What drives a parent to murder a child?

In light of Kobi Shepherdson's death and the discussions that are ensuing, there are a lot of questions about what drives a parent to do this. Although, mostly people are talking about what makes 'evil men' do this, and talk of control and entitlement and revenge.

Truth is, it isn't only men who murder their children. Gabrielle Garcia also jumped to her death with her 22 month old son strapped to her. Although it is said that men are more likely to kill their children as an act of revenge (after a partner leaves them), where as women are more likely to kill their children due to mental illness and lack of support. 

Though, fundamentally both are born of mental issues and acts of desperation to some degree. Mentally healthy people don't abuse their partners or children, and mentally well people don't murder their children.

However, I have a confession.

Speak your mind

How to.  When to.

Always with respect. We don't resort to "Hey you idiot" or words like that. In saying that, my children do on occasion, name call, and when caught I'll speak my mind and say "That's not ok."

Some times people let an annoying thing build up and up, until they can't take it any more and explode; with rage or anger or upset and tears. If it gets like this you might have tolerated it for too long, or asked for it to stop repeatedly and it hasn't.

The best time to speak up is at the time it happens and as soon as you notice it bothers you, or shortly there after. Keep in mind some things that annoy you aren't going to make sense to others and that's ok. It's give and take.

You could say, I'll stop this and ask if you can please stop that in return.

NOTE: It will not happen if someone denies it happens. That cuts off any chance of change.

Do you let young children play outside alone?

Learning about the story of Nevaeh Buchanan, a 5 year old who was kidnapped and murdered, it got me wondering: is it normal for parents to let their young children play outside, late in the evening, alone?

Granted, Nevaeh's mother Jennifer, thought her daughter was at her friend's place - close enough that she could watch her daughter enter the friends house (as Jennifer claims she did).

Still, it was 6pm!  Night time! (even thought the sun is still up in that district)

Her little girl (only 5 - just graduated kinder) is allowed to go out and play at 6pm at night.  I don't understand the mother's thinking.  It just seems so negligent to me.

When my children we little they were never allowed out of my site.  If they went to the park I went with them, if they played in the street or out the front I went outside and watched them, if they went to a friends house I went with them (at the very least dropped them off and picked them up).  They were not free to rome the streets, especially at such a young age!

By 6pm my 5 year old would be home having dinner and getting ready for bed.  Small children should be going to bed early so they can recoup, grow and process all they've learned that day.  Not be out alone, playing with friends.

This is why I ask: is this normal?  Do parents usually let their young children play outside alone?

Explain yourself and your reasons

Because I said so!

How many times have you heard or said that?

I say it when there is no major reason for a situation to happen, it just has to happen, I just want it done, no questions asked.

However, I do like to explain my reasoning to my children, when I can, so they can understand the principles behind choices.

For example, 

I tell my children I'm feeling tired and emotional and need space instead of just yelling at them because they're in my space.

Apologise if you did yell at them and explain that you felt tired and took your mood out on them. Though make sure it's not a re-occurrence. Nothing worse than someone saying sorry only for them to repeat it again and again and again. Are they really sorry if they keep doing it?

I tell my children they're too young to be doing certain activities instead of just telling them they can't do something.

I give them the knowledge to understand there is method to the goings on in every day life.

Because I said so has it's time and place, yet it's not the answer to everything and doesn't teach children the reason behind an adult's decision.

Talk to your children, explain your reasoning.  This is how they learn how to reason and it's how they also learn to parent well.

Have you made peace with your parents?

There was a recent study done that showed that all adults have some type of trauma in their upbringing so some degree. Obviously it is considerably worse for some than for others. 

I've met adults who've had seriously traumatic upbringings who are so damaged it's heart breaking and gut wrenching. They stories they tell make me want to cry and hug them and wish they could have had better. The saddest part is, they're fundamentally left to their own devices as adults to deal with their damage and try to heal on their own.

These damaged individuals are just sent off into the world in hopes they'll just be ok or do well enough as adults. Often they fail because their trauma is too much for them to cope with every day life. Most end up abusing those around them because they don't know any other way to function. Some parent neglectfully because they would rather be too lenient than too disciplinary.

Some are lucky and break the cycle.

I am matriarch

My children idolise their dad. He isn't home as often as I am and doesn't spend as much time with them as I do, plus he also plays the good guy when he is with them. It's only natural they they adore him.

My youngest child told me the other day that they love dad more than me. I told them "I know" in my super understanding voice and that was that. Sure there was a small part of me that felt hurt. 

At the same time I know I am the matriarch in my family.

My children look up to me and they respect me. I know this because sometimes when dad is telling them to stop doing something they'll continue until I walk in the room. Then they'll stop what they're doing straight away without me having to say a word. They know I will back their dad and I say what I mean and mean what I say.

People should earn the right to be in your children's lives

I have a brother who is angry. He's often losing his temper. Recently we had a conversation after one of his outbursts, that resulted in me saying "No more" to him being in our lives. He accused me of altering my children's perception of him and withholding them (and other family members) from him.

He doesn't realise him flipping a chess game and pieces all over the place because he accidentally spilled some wine, while playing chess with one of my children, had them develop their own perception of him (he's got a temper).

Here's the thing, neither he nor anyone else is entitled to be in my children's lives no matter how much they might like and want a relationship with my children.

I am their protector. People have to earn the right to be in my children's lives and they have to work at holding onto that prestige. It's not a given simply because we are related or that you know me.

It is the same for people who are friends with my partner and I who assume their children should be in my children's lives. They're basically imposing their brats onto us. We do not have to accept that. After the situation of their children being badly behaved; killing creatures, hurting my children and being disrespectful to adults, we went out of way to keep those children away from ours. 

Eventually they asked us why and I told them, our children clash, best to keep them separated.

You should be doing this as well. Have people who enter your life prove they are worthy and hold them accountable for actions that show they are not worthy.

Your children are precious and life is precarious enough without letting bad people into your children's lives.

Detention centers and children

I've never met someone from a detention center such as the one in Darwin where Aboriginal children are locked up for petty crimes and abused. Yet I've all heard about the bad things that happen there. People ending up in there for petty reasons, minor offenses, usually their race plays a significant part, and in some cases nothing much at all lands them inside. Then they're treated badly by those in charge of caring for them!

Who are the people working there? How did they get the job? Did they pass some type of humanity test? This can't be the best we get or all we have to offer these children? Where are the good role models running these facilities? Instead they seem to have come from terrible places, come to dump their low self esteem on those stuck in these terrible places. 

They probably think it's big person stuff to oppose another's wishes and well being. They're really just adult bullies. People who bully just for the sake of being able to kid themselves, see I'm big!

Bullies are ugly, yet bullies are raised... by bullies. They learn how to bully in order to win and to survive. This is why it is so important to teach bullies the answer is NO. NO you're not going to hurt and offend children incarcerated. You're not going to demean them, big note yourself, do unto them as you'd never want done to you! If you going to treat people so deplorable you're fired!

It feels as though we're raising more and more people to feel entitled to be cruel, to bully, to think they have to be big and powerful to matter, that dumping on another person in no position of power makes the abuser feel more powerful.

People in a position of control over others should NOT be treating others as though they have no worth. EVER!

If you have to belittle others in order to feel powerful, you have NO power!

Think about that.

Ask your children to work together

My children squabble, bicker, antagonise, fight, push, shove. It's as though when they're in the near vicinity of each other they have to disagree about something.

Stopping children from fighting is tricky. I've been trying all heir lives!

Strategies that work sometimes are mediating, talking to each child about how they're feeling and things that are going on in their world; in front of siblings, giving them chores. I also talk about how we parents aren't pushing and shoving and hitting each other. I tell them sometimes I'm sure we almost feel tempted to punch or slap or say something nasty but we're adults, we don't argue that way. It's not the done thing. It is the same with siblings and school and friendships and relationships and the work force. Hitting doesn't really sort out much of anything. Communicating works best.

One thing I tried recently was asking them to work on dinner together. I was too unwell to cook and I asked the children to do the honours. Telling them they had to work together, giving them the recipe and telling them to work out who was doing what. The minute they starting running through the menu there was nit-picking, which turned into more. I had to get up and intervene. Reminding them that if they were in a work force or some such situation they'd had to be able to do this without fighting.

One child cracked the frustrations and sauntered off. The dinner was cooked without them and we all ate.

Not a raging success.