Don't include your children in adult dramas

Do you fight in front of your children? Do you and your partner hit each other, or one hits the other in front of your children? Do you have screaming matches in front of your children? Do you put each other down and get your children to take sides?

The point of being a parent is to raise adults! To show your children how to be a respectable and decent adult when they grow up.

Experts say adults should never argue in front of children but I think it really depends. If you can have a civil conversation with someone about something you disagree on then this would teach children, who may be watching, that this is how discussions and resolutions are had.

If you cannot discuss without it blowing up into a bad fight then yes, you should not argue in front of children.

If you raise your children in a drama filled boxing match they'll most likely grow up following in those footsteps.

When it comes to relationships you want to teach your children what a good relationship looks like and what to do if a relationship is bad. You want to teach them self respect and respect for others. It is important to have conversations with them about being and adult and how relationships work... without involving them in he said/she said BS.

To give an example:

ADD. Really?

ADD = Adults Doing Disservice

Are you doing your children a disservice? Are they unruly because you won't or don't discipline them?

This is not an article for those who actually have children with ADD although it is misdiagnosed to a massive extent in Australia and other countries where packaged food is on the menu.

This is a story for those really slack parents who use ADD as an excuse for their poor parenting and therefore their child's pore behavior.

I've met a number of children whom I see getting away with so much around their parents. Those same children are usually angels around other people who stand their ground and discipline well. The parents of those children have gone to doctor after doctor trying to find out why their children aren't well behaved. And many of the children have ended up on ADD medication as a result.

This is heartbreaking to see. Doped up children who would otherwise be considered normal IF ONLY their parents knew how to discipline.

Before you send your child off to get ADD diagnosis and medication ask yourself some serious questions and be honest with you answers.

• Do you have other children who are also badly behaved?
• Are you consistent or lax with your discipline?
• Do you ask your child to follow other people's rules? Or do you ignore your children if they're breaking other people's rules?
• Do your children behave well for others, especially when you're not around?
• Do your close friends and family agree with your diagnoses or do they know you're just not being strict enough?
• Are your family and friends able to be open and honest with you and have you listen?

In each of the cases I've seen, all the other children in the family were also poorly behaved for the mother, while being well behaved and listening to other adults when the mother was not around.  Though they had attitude towards others being firm with them since they're use to getting away with so much. Family, friends and specialists did not agree the child had ADD, however, most were too chicken to speak up and say so.

Don't be a parent with ADD (Adults Doing Disservice) accusing your child of having a condition they don't have... 

Maybe you're the one with the condition and need professional help.

Purpose or pleasure?

According to studies on happiness: happiness generally falls into two categories, purpose or pleasure.  Spending time with children either gives us purpose or pleasure, with the majority of us feeling that parenting is purposeful and not pleasurable.

I'm one of the rare ones where spending time with my children gives me more pleasure than purpose, though of course purpose is always relevant.

I genuinely enjoy the company of my children. I talk with them and interact with them and like to get to know them. Like having new friends you learn more about them with each interaction. Plus, children change and develop as they grow up so there is always something new to learn about them.

I have other parents who ask me questions like: do you find the teen years stressful? Do you experience operational defiance? How do you deal with moody teens, tantrums, not eating dinner, not doing what they're told etc.?

For the most part I don't have these issues with my children because I taught them when they were young what I do and don't expect from them and also what they can and cannot expect from me. I will not berate my children, I will not bully or insult them, I will not beat or belt them, I will not discourage them or teach them negative self beliefs. I will teach them their strengths, to feel positive about themselves, to know they can, to be positive contributors to our society, to be the best they can be.

I lead by example. I cannot hit my children then say "Don't hit your siblings." I cannot yell at my children then say "Talk to me with respect." I treat them how I want to be treated and I teach them how to treat me.

This in turn means our interactions are pleasant for the most part and at the very least, respectful.

Recently someone asked me how I knew how to do this? Did I read books? Did I watch videos, do parenting classes, have instruction. A fair bit of it came from my own parents who were very good at demanding respect, some came from conversations and bits of information I've picked up over the years, however, most of it came from common sense. If I want to be treated a certain way I must teach my children about that, and also I shouldn't do anything to them I wouldn't want done to me.

I remember what it was like growing up. The good parts and bad parts. I learned all about respect from my parents, and I also learned that I disliked being hit and called names, or being ignored and largely unheard. When raising my own family, I wanted better for my children. I wanted to be their ally, be there for them during easy and tough times. I wanted to be a fun parent and to make my children's lives pleasurable. This in turn made my life pleasurable. 

Are you struggling with interactions with your children? 

You can ask me questions and I'll happily answer to the best of my ability.

Teach your children to be tolerant and understanding

There was a boy at my children's school who was scrawny and weedy and grotty and annoying.

His dad was tall and thin as a bean pole, his mum was squat and obese. Both unattractive and dressed daggy. They gave the impression of not having a lot of money and their son's clothes were often dirty looking and he often went without food.

My children told me this boy is picked on and teased and doesn't have many (if any) friends.

I talked to my children about this boy saying: he doesn't get to choose who his parents are, what they look like, how much money the have or don't have, what type of people they are. If his parents are neglectful he cannot go off and choose different parents. He's stuck with them. Since he's only a small child he cannot influence them either, can't recommend his mum take care of herself better or learn to love herself so she has no need to self medicate through food. Cannot make his parents become wealthy. Cannot make his parents wash his clothes more regularly or give him adequate food for school.

Nope. 

The talk

Had to have the talk with one of my children recently. I'm not talking about the birds and bees talk. I'm talking about real vs fake friends.

One of my children has struggled to make friends and recently made friends with two brothers. Those brothers already had a group of friends they call their gang. The trouble is this gang haven't embraced my child and treat him badly, and the brothers don't seem to do much about it by way of standing up for my child.

Kind of made me wonder if my child is a patsy, someone they let into the group for others to pick on?

I met the parents of the boys and the dad was talking about how he doesn't like one of the other children from the group because he's a bad apple.

Ironically, his kids are allowed to play 15+ shoot up kill 'em games (at age 10), listen to revolting hip hop/rap music with crass lyrics and words like 'mother f**ker', help themselves to whatever junk food is in the pantry, eat said junk food in copious amounts, leave rubbish everywhere, they ride their bikes like maniacs harassing pedestrians and nearly getting hit by cars because no one has taught them road rules and road safety, they swear like troopers. The mother is apparently home but rarely seen; she's off somewhere neglecting her boys...  And their friend is the bad apple!