Protect your children from predators #2

A friend* told me once, I talk about peedy paedos (as I call them) too often. I'm not sure what "too often" means, considering they're not high on my list of people to discuss, let alone often, although the subject does come up from time to time. Others might mention it or there might be a story on TV or a post on social media or talking about family/friends who have been abused... 

Either way, I don't recall talking about the subject "often" and don't know what constitutes as often compared to other people/parents.

However, from as early as my children are able to understand I've talked to them about the importance of reporting any activity that might be untoward.

I would tell my children "No body is allowed to touch your privates. If anyone does you need to tell me, especially if they say it's a secret"

"If they tell you not to tell you definitely MUST tell" Reminding my children that only people with something bad to hide try to hide things from others.

This worked so well that when I tapped my child on the bottom they told me that's one of the off limits body parts.

If they were around strangers such as a school camp, sleep over, play date etc. I would ask them how it went and find out in a round about (sly) way if anything bad happened (this could be anything from bullying to worse) - and also talk about the awesome, fun things that happened. Kept the dialog open and let them know I'm here for them no matter what. 

(I've known people who had bad things happen to them as children, who didn't tell their parents because they were too affraid, or who told their parents only to not be believed - perhaps this is why I'm more aware of it?)

As they got older we had more in-depth conversations, not more as in more often or regular, just more age appropriate details and examples. For example, talking to my children about not taking photos of themselves in underwear or partly undressed and sharing them with others online because they're out there forever. I love the looks they give me like, who on earth would do that? A great empowering way for them to view things.

When they're in chat groups I ask them about the other members, their age, do they know them in real life, where do they know them from. It's rare for them to make connections with people they don't know in real life. I ask about the things they talk about, casual conversation that leads to them opening up, and mostly they'll talk about trolls or people who don't play fair or nice, or funny memes that were shared.

Recently I talked about online grooming, asking if their school had talked about this. Turns out schools aren't talking about how to protect yourself from online predators (only online bullies). Then my children asked what grooming meant and so we talked more about that and what it looks like.

This is what I mean. Open conversations where we can talk about anything and everything with each other. Building these relationships with my children, looking out for them, making sure they're ok, has kept them safe (as safe as can be).

That *person can judge me all they like. I've kept my children safe, protected them. I've taught them what to look out for, what to be aware of, how to spot untoward behavior. I've been very careful about who they've hung around with, where they go, who they see and spend time with.

It's something all parents should be doing. If you don't teach your children what to be wary of, and if you don't protect your children, who will?

Do you need parenting help?

Parenting is hard and there are all manner of things that can go wrong.

1/ Your upbringing was abusive and you find it hard not to parent that way.

2/ Your upbringing was neglectful and you lack the know-how to get your children to behave.

3/ You're unwell, have mental illness, disabilities and struggle to juggle.

4/ You're at work/busy all the time and children are so demanding.

5/ You had the child when you were still a child; you are meant to teach them all the rules yet you don't know them yourself.

STEP ONE - ask yourself

a/ Do you need parenting classes, help, advice, support, a day off from parenting? 

b/ Or are you someone who knows others in this position?

STEP TWO - learn

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Ask a parent who is doing well how they do it. Implement the necessary changes? Do better even if it's one thing a day, no yelling that day, adding extra things every so often.

Make Saturday mornings "everyone helps ... " days. Don't do it all alone. Children are there to help.

Read blogs, ask questions, borrow books. Seek advice. If you find helpful blogs share with friends so you can all help each other out. 

Test yourself. Are you doing or getting better?

STEP THREE - teach

If you know someone in need of help, step in and offer to do something for them. Assist.

If you're good at parenting, help another parent out. Sometimes that might mean giving them a break.

I know it is hard to mention to any parenting that what they're doing isn't working for them, yet we must. Even if it's 'can I try something', 'can I help', 'what do you need', 'I'd like to share something with you'.

TRUTH

We're not all good parents - and even good parents aren't good all of the time.

Some are really really terrible. Abusive. Violent. Ignorant. Neglectful. Distant. Not there for their children. Drugs, alcohol, trauma, mental illness.

Some violent parents want to do better, they just don't know how. Some don't or won't acknowledge they're violent. Some violent parents seek help and make improvements.

Truth be told, I've got friends (parents) who have asked for my help and don't follow through with advice. That falls on them at the end of the day. We can only do our best to assist. Each parent has to WANT TO DO BETTER. If they don't that falls on them and bad luck for the children (who may or may not become better parents themselves). 

Don't be passive aggressive

I'm not sure how many people who are passive aggressive know they are passive aggressive. Since it's difficult for people to know and see what their own faults are, I'd say there'd be a fair few who don't realise they are. I have met a number of people who are and seem oblivious about who they really are.

What does passive aggressive look like?

1/ Don't speak up for yourself.

I spy on my children

I'm Special Agent Wile.

I have a particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. I will find you and I will deal with the situation.

Not spying in the typical sense: I am the Liam Neeson of parenting spies.

I seek them out.

I gain their trust.

I insert myself into their world.

I ask questions, enquire about their interests.

I listen.

I gather intelligence. 

What are they doing? Who are they talking to? What conversations are taking place?

That looks like: me knocking on their door, checking in on them, seeing what they're up to, asking them to help me with something, getting them to do a chore so I can do my jobs. Talking to them when they're out of their room, offering food, doing a task together.

I see what they're up to. A new game on their computer. They love to talk about their achievements, what level they beat or are up to. Challenges. high scores. Crashes and burns, silly or cool people who are also in the game.

It's not the life I wanted for my children, sitting for copious amounts behind their computers, slouching. I wanted them out and about, off electronics, enjoying nature, moving. Incorporating as much outside, away from the computer, time as I can.

When going up to their door to knock I can hear conversations and I will listen, not to the words so much as what they convey and if my child is enjoying the interaction. I've no issue asking them about an interaction, saying if it sounded like it wasn't going well, or that it sounded like they were having a good laugh.

Their is no trust broken. No boundaries overstepped. Just allowing them the space to be honest and open and discussing their lives with me.

Those small signs of affection matter

Having looked after all manner of different children including special needs children, I've come to realise some children love hugs and affection while others loath it.

As a parent you learn to work around the different personalities of each child and some are easier to take care of than others, yet that doesn't stop me trying to be good, respectful and understanding to all of them.

One special needs child isn't fond of hugs or being touched, at least not without asking first. Sometimes the answer to a hug is no and sometimes the answer is yes.

This same child will come up to me and say they need a hug to which I oblige, and other times if I go up to them as say I need a hug they oblige.

Mostly, with this child I'll show them a brief sign of affection; a light touch of the shoulder as I pass them, maybe I'll touch their hair, or their head. Just a small sign that I'm thinking of them, a small sign that says "Love you". 

I will wait to read their body language and gauge their mood. Are they feeling friendly and warm or are they feeling removed and distant? Then I adapt my movements around them accordingly.

The same child doesn't like to be complimented, especially related to looks, yet if they do something cool and I say "That's clever," I can see that appeals to them. In that moment they feel appreciated, seen, relevant, important, clever.

Even if you have a child who isn't fond of affection there are still ways to let them know they matter and you care.

What drives a parent to murder a child?

In light of Kobi Shepherdson's death and the discussions that are ensuing, there are a lot of questions about what drives a parent to do this. Although, mostly people are talking about what makes 'evil men' do this, and talk of control and entitlement and revenge.

Truth is, it isn't only men who murder their children. Gabrielle Garcia also jumped to her death with her 22 month old son strapped to her. Although it is said that men are more likely to kill their children as an act of revenge (after a partner leaves them), where as women are more likely to kill their children due to mental illness and lack of support. 

Though, fundamentally both are born of mental issues and acts of desperation to some degree. Mentally healthy people don't abuse their partners or children, and mentally well people don't murder their children.

However, I have a confession.

Speak your mind

How to.  When to.

Always with respect. We don't resort to "Hey you idiot" or words like that. In saying that, my children do on occasion, name call, and when caught I'll speak my mind and say "That's not ok."

Some times people let an annoying thing build up and up, until they can't take it any more and explode; with rage or anger or upset and tears. If it gets like this you might have tolerated it for too long, or asked for it to stop repeatedly and it hasn't.

The best time to speak up is at the time it happens and as soon as you notice it bothers you, or shortly there after. Keep in mind some things that annoy you aren't going to make sense to others and that's ok. It's give and take.

You could say, I'll stop this and ask if you can please stop that in return.

NOTE: It will not happen if someone denies it happens. That cuts off any chance of change.

Do you let young children play outside alone?

Learning about the story of Nevaeh Buchanan, a 5 year old who was kidnapped and murdered, it got me wondering: is it normal for parents to let their young children play outside, late in the evening, alone?

Granted, Nevaeh's mother Jennifer, thought her daughter was at her friend's place - close enough that she could watch her daughter enter the friends house (as Jennifer claims she did).

Still, it was 6pm!  Night time! (even thought the sun is still up in that district)

Her little girl (only 5 - just graduated kinder) is allowed to go out and play at 6pm at night.  I don't understand the mother's thinking.  It just seems so negligent to me.

When my children we little they were never allowed out of my site.  If they went to the park I went with them, if they played in the street or out the front I went outside and watched them, if they went to a friends house I went with them (at the very least dropped them off and picked them up).  They were not free to rome the streets, especially at such a young age!

By 6pm my 5 year old would be home having dinner and getting ready for bed.  Small children should be going to bed early so they can recoup, grow and process all they've learned that day.  Not be out alone, playing with friends.

This is why I ask: is this normal?  Do parents usually let their young children play outside alone?

Explain yourself and your reasons

Because I said so!

How many times have you heard or said that?

I say it when there is no major reason for a situation to happen, it just has to happen, I just want it done, no questions asked.

However, I do like to explain my reasoning to my children, when I can, so they can understand the principles behind choices.

For example, 

I tell my children I'm feeling tired and emotional and need space instead of just yelling at them because they're in my space.

Apologise if you did yell at them and explain that you felt tired and took your mood out on them. Though make sure it's not a re-occurrence. Nothing worse than someone saying sorry only for them to repeat it again and again and again. Are they really sorry if they keep doing it?

I tell my children they're too young to be doing certain activities instead of just telling them they can't do something.

I give them the knowledge to understand there is method to the goings on in every day life.

Because I said so has it's time and place, yet it's not the answer to everything and doesn't teach children the reason behind an adult's decision.

Talk to your children, explain your reasoning.  This is how they learn how to reason and it's how they also learn to parent well.

Have you made peace with your parents?

There was a recent study done that showed that all adults have some type of trauma in their upbringing so some degree. Obviously it is considerably worse for some than for others. 

I've met adults who've had seriously traumatic upbringings who are so damaged it's heart breaking and gut wrenching. They stories they tell make me want to cry and hug them and wish they could have had better. The saddest part is, they're fundamentally left to their own devices as adults to deal with their damage and try to heal on their own.

These damaged individuals are just sent off into the world in hopes they'll just be ok or do well enough as adults. Often they fail because their trauma is too much for them to cope with every day life. Most end up abusing those around them because they don't know any other way to function. Some parent neglectfully because they would rather be too lenient than too disciplinary.

Some are lucky and break the cycle.