Don't blame your parents for your failures

There is a saying about how you can't blame your parents for your life being bad once you're the one in the driving seat.

We're pretty much in the driving seat once we move out of home. Sure, we still have our parents voices in our head, and if it was negative it's hard to get those voices to stop. Sometimes it's even hard to like ourselves depending on the type of damage your parents have done.

Still it's up to us to take over the wheel and be the drivers of our own life and stop blaming our parents and using them as our excuse for failure.

Are you guilty of this? Have you struggled to let go of the hurt your parents inflicted on you? Have you struggled to be a better parent than they were because you don't know any other way?

They key to letting go of the past and who your parents told you you are is finding yourself. Finding those things that make you happy and going for it.

How to get children to clean their room

Are you overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done around your house? Do your family members take you for granted, wallowing in the mess they create knowing that eventually you'll be the one to clean it up?

This is a scenario that is familiar to many parents, especially mothers.

So how do you get your children to clean their rooms on a regular basis so that you're not the one having to do all the work? 

Here's what I suggest.

Vying for love

I have a friend, who is now a grown women with children of her own, who is still vying for the attention of her mother.

It's sad to have watched how it played out over the course of many years. I remember having conversations with the mother about how detrimental her parenting towards her daughter was. Sadly it fell on deaf ears.

This situation was a case of the mother spoiling her daughter, letting her daughter call the shots, wanting to be liked by her daughter, then having these emotional breakdowns when the daughter's behavior got too overwhelming, then backing down and caving in when the daughter got upset by the yelling and potential discipline.

Your bad upbringing can go 3 ways

1) You continue the abuse.

2) You stop the abuse and learn better ways to parent.

3) You become a doormat to the child, so afraid of being strict you go the other way entirely. (I've also seen people who have had good upbringings go this way).

Obviously number 2 is the best option. Number 1 is sad for obvious reasons; you'd think not liking being abused the parent would not wish that upon their own children, yet sadly it doesn't work that way because we do what we know and are familiar with.

Option 3 is also a tragic option that I have witnessed first hand.

Responsibility equals good behavior

If you've ever watched the show The World's Strictest Parents you will have notice one key ingredient they use for creating well behaved, well mannered children. Responsibility, and lots of it.

The worse the behavior the bigger the responsibility the child (including teens) is given.  

Raising brats

Some parents don't know they're raising brats or if they do, they don't understand why their children are that way. They foolishly think there is nothing they're doing to cause it and nothing they can do to stop it.

For example: I know a lady with teen daughters who don't help around the house. She can't get them to do any house work or contribute in a healthy way that helps her run the house smoothly. She'll ask them to do a chore and they'll say later and never do it. Then she'll complain to others that her children aren't helping out and she cant' get them to help out. Some one suggested she stop driving her daughters places they wish to go until such time as they're helping out. She said she can't do that because she feels obligated to driver her daughters here and there.

Pay attention to the good things

Recently I caught my child eating in a room they're not meant to eat in. Yes we have 'no food allowed' rooms. It saves on cleaning and we all know how relentless cleaning is, especially when there are children involved.

At first I was cross with them and gave them stern words about being in a room with food when they know they're not allowed to eat in there. They tried to tell me they didn't know that rule which caused me to have more words about how untrue that statement is.

I was stern, but not too cross, because it is just a room and no harm was done.

Those flip out moments

If we're honest with ourselves we all have flip out moments as parents. It's how we deal with those moments that makes all the difference because it's those flip out moments that our children tend to remember the most.

If you think about your parents can you recall the times your parents got angry with you? Or can you only recall happy moments because that was all your childhood was filled with (lucky you)? For most of us those angry moments stand out in our memories. If those moments were frequent it can seem like that was all our childhood was about; angry parents who never stopped yelling at us and telling us how bad we were.

Being yelled at doesn't feel good. Getting into trouble doesn't feel good. Yet learning lessons is a normal part of childhood and it's the parents job to teach their children those valuable lessons. In good ways a child can learn from without being made to feel bad about themselves. 

Does the consequence fit the crime?

Along with consistency there must also be consequences, preferably immediate!!

Let me jump straight into examples.

Scenario 1) Your child is on a trampoline and is pushing other children. He pushes one child over and that child gets hurt. You do nothing and he does it again. This time another child gets hurt. After a while you tell your child if they don't stop they'll have their iPad  taken away for a week.

What's wrong with that scenario?