When should I put my children to bed?

According to the above chart if your 5yo wakes at 7:30am you should keep them up until 8:30pm... or keep your 8yo up until 9pm - even though young adult TV time begins at 7:30pm and adult TV time begins at 8:30pm (which suggests children should be in bed by then).

Now I know parenting is diverse. 

I've met parents who keep their 2yo up until they go to bed themselves (around 11pm) because they can't get her to stay in bed. I know parents who keep their 10yo up until 10pm or 11pm (he struggles at school and they can't imagine why). In fact I've met all manner of parents with varying bedtimes and yet I've met very few parents who actually put their children to sleep at reasonable hours.

If I drew up a bedtime chart it would look VERY different to the one above. 

Turn the TV off

Do you struggle to get your children's attention because they've got their head buried in an iPad, laptop, game or TV?

In this electronic babysitter era it can be hard to get your child's attention. The devices can be hypnotising with monotonous music and repetitive actions... and your voice is but a distant sound off in the far yonder. 

Sometimes I'll ask my children something and get ignored. 

"What? Did somebody say something?" They wonder for all of about half a second before being lost in their virtual world again.

To get their attention sometimes I need to get drastic!

I might ask a second time and if I still don't get an answer I'll go right up to them and look them in the eye until they look at me. Sometimes I'll turn the TV off or take their gadgets away mid play. They'll protest and say they're going to die (in the game) if I don't give it back.

"Too bad," I say, "It's nothing compared to what might happen if you continue to ignore me." 

Such as maybe the device will be banned for a day, two days, a week.

What methods do you use to get your child's attention when their gadgets stop them from paying attention to you?

Sloth

I visited a house where the stay at home mum doesn't clean or tidy up. I don't know what she does with all her time at home not working, but her small flat is a pig sty.

You walk in to find clothes, shoes and house hold items, large and small, all over the floor, coffee tables, couches. There is literally nowhere to sit! Entering the kitchen there is a giant pile of clothes in the kitchenette and dirty dishes covering every inch of bench space and piled up in the sink. The other rooms are much the same.

How someone lives their life is their deal, it doesn't affect me directly and has no bearing on my life. Although is has every affect and bearing on her daughter's life.

This lady had a baby, then a toddler, then a small girl who will grow into a teen, then adult, living in this filthy environment. What does living like this teach that little girl? Not to mention the danger such an environment poses. The little girl could put something in her mouth and choke, not to mention the germs and so forth.

As an adult you re free to live your life how you choose. As a parent you HAVE to think about how your lifestyle choices affect your children. It is not good enough to have children and live in whatever sty you like. You need to make good and decent adult choices... or perhaps think about whether you're really ready to be a parent.

5 toilet rules

1) Try not to make a mess or drip.

2) If you do mess, clean it up.

3) Wipe your bottom property.

4) Flush.

5) Put the seat down and take any empty toilet roll holders with you.

I have this list for my children to help make toilet time a little bit easier for them.  If you tell a young child to clean up after themselves or do certain things when it comes to going to the toilet, they're very likely to forget.

If you have a simple list for them to see and follow it makes learning easier for them and your job that little bit easier as well (with any luck), and after a while it becomes second nature.

Say the magic word

Please.

Please is the magic word!

I was at a children's party standing round talking to one of the dads while children played noisily around us.  Children laughing, playing, running here and there, having fun.  Groups of parents talking to each other. 

While I was talking with one dad my child came up and said "Can I have some cheezles?" It was great that they were asking because some children would just eat what ever's there, but my child wanted to know which foods he can have, and which ones might be off limits (such as soft drink).

I kept talking to the dad as though my child hadn't spoken. The man was surprised and stopped talking to look at my child but I acted as though I'd heard nothing.

My child asked again "Can I have some cheezles?" I still said nothing and acted as though I couldn't hear him. By now the man was squirming a bit and thinking I am a very rude mother not acknowledging my child. I didn't let what this man was thinking of me change my tactic.

Then my child says "Can I please have some cheezles?"

"Yes," I beamed at my child, happy that he'd used his manners. My child smiled too, happy that I'd said yes and he'd remembered the magic word.

The man nearly fell over he was so surprised. He had thought I was being deliberately rude and couldn't understand why. When my child asked using the magic word he was stunned and amazed and no doubt a little (very) impressed.

My children know if they don't use their manners the answer is no, or quite often I won't answer at all.

If they say huh? I don't repeat myself. I wait for them to say pardon. If they ask nicely for something I don't let go until they say thank you, or will take it back until they say thank you. 

They have learned manners must be used no matter what.

Are you a good foreman?

There is a picture that depicts what it means to be a boss (to tell someone what to do) vs a leader (to show someone how to do it). Lead by example.

I'm sure a great many of us have experienced a really awful boss, supervisor, team leader, or work colleague and come away from the experience disliking that person for how they left us feeling.

When it comes to parenting it's much the same.

You have to be a good foreman and run the ship in a respect and decent manner. You can't simply be demanding, yelling a lot and berating people into submission. Or be lazy and expect others to do all the work, leaving your children to turn rotten. Or controlling, thinking you're the only one who can do it well so you berate your children for not doing a good enough job.

Don't make a rod for your own back, or your children's, and don't make your job harder than it needs to be.

The idea is to make your life and the life of your children as happy and peaceful as possible. 

To do this you need to be the type of foreman you'd like to have bossing you around.

Are you a good foreman?  Are you fair?  Are you respectful?  Or are you lazy, demanding, bullying... and generally someone others wouldn't (don't) like?

Do you ask for help?

On the day I become sick (with a chest infection) I was due to meet up with a friend. I had to cancel and when I did they told me to let them know if I needed anything. At the time I was thinking, "Well, yes I need some milk and bread and ..." but I would never have asked. Because my friend lives fifteen minutes drive away and has her own family to look after, but more than that; it's because I'm contagious and wouldn't want to give it to her or anybody else. So I didn't ask for help.

My sister phoned and I couldn't talk. She asked if I wanted her to bring over some chicken soup, nice of her to think of me. She lives an hour away by public transport and there is no way I'd ask that of her.

Then there is the flip side.

Teach your children to look after themselves...

It's flu season. Just about everyone I know is getting the flu or has family members getting the flu. This year's flu was particularly severe according to experts with record numbers recorded.

Recently I was unwell with a chest infection for almost two weeks, though only 6 days of that were spent bedridden. I had a wracking cough and had to sleep partially sitting up. Sleep was fitful with coughs waking me during the night. I could barely get a sentence out without coughing so I didn't say much, talked seldom, didn't give many directions to the children. After the chest infection was long over, the niggling cough I had took around 3 to 4 weeks to fully go away; before I could say a full sentence without setting off a coughing fit. 

During this time my children were troopers. When I didn't wake in the morning they got themselves ready for school, older siblings helping younger ones. I would come out and see them off, giving them a hug before they left, making sure they got out the door okay. By then they'd already had their breakfast, gotten dressed, brushed teeth (at least I hope they did), made their lunches, packed their bags, then road to and from school together.

After getting home from school they made themselves snacks and basic dinners like bake beans and eggs on toast, two minute noodles, party pies and sausage rolls they could heat up in the oven. Nothing considerably healthy but not super unhealthy either. They weren't eating lollies and ice cream and chips and they were still eating fruit and some vegetables.

How lucky are your children?

By lucky I don't mean spoiled. I don't mean to they get everything they want. I mean how good are their experiences? 

As one of my children cracks open a coconut, tips out the juice and begins to scrape out the coconut flesh to enjoy I realise they're experiencing something lucky. They are unaware of that. All they know is they asked if they could get a coconut, mum said yes and now they're trying one out.

My child doesn't know that when mum was a little girl she never experienced such a thing and most likely would have been told no if she'd asked. Were coconuts even in the supermarket when I was little?

They're not thinking about the thousands of people living in poverty who don't get to eat let alone have their own coconut.

They don't know that their obese friend will never get to experience something like that.

When it's time for bed STAY IN BED!

Do you have children who come out of their room every couple of minutes to do something else they forgot they needed to do?  When really they're just making excuses to come out and not stay in bed?

"I forgot my teddy."

"I need my blanky."

"I need to go to the toilet."

"I need a drink."

"My finger hurts."

"I can't sleep."

I confess I have one of these children.  Once I tuck my children in I view this as my time. I don't want them continually coming out and interrupting my time.

My way to getting my children to stay in bed is threatening to take their teddy or blanket or other precious item away. "If you come out again I'll take it off you." If they do come out and I take it away I tell them they'll have it back if they stay in bed and I'll go in later and return the item.

Recently my youngest child kept getting out of bed and playing in the bedroom instead of sleeping. I'd go in and find them among Lego building and playing. They had this cartoon they'd drawn, were really proud of and I told them, "If you get out of bed one more time I'll rip your picture."  They did get out again and I grabbed the pictured and began ripping a corner of it slowly; not really intent on damaging the picture. Hoping this was enough to make my child panic and stay in bed. It worked, as I knew it would and for the next couple of weeks they were staying in bed.

Find that bargaining tool. Every child has one and it can be different for each child and change from time to time. Keep searching until you discover what your child's is: maybe it's their pocket money, their iPad, their Lego, their favourtie teddy, no dessert... Once you've found it use that to your advantage to help with getting your children to do as you ask because it is important to get your child in bed early so you can have You Time.

Your faults and good points

We all have parts of parenting we're good at and parts that we're not good at. Maybe you're a good provider yet you yell a lot. Maybe you're nice to your children yet not very loving or affectionate.  Maybe you drink a lot yet always plan and look out for your children's wellbeing.  Maybe you like to look out for healthy food options for your children yet you don't discipline.

Mum was good at discipline and helping us learn right from wrong. She was against racism and belittling the disabled. She was not, however, against belting her children and calling them names.

Note the difference: a smack is a small generally softish whack on a child's bottom or hand - not intended to hurt but to SHOCK the child into stopping; generally because of being in immediate danger. A belting is repeated whacks while yelling at your child and taking your anger out on a small person who can't fight back or defend themselves. If you do this... STOP!

Food doesn't just appear

Teach your children where food comes from. Teach them how to shop. Teach them all there is to know about shopping.

Food just doesn't appear in your pantry. There was a process to getting the food there. You wanted or needed an item. You made a list or committed items to memory. You went up the street for food or got someone else to get or deliver items for you. You paid money for the food. Food isn't free and there was a process to making it happen.

Your children aren't born knowing this and don't know it if you don't teach them. They may see you going shopping or you speak of how you went shopping. Maybe you shop without them during the day when they're at school, or leave them home with your partner. For all your children know, you needed food, the pantry or fridge was empty, then there was food. They most likely don't know how much it cost, if you had to skimp and scrape to be able to afford the food.

Did you children go shopping with you? 

Did they help you make a list or help you with crossing off the list while you shopped? 

Do you shop by memory or just add anything to the trolley? 

Did your child(ren) take a note of what was needed to the store for you? 

Did they take some money and pay and come back with change? 

Did they help load and unload the shopping and put the food away?  

If you got a home delivery did your children help you unpack the groceries and tick items off the list?

Are your children aware of how much food cost compared to your income and how to budget to afford items? Do you teach your children to read the back of food items to look for sugar content, additives and colourants?

As an adult you have learn many of these things and just go about your shopping automatically and your children will learn as they grow. It is a good idea to teach them when they're younger so they can help you and you're not doing all the work yourself. This also sets them up well for when they're adults and move out of home. They'll need to know how to shop and how to budget.

Weekend boot camp

"I'm not your maid."  How often have you felt this way or said this to your family?

Sadly I know of too many parents who feel this way about their children because they are doing too much, and sometimes everything, for their children and partners as well.

One such lady I know has been struggling with being the maid for years and years and I had the privilege of staying at her house for a weekend and helping her implement a household routine that would free her from the hassle of never ending daily chores.

This lady has always been driven by a strong pride to upkeep her house to a certain standard, while also believing she shouldn't be putting any extra work load onto her children because their lives are already hectic and busy, and they're overwhelmed enough. She has forgotten completely that it is NOT her role to be the maid and that she is also overwhelmed and needs the others in her house to help so that she is NOT doing it ALL alone.  Especially when she is not the one creating the most of the mess.

But... she had no idea what organising roles would or should look like. This is where I stepped in to help.

STEP ONE:
Write down a list of all the jobs that need doing around the house.

Getting children ready for school

Do you struggling in the morning to get your children ready for school? Are your mornings chaos with meltdowns and tantrums and lazy children who are distracted by TV or can't find their shoes (because they're not really looking)? Are you doing all the work making all the lunches, getting school clothes ready, packing bags, finding missing items? Do you spend your mornings feeling frazzled and yelling at your children?

One of the easiest things you can do to help your mornings run smoothly and to get your children to help out is to write a list of things that need to be done. Specifically the things your children need to do.

Maybe your child has just started school this year and is not use to the new routine and all the bits that go with getting ready for school (because it's much different to kinder). Make a basic list for them to follow:

1. Have breakfast
2. Brush teeth
3. Get dressed
4. Pack bag

In the early stages you'll still be doing the bulk of the work because your child is still young; making lunches, helping to pack bags and get your child ready for school. Yet there are certain steps for them to learn early on so they know how to get ready for school, get into a routine and take on some of the responsibility.

As they get older this list will grow and include things like them making their lunches, remembering their drink bottle, putting their school clothes in a certain spot so they know where to find them the next morning, making sure they've got their reader, school diary and homework packed.

Keep the list you make on the fridge and point to each step asking your child if they've each step. Eventually your child will know what is expected of them, know they things they have to do as apposed to the bits you're doing and you can work together to get ready, instead of you having to do it all and being overwhelmed.

And remember: do not let them watch TV before school!

The system is broken

In days gone by it was acceptable to hurt and beat your children into submission. There is that old saying "Spare the rod, spoil the child." As though a child who was never hit with a rod was instantly a spoiled brat.

Around the 1970/80's people began to get psychological about parenting and bringing to light how hitting and berating your children was emotionally and mentally damaging. Still it took a while to catch on because those old parenting ways of hitting instead of talking were ingrained in our society. Even now we have the great smacking debate with parents and experts still unable to agree on whether we should be allowed to smack our children or not? You still get parents saying, "I was smacked and I turned out ok."

Firstly smacking is different to child abuse (in which children often come out damaged). We need to get straight about that! One small whack, tap or light hit on a bottom (which is what a smack is) is not abuse. It's not necessarily necessary and there are other ways to get a child to behave... still it doesn't equate as abuse. How the smack occurs determines whether it is abuse or not, it's not primarily abuse simply because it occurred.

I once witnessed a mother hit her small daughter on the bum repeatedly, over and over again, because her daughter had touched and broken a glass bottle in a supermarket. To the staff and supermarket managers one broken bottle by a little girl was nothing. To the mother, who seemed to take it badly, it seemed to hurt her ego as a parent: as though she'd failed somehow because her daughter broke someone else's property. Firstly it was an accident. Secondly she was very young little girl, 2 or 3. Thirdly the reaction by the mother was far too excessive and I called her up on it, whereby she looked at me embarrassed and quickly walked off dragging her daughter behind her. That was abuse and I doubt very highly, if that was a regular occurrence in that little girls' world that she turned out ok. She didn't look ok at the time, she looked terrified and unable to escape her mother's clutches and repeated whacks. She cried and flinched and did not seem to understand what was happening to her or why. Heartbreaking.

The slap

Have you ever wanted to hit someone else's child? 

Hitting children in general is no longer encouraged though a great many parents still don't mind the use of a hit now and again to deal with an unruly child. Hitting someone else's child is almost the worst thing you can. It seems to offend another parent's sensibilities, especially if they're not into smacking, which is fair enough.

I hit another person's child once. I was 14 and had been babysitting for the local neighbourhood for years. Although I was young I was a good and trustworthy babysitter. I could change nappies, give babies bottles, tuck toddlers into bed, play games and entertain children, tidy up after children, feed children and tidy the kitchen. I didn't bring boyfriends over, ignore the children or spend time on the phone. I did a honorable job making sure the children were safe and happy in my care.

This is why I was the local neighbourhood babysitter. My reputation spread and I was highly sought after and my rates were low.

One family I had worked for, for around a year, had a daughter around 10, a boy 8 and a baby, around 12months. Every afternoon after school I would go around to their house and mind the children until the parents came home around 6:30pm - 8:30pm. Either the dad or the mum had collected them from school and waited until I arrived before giving me instructions, then leaving me in charge. Sometimes I minded the children while the parents went out on dates.

The instructions might be things like they needed to be in bed by x time, don't give them any this or that, prepare their dinner, help with homework.

No one's talking about verbal abuse

There is a lot of talk about how damaging physical abuse is when it comes to raising children. We know more about the damage of physical abuse and how badly it can affect us as adults. When it comes to the topic of verbal abuse people assume it's the lesser or two evils.

From what I've seen of parents in action, a vast many still think it's ok to insult their child or call their children awful names. I've heard parents call their children all sorts of names and believe that because it is verbal, not physical, it's not abuse. Or even think because it's the truth it's ok, i.e. my daughter is being a bitch so it's ok if I call her a bitch. Yeah... I'm fairly certain that your child is wearing that name calling in a negative way you can't imagine and holding onto it as though it's fact. Because mummy or daddy says so it must be true.

Let me tell you a story about a woman I know.

Parenting Nazi

We've all heard the term grammar Nazi, a person who often corrects a persons grammar or spelling. Parenting Nazi is a term I've jokingly and affectionately coined for myself regarding parenting.

People are funny in that there are some things they don't mind being helped with and then there are things the refuse to accept help with. For example if your car breaks down and you don't know how to fix it, you've no problem letting someone else fix it for you. If the fan belt is broken and you're trying to replace it but you don't know how to do it you've no problem letting someone else show you how to replace it. You most likely won't be thinking, "Piss off you fan belt Nazi."

Yet if you're parenting style is broken and someone comes along and tries to help you, you'll most likely be agitated and very reluctant to accept that help. For example I know a mum whose parenting style is broken. Visiting her once she was on the verge of tears talking about how her children were overwhelming and stressing her out to the point of a nervous breakdown, and she was thinking about going on anti depressants.