Favouritism

I've got a couple of stories related to this subject that I want to share with you.

1) 
I babysat for a woman who had two sons who were only a couple of years apart. Super cute, super well behaved boys. No problem to look after at all. Before leaving to go on her outing she would sit with the youngest son, tuck him in and talk with him for a while. The older boy would call to her from his room asking her to come and tuck him in too. And she wouldn't!!!!

One day I asked her why she never tucks in the older son and only tucks in the younger son. Her excuse was the older son looked like her and was good looking and would have no lack of attention in his life, while the younger son resembled they father and needed all the attention he could get.

It really is the most stupid thing I've ever heard! A lousy excuse for literally ignoring one child while outwardly and openly favouring the other. I spoke up and stated that I feel it's not a good idea to ignore the older boy this way. Not sure whether she took that in?

While I minded these boys for some years I never got to see them grow and can only speculate as to the type of effect these early years had on them.

5 basic house rules

1) If you find it closed, close it when you're finished. Especially close tapping doors!

2) If you drop it pick it up. If you see something on the ground that doesn't belong there pick it up. 

3) If you get it out put it away when you're finished.

4) If you're the last to leave the room turn the light off.

5) Clear your place at the table, wipe your spot down, rinse your plate and stack it.

If you get your children to follow these, or other rules it will help make your life a little bit easier :-)

Be the parent you want them to be

Your children will grow up to emulate you. It is fairly inevitable (though not always).

Both my parents feared speaking up for themselves growing up. They were raised in households where to speak your mind meant punishment (often severe). They were afraid of the consequences any time they spoke up, and as adults they rarely spoke their mind when others offended them (and even regarding feeling nice about people).

One of my parents learned to use words as a weapon, a way to get the message across that they were hurt. The other quietly thought about how best to react, while coming across as frowning, brooding and angry. Both found it hard to forgive those that hurt them because they never learned how to talk it through with others. Even on a rare occasion of talking it through with people, they both didn't believe the people's stories and believed the act to be deliberately hurtful. Thus unforgivable. So the brooded quietly and passively ghosted people.

This is a reoccurring theme in our family. Although I have to say, even as someone who has since learned to speak up, it has not resolved our family legacy. You'll have more success if you are speaking with others who have also learned how to communicate their feelings in a non combative manner.

A day in the life of being a mum

I’d always prided myself on being a good parent. Of being the kind of parent who knows what I want from my children and knows how to achieve these goals. Then along comes one child who makes me doubt and question myself and my parenting skills (or perhaps lack thereof).

When I have a shower or get dressed I bring my toddler into the bathroom with me. A) to keep them away from big sibling who likes to antagonise baby sibling when no-one is there to stop them. B) it keeps age my toddler out of trouble; I know they're not in the knife draw or tipping out my glitter while no-one is there to stop them (yes this has happened).

This particular time my other child says they want to come in too, saying they're going to behave. 

All is fine for a little while. 

Don't leave teens alone

Not if you play your cards right.

It's self explanatory, still let me explain.

As parents it is tempting to ignore your children for hours on end. Maybe there is some dinner party you're getting ready for and it will take hours of your time. Maybe you're watching the footy. Maybe you're binge watching a tele series. Maybe you're in desperate need of an electronic babysitter.

We've all been there, multiple times.

Anyone with teens will also know they spend an exorbitant amount of time alone in their bedroom. Sometimes locking themselves in their rooms. Often being testy if you dare enter their lair. "Get out!" How often have you heard that? Or the infamous groan... like you're interrupting some uber important life moment.

It can be tempting to set and forget and barely or rarely spend anytime with them, barely have conversations with your teen. Yet teens go through so many ups and downs and hard to navigate moments.

Do I ask that person out? Do they like me? How will I know? Why do I feel so moody? Why do my joints ache all the time? How do I get rid of these pimples? 

Sydney parents face court over vegan diet which left baby 'malno

Sydney parents face court over vegan diet which left baby 'malnourished'

"She said her daughter would generally have one cup of oats with rice milk and half a banana in the morning, and a piece of toast with jam or peanut butter for lunch.

For dinner, she said her daughter would be offered tofu, rice or potatoes. But she said the girl was a fussy eater so she might just have oats again."

The headline of this story makes out veganism is the cause of the malnutrician, however when you look into it more deeply you realise there are a number of other issues at play.

For starters the girls food intake is all white. Where's the fruit; apples, oranges, strawberries, blueberries etc.? Where are the vegetables; cucumber, carrots, beans, peas, cauliflower, broccoli? Where are all the colourful foods that bring vitamins and minerals to the table?

It is not being vegan that made this girl sick it's the lack or variety in her diet.

When I broke my arm

Personal story.

When I was  little girl around 5 or 6, I broke my arm. I remember trying to climb up a bunk bed and my brother who was on the top bunk took my hands off the ladder. I fell backwards and banged my arm on my dad's drum kit breaking my ulna (forearm bone).

At least that's what I remember, although I know some childhood memories can be mistaken and mis-remembered. Why my younger brother would do that I don't know? Why my dad had his drum kit in our bedroom I don't know?

What I do remember quite clearly though, is going to the hospital to have my arm fixed. There were x-rays taken, plaster and bandages. And most of all the smiling friendly sweet nurse. She was young and kind and nice and I remember at that tender age... wishing I could go home with her instead of my mum.

My mum was there being her usual bossy self, telling me off, quietly under her breath, for this mild slight or that, always so hyper vigilant to any small thing that might embarrass her in public, always maintaining that I be stoic and keep a stiff upper lip. Not wanting me to cry or complain or show any sign of pain. All the while the nurse was friendly and smiling and lovely.

Isn't it interesting, though, to know at that age that I didn't want to go home and live with my family. Instead I wanted this kind nurse to let me go home with her because, in that short amount of time I was with her, she showed me more caring and warmth and thoughtfulness about my feelings, than my mum had shown me in the 5 or 6 years I'd been with her.

1 bedtime routine that doesn't work: here's why...

Visited some friends for a karaoke night. There were drinks and nibbles and laughter and children having fun along with the adults.

The hosts had a little girl there, age 1.5yrs. Come 7pm, she's still up. Come 8pm she's still up.

One of the other parents with children her age asked, "What time does your daughter normally go to bed?" I could tell he was feeling as agitated about it as I was. The mother mumbled some brush off answer and he and I gave each other a look. Later (out of earshot from the mother; didn't want her feeling bad or judged) I told him it's nice to meet another parent who believes children should be in bed early.

For me... I was concerned about the little girl. She was so tired. Her eyes were droopy, she wasn't smiling and having fun, she just looked exhausted. There was far too much going on for her to sleep so she walked around trying to stay mobile and awake.

To my amazement she didn't turn into a hyper child, going all silly the way my children do when they're trying to keep themselves awake. They start jumping and being silly deliberately trying to keep their bodies moving so they don't fall asleep. When it comes time to put them in bed they're so wired they struggle to sleep. Which is exactly the reason I rarely keep my children up late. It's too stressful on them and for us parents.

Finally, at around 11pm the mum says she's going to put her little girl to bed and never returns. I realised that the mother keeps the child up until she (the mother) is ready for bed and they sleep in the same (marital) together. I'm all for co-sleeping. It is wonderful sleeping beside a baby/toddler/child. They grow out of wanting to sleep in the parents bed too quick, nice to cherish it before it ends.

Now, essentially this is working for them as parents in that it's their routine, it's what they do. They keep the little girl up until the mother is ready for bed and the little girl is then put to sleep beside the mother. For whatever reason they've decided this is how they want to operate.

Yet here's a few issues with this scenario.

Are you raising a sociopath?

It's an odd question because how would you know, right? You might think there's something wrong with your child and there isn't. Or you might think your child is fine and they're not.

let me give you a scenario that might help you understand the title a little bit better.

We had friends come and stay with us for over a week and it didn't take long before I was feeling agitated by their children's' lack of discipline. Having them stay was a horror story of epic proportions!

Aside from the fact that her children are ridiculously messy and aren't made to clean up after themselves (that's the dad's or the host's (us) job according to the mother), are rude and obnoxious to adults, don't finish meals then help themselves to more food and drink, talk back to their parents, hit and hurt other children to the point of physical harm in some cases, sometimes hit and hurt their mum, have jealous outbursts, damage other people's property, gloat if they get my children in trouble, stay up late (when I'm over them by noon... lol), don't respect other adults enough to stop when they're asked to stop...  The kind of children who say "You're not my boss" if you reprimand them.

One child liked to kill critters and animals!

Here's how it went down.

I am the boss

My childhood wasn't a pleasant one. I don't think many of us have had really great childhoods. There is always some hardship or another such as divorce, poverty, abuse, neglect, being spoiled, getting too much, dealing with weight, bullying etc., with some people's hardships being worst than others.

Still I don't begrudge my childhood. It taught me resilience and a very BIG and important thing which is: as a parent I am the BOSS!!!! No ifs, buts, or otherwise.

My parents were hard and at times mean and brutal with their discipline and words. From them I learned a number of things I promised I would NOT do to my children (most of which I managed to avoid doing) and I also learned how I did want to parent. Even though my parents were strict with their discipline and I've had friends tell me they feel sorry for me because of my upbringing (Some of those people are now struggling with their own children), I feel blessed that I learned how to stand my ground with my children. They will never walk all over me!

I see other women struggling with their children, having no clue how to get their children to behave, giving idle threats, using time-out incorrectly, complaining that their children won't sleep in their own beds, complaining that they can't get their children into to bed early, some parents even keeping their young toddlers up till 11pm until the child finally passes out, other parents not being able to get their children to eat well, some too afraid or embarrassed to have the birds and bees talk, some parents who are unable to cook let alone feed their children well...

And I feel blessed that my parents taught me the skills to deal with these issues and more.

I am a good boss because I am a leader. I am not perfect. My children are not perfect. We have bad moments and good times. For the most part I feel blessed to have the children I have and blessed to be a parent. It was something I had wanted for myself and I'm so glad I'm doing as good a job as I'd always hoped and believed I would.

How bout you? Did you get to learn these invaluable lessons from your upbringing? Are you the boss?  Are you a good boss? Feel free to share some things you've learned.

5 DON'TS for dating with children

Are you a single parent looking for love? How have you gone about it so far? If its not going well for you ask yourself if you've made these common mistakes.

1) Introducing your children too soon.
You like him, you think he's great, however, you haven't known him long enough to know whether he wants children let alone likes them, let alone likes a whole brood of them! One mother had a brood of children and they all lived in a caravan. For whatever reason, she thought it would be a good idea to bring her date back to the caravan and have the kids jumping and crawly all over him, on their first date. Needless to say he never went back for more.

2) Your children lack discipline and are badly behaved.
This reflects bad on you because it means your parenting skills are lacking. Maybe the potential new partner might be a good sort and help sort your children out... however, most parents can't stand someone new coming along and telling them they're not doing it right. They resent the intervention and see it as an insult. Or they swing the other way and let some ogre of a person into their children's lives to lord over them like an angry, unforgiving God.

3) You have multiple children to different parents.
Like it or not, a lady who has many children to different fathers is not viewed very highly, and it's similar for men in the same position. Regardless of the standard judgments and opinions, I view it as this: what are you doing that makes these partners not want to stay? The possibility of dating people who can't hold onto partners and who aren't realising the errors of their ways is not appealing. Are you too clingy? Too possessive? Too full on too soon? Too jealous? Are you having babies with people because you think it will force them to stay?

4) Favouring your children above others.
I knew a woman guilty of this. She had a spoiled child who never had any serious consequences for her poor behavior, yet she hammered her partner about his children's behavior. Quite judgmental and lacking in understanding as to what they were going through (new divorce, new girl friend, unruly child moved in), and with even less interest. Everyone was angry and full of resentment. This could have been avoided if the man had told her she needs to focus on her own child and leave his children alone.

5) You don't pay for or care about the children you already have.
I knew a man who complained all the time about how much money came out of his pay to go towards his children. Of course he said it went to his bitch of an ex wife (unappealing to hear a man speak about another woman this way). You contributed to the making of those children. You also contributed to the breakdown of your relationship, whether you're honest with yourself about that or not. It's not the bitch ex wife's (husband's) fault you have children you have to take care of. How do you think any potential partner is going to view someone who doesn't take care of their children's well-being?

Are you guilty of any of these? Any other mistakes that could be added to the list?

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)

I have a friend who says her son has ODD and maybe he does. He certainly is oppositional and defiant! He's rude and hard to be around.

One way she has tackled the issue is by restricting his chemical and additive intake. There is an app called Fedup which lists food additives and their reactions and effects on the human body and mind. For e.g. the butter on movie cinema popcorn isn't really butter, it's just a flavored substance that causes drowsiness and fatigue. So if you and your children are tired and irritable after a movie that's most likely the reason why.

She has researched high and low for foods her son is allowed to eat and made this the whole families regular way of eating. Her son has gotten use to knowing what he can and cannot eat and is accepting of it for the most part, although he does want and sometimes eats foods that don't agree with him.

I have seen him first hand have meltdowns and I do notice the difference when he's on the restricted food intake vs eating additive filled foods.

I've also seen him get away with murder (literally) so I know his defiance isn't just about ODD or additives. When he acts out or hurts other children (which he does a lot for what ever psychological reasons are going on within him) his parents do so little. There is rarely any serious consequence to any given action.

I'll give you some examples.

Play with your children

Lego city

We forget that our children are people, with minds and thoughts of their own. They feel lonely too and want to interact with others, just like we do.

Spend time with them, find out about and take an interest in what they like to do. I don't particularly like playing Lego with my children, it's kind of tedious to me, however, my children enjoy it and I like to watch them play.

They'll ask if I want to join them, or sometimes I'll come in and play of my own accord, while also putting neglected bits of Lego away (you can take the mother out of the tidy-upperer but you can't take the tidy-uperer out of the mum).

My child and I worked on a Lego botanical gardens (see pic) with flowers and trees, lamps and seats, slides and climbing things. Plus a pavilion for people to enjoy the shade and picnic.

Parenting with fear

Are your children afraid of you? Do they duck if you wave a hand anywhere near them?

When I was a little girl I was always ducking as I passed my parents (my mum in particular) because I was always afraid I was going to get hit. The irony is my mum would hit me anyway and say, "If you're ducking you must have done something wrong."

Talk about an un-winable situation!

I grew up afraid of my mum, always ducking and flinching, always waiting for the next hit. Always knowing it will come and never knowing when or for what reason.

Fitness parents vs unfit parents

I was at a fitness center the other day and heard other parents talking about what they DON'T give their children.

Things like soft drink, lollies, junk food, chips. These mums and dads were very health food conscious and were raising their children to be the same.

Like me, their children might have those things on occasions like parties a couple of times a year, yet we don't store stuff like that in our house (often). It was refreshing because I don't often meet parents who feel that way about food, the same way I do. Aside from family who were raised the same as me.

Often I meet parents who are gob smacked when they find out I rarely let my children have soft drink.

"You don't give your children soft drink?" they ask, thinking I'm odd. Perhaps I am odd compared to most parents?

The thing is, those parents that do feed their children junk are overweight themselves and not setting a really good example of what's good for them and what isn't.

I am a firm believer that as a parent it is my job to instill a good sense of nutrition in my children. They don't know this stuff and are looking to me to point the way, show them what foods are good and how to prepare them. Cooking is an essential part of raising children.

It is your job to make sure your children have the best (healthiest) adult life they can. You don't want to give them diabetes, clog their arteries, give them heart attacks and rot their teeth.

If they don't learn it from you, the parent(s), who will teach them?

How about you? Which parenting type best describes you? Fitness parent or unfit parent?

Children need a mediator

That's one of my roles as a parent. I'm like the man in the middle of the boxing ring with a bell, "Ding ding ding, back to your corners."

I watch my children trying to navigate relationships, with parents, with siblings, with cousins, with friends, and I notice how to interact with people is not innate. It doesn't come naturally.

Conflict resolution is especially hard. Even as an adult, in relationships, I've noticed conflict resolution is really tricky and we're not taught that during any stage of our lives.

It is left up to individual parents/guardians to teach children and if the adult doing the teaching doesn't have the skill to teach a child... then what hope does the child have?

And children catch you out if you live your life telling them to do one thing while you do the opposite.  For example, yelling while telling them not to yell.

Here is a situation where I had to give my children some direction when it came to them navigating their relationship together.

I had made them a treat and let one of them lick the bowl while I cleaned up. Usually they get to lick something each, though on this occasion only one was present and helping me. Licking the bowl was a reward.

Another sibling came out later, saw the other sibling licking the bowl and told them off for it, using a disrespectful, bossy tone: claiming they shouldn't be literally licking the bowl; face in the bowl and all.

I mentioned that it's my job to do the telling, unless it's a strict rule we should all be adhering to such as keep our hands to ourselves. Licking the bowl in not breaking any rules and I'm right there, if I have an issue I'll say something.

I tell my children all the time, "It's your job to be friends with each other, support each other and have each other's backs, while I do the bossing."

This is a simple story where nothing much was going on, still it was a teachable moment in that they learned a little about how to treat each other nicely and respectfully.

If I hadn't been there mediating, the child doing the bossing my have become righteous, while the other became rebellious. Next minute all hell breaks loose! Instead, I gave the one doing the bossing something to think about.

Do you teach your children to navigate relationships and if so what do you do?