting out of a relationship because you can't be in one without hurting somebody and seeking the necessary help to better yourself. That is genuine sorry.

Doing an action over and over again and apologising each time is not sorry.

When my partner and I have disagreements, he'll often tell me I never say sorry. That is because I re-frame it. I will say, I hear what you're saying, I understand how you feel, that it was upsetting and I won't do it again... and I don't do it again.

I'm the same with my children. I called my child an idiot out of anger, said I regret saying it, said I don't really feel that way and won't do it again. And I never did!

To me that is a more genuine apology than just saying the word sorry.

Give them a reason to leave their room

Is your teen/child spending tones of time in their bedroom hunched over a computer screen?

I'm sure I described just about every child almost everywhere? If this isn't you, what's your secret?

This is my children right now. On their devices for checking in, checking emails, school work, home work, chat with friends, listening to music, playing games. I wonder if it's called de'vice for a reason (vice = immoral or whicked. I'd also add addiction)?

It can be almost impossible to get teens in particular out of their rooms. They grumble about wanting to be left alone.

Previously I wrote about talking with teens, how to have those conversations. What if your teen won't leave their room? Well, they have to leave some times to go to the toilet, shower, eat, put clothes in the wash.

My child recently came out of their room to eat dinner. Perfect time to pounce, and by pounce I mean slink in like a smooth black cat. The conversation needs to be pleasant and engaging. Something my child won't dislike and run away from. I've talked about clashes between parenting styles. Here's an example of what that looks like and why you should avoid it.

My partner comes over to our child, agitated by some bad news the child received from school, expressing that agitation verbally. The child and I have already talked, amicably, and sorted it out. Now we're tense and my partner is grumbling.

Another child comes out to have lunch and my partner asks them if they logging in on time, keeping up with school work, any outstanding assignments; checking the child is on top of things. The child is not keen on talking about school, they're on a break. The child gives shorts answers and my partner digs for more. The child runs back into the bedroom to escape that line of questioning.

My partner is interrupting the children while they're doing school work to complain about something that hasn't been done in a tone that sounds like badgering the witness (they'd make a good lawyer). I shoo my partner away, advising that we raise these issues when the children are free.

When my child comes out of the room to eat dinner I ask, what they've been up to. Making something out of cardboard. I engage in that topic and they show me their work and we talked about it. The topic of school will also come up, in an easy going friendly way. I check if they need anything.

Can you see the difference between the two styles?

One will cause the child to hibernate more while the other engages in a somewhat meaningful conversation, getting to spend time with the child before they run back to their room to hibernate some more.

Which is more your parenting style?

My door is always open

I had a boss who said this to me and she was always approachable.  Always with a caring word, kind shoulder.  The type of boss you miss and think of from time to time.

My parenting was in it's early years when I met her and we had the same motto.  I was like this with my first child.   "You can tell me anything".

There have been times I've been confronted by what I'm hearing, still I respond as calmly as possible.  For example one of my children talked about a boy at school who was picked on and how they had joined in.  I had outright said I'm not happy to hear that.  We talked about how it would feel to be on the receiving end of that situation and how important it is to stand up for others who are in need or help.

Another child showed me an inappropriate note a young girl in class had shared.  We discussed her background and what lead to her behavior.

I have one child who is tricky to get to know.  It is hard because they keeps to themselves a lot and it's hard to help people who withdraw.  I have to find new and creative, yet not intrusive, ways to interact with them and find out how they're going.

They dislike my fussing and tell me to stop caring, when unwell and I was checking their temp, making sure they had water, checking to see if they wanted pain relief, or food.  I told my child "It's my job to care".  This is how I explain my role to my children.  It's my job.  My role in their life is to guide, help and be there for them.

I have wanted to lash out at my children from time to time and it's not as though I never loose my temper. I hold back because I want to remain approachable and there for them.

If we react with negativity, anger, disapproval, to our children they will withdraw, let us very little and not let us into their world. I want to be in my children's lives, knowing what they're up to, what is going on for them.  Are they sad, happy, frustrated, lonely? 

It's my job to know these things. Which is why my door is always open.