One thing I've struggled within my family unit is the good cop bad cop routine. My partner likes to be the good guy, the one the kids love more. My partner likes to buy their love with random toys, gifts, junk food and forgoing standard rules. When it comes to us being on the same page regarding parenting it has been a long hard battle and years in the making getting us to agree on certain points.
This was exacerbated by the fact that this way of parenting with the children only started when the middle child was born (and my partner seemed to favour him), so we had an older child who was good and respectful after parenting a specific (my) way for years... only to have a toddler who, to be honest, drove me up the wall with his notion that they were the most important person in the house, and everyone else go jump.
Why good cop bad cop doesn't work is because the rules aren't consistent, one parent has one set of rules while the other parent has a different set (or no rules) and children cannot tell which rules they should be following. As I'll point out often in this blog, consistency is KEY!
With my children having one set of rules with me and their dad ditching a number of my rules for his own personal gain, you can imagine we had a period there were my middle child was heading in a direction which, quite frankly, was embarrassing to me. Spoiled confused children act out and aren't really all that pleasant to be around.
A turning point came when we were trying to enroll our middle child in primary school (yes! it was a whopping 5 terrible years of torture trying to get dad on the same page as me!!). One school we applied for made a remark to my partner about how badly behaved our child was, giving us a clear indication they weren't keen to have him join their school. This public humiliation seemed to trigger a little something in my partner.
Don't get me wrong, bad habits are hard to break and my partner still has to fight against his addiction to have the kids love him. It is an ongoing war of wits and yet things have vastly improved over the years which is always a good thing.
I encourage you to sit down with each other and write down some fundamental parenting rules, some rules will be ridgid and cannot be broken while others maybe more flexible. See if you can both come to agreements on which rules you think fit into each category and let me know how you go.
For example a ridgid rule maybe that children must never be allowed to hit or punch their parents while a flexible rule might be bedtime is Xo'clock yet maybe they're allowed some leeway on Friday nights.
I'll level with you and admit that I grew resentful towards my middle child because of this and towards my partner. Through no fault of my child, they just weren't a nice person because my partner gave them everything they wanted and they were KING! Toddlers make terrible kings!!!!
This is not a happy space to be in when it comes to family and relationships. So if you are playing good cop consider the damage you're doing to ALL of your family members. It's time to STOP and get on the same page with your partner!
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