10 things you should NOT give your children

1. Coke (the soft drink). It contains more caffeine than a cup of coffee. We don't give our children coffee and yet foolishly parents give their children coke! Don't do it.  It is NOT ok to do so. Not to mention the amount of sugar and chemicals in this stuff. I'd go so far as to add soft drink in general though many of you will disagree.

2. Energy drinks. What child needs an energy drink? They were created for athletes to drink before games and are now sold to the public. I saw two young boys (around 10) come out of a shop with energy drinks in hand and I was cross that the shop owner is allowed to sell them to underage children. It straight up bothers me that both coke and energy drinks do NOT have a warning label on them stating they SHOULD NOT be given to children or teens under a certain age.

Toilet training

[From a few years ago]

I toilet trained my toddler recently. 

To give a little back ground, my toddler is 2years 10months. I had tried toilet training them on and off over the past 6 months or so with no major success. Starting off with a potty and no nappy and having them twiddle and poop on the floor twice. Put the nappy back on a waited a few weeks. I tried again and we had more accidents, though we did have a successful potty run. Elated I congratulated my toddler and did a happy dance thinking this would have them going back for more. It did not. We had more accidents and they refused to go on the potty again. So back on went the nappy and I waited a few more weeks or was it months? 

Since I work all day and my toddler plays in the play area while I work, I kept putting the toilet training in the too hard basket. How was I going to get any work done if I kept having to stop and ask if they needed to go to the potty? How was I going to get any work done if I kept having to stop what I was doing to clean up accidents? And what I thought was even more taxing… was if I kept having to stop to wipe their bottom if and when toilet training was successful. In a sense it was me who was not ready for toilet training.

Just recently I tried training undies but when my toddler felt the fabric on their toosh they thought they could do their business and the undies would hold it all in just like the nappy. I gave up trying again, while I re-strategised. 

Manners... are they still important?

I'd love to know the percentage of parents who still think manners are important and I'd like to think they outnumber those who don't.

One really good thing about Australia is it's multiculturalism and yet... not all nationalities consider manners that important, or perhaps they have different types of manners. I don't mean that as an insult, it's true that different nationalities have different customs, and quite often they're not familiar with customs outside their own. Not that people of other nationalities are the only ones who forget manners. I've heard many a child not use their manners over the years and each time I'm always shocked that their parents don't consider it important or respectful to others.

Those that don't insist their children use manners are mostly unaware that the manners were expected. They're not use to needing them therefore they're ignorant to the fact that quite often manners are called for.

Time out

Over the years parenting styles come and go. Once upon a time is was normal and ok to beat the living daylights out of a child and call it discipline. Corporal punishment at school was normal. Another adult giving your disrespectful child a clip over the ear was acceptable and helped keep children in line because the community helped raise the children.

Beating and abusing your children is now an offence (which is a good thing), corporal punishment is no longer allowed (another good thing) and heaven forbid another adult should dare to tell your child off let alone smack them!  It no longer takes a community to raise a child. We're all in it by ourselves these days and this is, in my opinion, a big reason why so many parents struggle with getting their children to do what they're told. They've no where to turn, no-one to ask. In fact many don't seek advice and get very narky and offended if you dare give it. That's a shame because some parents have a lot to learn while other parents are very good at teaching.

Anyway, a number of years ago and new parenting technique came about. Time out.

The 5 compliments challenge

What I'm about to say here can change your family dynamic for the better.

Do your children fight with each other all the time? Lots of calling each other bum head or poo face or worse? Is it a case of who had the toy first, who's winning the game they're playing, turning everything into a competition?

Try this challenge.

Give your children 5 compliments a day (5 to each child), to them and in front of their siblings. Complimenting children boosts their self confidence and self esteem - a VERY important job for you as a parent. It also enables you and their siblings to see them in a more positive light. Saying, "Oh look how thoughtful your sibling is, putting their clothes in the wash without being asked," tells the child they're thoughtful, it tells you they're thoughtful, it tells the siblings they're thoughtful and they'll want to aspire to being thoughtful (or their own skill) as well.

Pick your battles wisely

As a parent one of your hardest jobs is learning which battles to pick and which one's to leave. Children push many buttons and they're very good at it. Quite often they'll do some button pushing simply because it gets them a reaction they find favourable in some way. Perhaps it got them attention or perhaps they got to see their parent explode like TNT and feel powerful for creating that explosion. Or perhaps the parent caved in and the child won!

Over your child's formative years there will be many battles lost and won. Some battles weren't worth having while others you NEEDED to win and didn't. Then there are some parents who don't pick any battles because an attempt to win is too much work and they can't be bothered.

How do you know which battles to pick and which battles to win?

Hippy guru parenting

⬅️ I like this quote, unless you're children are brats then you should be very concerned about what society thinks.

[Hippy guru parenting is what I call parents who pretend to teach their child while really they're simply not being assertive or consistent.]

Have you heard of the new style of parenting where parents let children learn to make their own judgments by learning from their mistakes, giving them freedom to test the boundaries and make up their own minds about how they want to explore and interact with the world?

I hadn't heard of it until I had a run in with a friend of mine. She would visit (with her husband who is equally, if not more, lazy) and I found her parenting style so lax I wanted to scream. Her 'style' was to sit back and relax while her children did pretty much as they pleased with the view that they'd learn to make reasonable choices, which might have been fine if her children were well behaved or had been given some decent direction in the first place, but that wasn't the case.

Consistency is key!

I understand the struggles of being a parent. I have been in the above position (inconsistency) and know that it is draining on a persons mental well-being.

I wasn't always the hard-ass parent I am now. When I had my first child they were a dream. They slept well, ate well, was always happy when they woke. A generally pleasant little person to have in my world. Until they hit around three and a half years. Then they turned my world upside down. Suddenly they were into everything all at once and I didn't have enough eyes in the back of my head to deal with it all.

I couldn't go to the toilet without something bad happening while I was gone. It was the same with having a shower, talking on the phone, hanging out the washing. Every time I turned my back they were into something they shouldn't be into and they were so clever. A little Houdini.

Restaurant etiquette

Taking your children to a restaurant is a good thing to do to teach them how to behave in front of other people and at special places. It is better to do this from when they're little so that by the time they're older they know how to behave and act in public. Doesn't have to be a fancy pricey place either. A family friendly place is perfect.

That being said, when you go to a restaurant you MUST ensure your children behave in a suitable manner.

Here are some examples of non suitable behavior.

At a family friendly restaurant there was a children's party happening up the back of the restaurant. As soon as we sat down we could see that even though the party was at the back of the restaurant the children from that party had taken over the place. They were running up and down the restaurant, in between tables and around other patrons while the adults and staff didn't nothing. One child nearly ran into me and I sternly told him he needs to walk inside the restaurant. Some moments later one of the children at the party realised that if he sucked air in through the straw they'd all been given with their drinks it made a high pitched whistling sound. So all the children start tooting on their straws which was seriously irritating, high pitched and loud and one child asks his mum, "Is this a whistle?" to which I stood up and yelled across the restaurant, "No it's not!" Finally parents and staff get a backbone and begin ordering the children to sit down and behave.

Teach children something new - daily

Our job as parents is to raise 'adults'. We're bringing up children but we are creating adults and we need to create decent adults. Adults who understand their job is to be respectful to others, use manners, not be self-indulgent and self-serving. Not entitled adults that think the world owes them a decent living. Not aggressive twats who think king hitting people is acceptable.
We need to raise decent human beings who go out in the word and be awesome because you showed them how or gave them good stepping stones to follow.

A good way to do this is to teach your children something (age appropriate) each and every day. It could be: how to organise their toys, how to organise their clothes, how to bake a cake, how to make a bed, how to prune a plant, what weeds look like and how to remove them, how to work out maths, how to read, how to draw, how to grate a carrot, light a match to turn on the gas stove or light a candle for you, how to fix a bike or a flat tire, how to fix a broken power cord, where the dust pan and brush is, how to clean up after themselves, how to be responsible for their actions and words, what being respectful looks like.

I'm sure there are many, many skills and talents you have that you can pass onto you children - one new thing each day.

When I say age appropriate keep in mind many children are more capable than we give them credit for. Children as young as 10 are more than capable of baking a cake from start to finish. A three year old is more than capable of tidying up their room.

What happens when spoiled children grow up

It just so happens I knew a few spoiled children growing up and some I still know to this day. And let me tell you their personalities SUCK!

They are horrible self-indulgent me me adults and it's all because their parents never set rules, disciplined  them or taught them respect for others. The only person they care about is THEM.

Their childhood was about them ruling their roost. They called the shots either by tantrums, nagging, begging, pleading or out right rudeness and rebellion. They wore their (soft) parents down with gigantic tantrums because they were told No until finally the parent changed their mind and gave them what they wanted. They learned THEY are the boss and their parents are their slaves, put on this earth merely to provide them with everything they want - whether it's good for them or otherwise.

Finnsih your food

After the war and people having little or no food it became the norm to insight we finish everything on our plate because who knew when the next meal would come. These days in the time of plenty, food scarcity isn't an issue, yet people still insist on children eating all of their food. Now, of course, there is debate that this causes children to learn to over eat which can lead to obesity (but personally I think there is a whole different cause to obesity).

People forget the point of food is nutrients, to nourish and feed our bodies. Putting the right energy in is very important for muscles, bones and brain development.

Of course it won't surprise you that I am old school when it comes to serving a meal and having my children finish what is on their plate. Not because I'm from old war times, still living under the notion of food scarcity, but because food gives us important and necessary nutrients (I'm not talking about junk - obviously). Also, because we pay good money for fruit and vegetables and other foods and I don't like to waste food or money.

When it comes to eating I have some very serious rules that I believe are necessary when it comes to raising healthy human beings. We may no longer be in war times, struggling to find morsels to eat. Instead we live in a time of abundance where people are now taking food for granted. It still costs money to produce, make, buy and throw away. Children need to learn the importance of not being wasteful.

It's bloody bedtime!

Went to a friends house for a girls night which turned into a girls and kids night because she wasn't able to get her children to stay in bed. They kept getting up and coming out of their room, over to us and pinching the nibbles we had out for us adults. Again and again she would tell them they couldn't eat the food but they kept pinching the food safe in the knowledge that mum wasn't going to do much about it. By 9pm I was feeling pretty tense and not enjoying the 'girls night' much.

Even with our red wine in hand I still couldn't relax with these children repeatedly coming out of their room and crashing our party.

In the end I asked her if I can try something, and with her permission I went into the children's bedroom, tucked them in bed, asked them what their favourite toy was (they said their teddies) and let them know if  they came out again I would take their teddies away. Within moments of leaving the room the eldest one came out and I promptly told him to get back in bed and took his favourite teddy away. He was upset and I wondered if we'd see an adverse reaction as can happen when a child first encounters someone who stands up to them. I told him he had to remain in bed for the rest of the night and then he'd get his teddy back.

Both children remained in bed and we got on with enjoying our girls night.

Give your children jobs to do - its good for them

Another thing I've seen parents struggle with is getting help around the house because they're doing it ALL by themselves. They're rushing around picking up after their children, cleaning the bathroom and toilet, doing all the dishes, the cooking.... EVERYTHING!

Your child is big enough to put their own plate in the sink, to wipe their table down, to pick their clothes up and put them in the wash. You're not their slave! Stop treating yourself like you are and stop letting them expect that from you!!!!

Believe it or not but children love responsibility and respond well to it, especially if you start them young. You'll often see a 3 year old for example wanting to 'do the dishes' because they watch their parents do it and somehow we make it look fun (go figure ;) Or they're want to try and sweep or fold washing or help in other ways.

Age appropriate jobs give your children a sense of contributing to the family. Sure they may reach teenage-hood and be all rebellious and not want to clean, however, if you've instilled this sense of responsibility in them from day dot they'll at least appreciate it has to be done.

Overweight children... is abuse

Ok... I didn't create that meme.  Nonetheless I often wonder why obesity is not against some type of law...?

If a parent starves their child this is considered child abuse - because it is damaging and harmful and can lead to death.

Yet when a parent overfeeds their child - also damaging and harmful and can lead to dozens of problems (such as being bullied and early death via health related issues) - this is not considered child abuse?

If we beat our children it's considered abuse because it is harmful and has long lasting detrimental effects on a person.  We cannot give our children cigarettes to smoke or alcohol to drink.  We cannot give them recreational drugs and even prescription drugs can be a problem.

Yet parents can overfeed their children to the point of obesity and this is NOT considered child abuse.

Why is that?

Is it because the blame is put on companies for creating the unhealthy foods?  In which case why is it not against the law for companies to create such unhealthy foods?  (Same reason why tobacco and alcohol companies are allowed to thrive... taxes & money).

Is it because of the so called 'fat gene' and parents using this as an excuse for the fact that they and their child/ren are overweight.

Is it because children don't immediately die from their obesity and health related issues?  Would it be considered abuse if children died from obesity before reaching adulthood?

Why is obesity not considered child abuse?

What do you think?  Should obesity be considered some type of abuse towards children?  Should their be laws to govern this issue or not?

You don't love me!

Those with more than one child will be aware of the power struggles and differences between their personalities. You'll have the older one who is bossy and likes to help control and discipline the other siblings; you'll have the middle one who feels like they're a no body because the older one is important and the little one(s) is loved more; you'll have the little one who is adored because they're the youngest, cutest and littlest and the last, they're usually uber cheeky and think they're going to get away with everything... (Oh I just described my family dynamic)

Which brings me to my point.  A couple of months ago my middle child told me they feel unloved, that they get in the most trouble, that I let the youngest one get away with murder, and a bunch of other woes. They and I have had a volatile past caused by friction between my partner and I which flowed onto the rest of the family. It took all my self control not to completely downplay and renounce the claims as utterly bogus. Yet I knew if I did that he'd feel worse. I knew I needed to repair our relationship and I needed to do it NOW! So I gave them a hug, told them I'm sorry that they feel that way and set about changing their perception on their position within the family.

How?

Good cop bad cop

I won't pretend to be the perfect person with the perfect life. Keeping it real is important, I believe, in helping other parents realise they're not alone and yet there is still away to reach a place of less stress and happy families.

One thing I've struggled within my family unit is the good cop bad cop routine. My partner likes to be the good guy, the one the kids love more. My partner likes to buy their love with random toys, gifts, junk food and forgoing standard rules. When it comes to us being on the same page regarding parenting it has been a long hard battle and years in the making getting us to agree on certain points.

This was exacerbated by the fact that this way of parenting with the children only started when the middle child was born (and my partner seemed to favour him), so we had an older child who was good and respectful after parenting a specific (my) way for years... only to have a toddler who, to be honest, drove me up the wall with his notion that they were the most important person in the house, and everyone else go jump.

The wile parent never forgets

Wile = devious or cunning stratagems employed in manipulating or persuading someone to do what one wants.

I'll tell you straight up ^ THIS ^ is my go to technique when wanting my children to do something I want them to do but they don't want to do.

This includes things like put their toys away, do their chores, eat their beans, be nice to each other.

Let me give you some examples. If one child doesn't eat all their dinner because 'they're full', 'they don't like beans', 'they're not hungry'... I WILL remember that and hold it to them later on when they want dessert or a snack. I'll say to them, "You can't have a snack, you're too full remember:" This lets them realise they need to finish their meals and eat those beans, like it or not, because it's good for them. That being said don't feed children a whopping plate and expect them to eat it all, that forms bad eating habits. You'll know what your child is able to manage.

About the author

I have been minding children professionally since I was 13 and a foster care parent for a number of years. I have no fancy degrees saying I'm qualified to give parenting advice. My qualifications come from years and years (decades) of real life experience in getting children to behave and be well mannered. I am a mother of three and my children, whilst they have their days, are very well behaved, have good manners, respect for their parents and other adults and are generally awesome people.

It is my desire for other parents to have that too, especially those struggling with getting their children to do what they're told. The hardest thing for me as a parent is watching other parents struggle with everyday issues with no-one to turn to for real help and advice.

I'm a no nonsense, tell it like it is kind of person and I guarantee you're not always going to like what I have to say, in fact I'm sure many of my views will be seen as extreme and over the top to many... yet my methods work and work well which is why my children are well behaved.

I will share good stories and bad stories with you so you'll see that it's not always rainbows and sunshine. Children have their own personalities and sometimes people butt heads and that is normal, yet at the end of the day I am confident knowing they're going to grow up to be great parents themselves.

Note: it is important to have well behaved children yes. It is equally important to have happy healthy children who love and adore their parents well into adulthood. This blog will not be about alienating yourself from your children via extreme punishments or abuse (verbal or otherwise). It's about getting you (the parent) to a place where you have piece of mind and time to actually sit down and enjoy a cup of tea (wine, beer, what ever) in a nice quiet place knowing all is well and you've done a job well done.