Ask your children to work together

My children squabble, bicker, antagonise, fight, push, shove. It's as though when they're in the near vicinity of each other they have to disagree about something.

Stopping children from fighting is tricky. I've been trying all heir lives!

Strategies that work sometimes are mediating, talking to each child about how they're feeling and things that are going on in their world; in front of siblings, giving them chores. I also talk about how we parents aren't pushing and shoving and hitting each other. I tell them sometimes I'm sure we almost feel tempted to punch or slap or say something nasty but we're adults, we don't argue that way. It's not the done thing. It is the same with siblings and school and friendships and relationships and the work force. Hitting doesn't really sort out much of anything. Communicating works best.

One thing I tried recently was asking them to work on dinner together. I was too unwell to cook and I asked the children to do the honours. Telling them they had to work together, giving them the recipe and telling them to work out who was doing what. The minute they starting running through the menu there was nit-picking, which turned into more. I had to get up and intervene. Reminding them that if they were in a work force or some such situation they'd had to be able to do this without fighting.

One child cracked the frustrations and sauntered off. The dinner was cooked without them and we all ate.

Not a raging success.

Sorry

I actually dislike the word sorry because most people who say it don't really mean it.

A cousin of mine at the checkout offers the clerk some change to make up the balance, then get a full note in return instead of more coins. Good idea. Nothing wrong there. Yet as she's picking the coins from her purse she is apologising profusely for being an inconvenience to the clerk.

Why on earth is she apologising? This is nothing to be sorry about!

NOTE: experts claim that saying sorry all the time denotes a person's belief they are not worthy of being on this earth. I can attest to this. The cousin in question is extremely insecure.

An example of someone saying sorry and not really meaning it would be an abusive partner who hits you, apologises, then does it again. If they were really, truly sorry they wouldn't do it again. What they're really apologising for is their inability to control their temper. Not that they feel so bad they won't do it again. They're saying 'I'm really a shit person who can't control my temper' and that is all their sorry means.

Sorry means you understand the hurt you caused and you feel so bad for doing it that you won't do it again. At all... ever! Sorry doesn't mean you'll do it again because you can't help yourself. That is NOT sorry. That is an excuse. Like saying sorry just because you think you should and not necessarily because you really feel remorse and understand the consequences of your actions.

Truly sorry in a situation like abuse would mean getting out of a relationship because you can't be in one without hurting somebody and seeking the necessary help to better yourself. That is genuine sorry.

Doing an action over and over again and apologising each time is not sorry.

When my partner and I have disagreements, he'll often tell me I never say sorry. That is because I re-frame it. I will say, I hear what you're saying, I understand how you feel, that it was upsetting and I won't do it again... and I don't do it again.

I'm the same with my children. I called my child an idiot out of anger, said I regret saying it, said I don't really feel that way and won't do it again. And I never did!

To me that is a more genuine apology than just saying the word sorry.

Give them a reason to leave their room

Is your teen/child spending tones of time in their bedroom hunched over a computer screen?

I'm sure I described just about every child almost everywhere? If this isn't you, what's your secret?

This is my children right now. On their devices for checking in, checking emails, school work, home work, chat with friends, listening to music, playing games. I wonder if it's called de'vice for a reason (vice = immoral or whicked. I'd also add addiction)?

It can be almost impossible to get teens in particular out of their rooms. They grumble about wanting to be left alone.

Previously I wrote about talking with teens, how to have those conversations. What if your teen won't leave their room? Well, they have to leave some times to go to the toilet, shower, eat, put clothes in the wash.

My child recently came out of their room to eat dinner. Perfect time to pounce, and by pounce I mean slink in like a smooth black cat. The conversation needs to be pleasant and engaging. Something my child won't dislike and run away from. I've talked about clashes between parenting styles. Here's an example of what that looks like and why you should avoid it.

My partner comes over to our child, agitated by some bad news the child received from school, expressing that agitation verbally. The child and I have already talked, amicably, and sorted it out. Now we're tense and my partner is grumbling.

Another child comes out to have lunch and my partner asks them if they logging in on time, keeping up with school work, any outstanding assignments; checking the child is on top of things. The child is not keen on talking about school, they're on a break. The child gives shorts answers and my partner digs for more. The child runs back into the bedroom to escape that line of questioning.

My partner is interrupting the children while they're doing school work to complain about something that hasn't been done in a tone that sounds like badgering the witness (they'd make a good lawyer). I shoo my partner away, advising that we raise these issues when the children are free.

When my child comes out of the room to eat dinner I ask, what they've been up to. Making something out of cardboard. I engage in that topic and they show me their work and we talked about it. The topic of school will also come up, in an easy going friendly way. I check if they need anything.

Can you see the difference between the two styles?

One will cause the child to hibernate more while the other engages in a somewhat meaningful conversation, getting to spend time with the child before they run back to their room to hibernate some more.

Which is more your parenting style?

My door is always open

I had a boss who said this to me and she was always approachable.  Always with a caring word, kind shoulder.  The type of boss you miss and think of from time to time.

My parenting was in it's early years when I met her and we had the same motto.  I was like this with my first child.   "You can tell me anything".

There have been times I've been confronted by what I'm hearing, still I respond as calmly as possible.  For example one of my children talked about a boy at school who was picked on and how they had joined in.  I had outright said I'm not happy to hear that.  We talked about how it would feel to be on the receiving end of that situation and how important it is to stand up for others who are in need or help.

Another child showed me an inappropriate note a young girl in class had shared.  We discussed her background and what lead to her behavior.

I have one child who is tricky to get to know.  It is hard because they keeps to themselves a lot and it's hard to help people who withdraw.  I have to find new and creative, yet not intrusive, ways to interact with them and find out how they're going.

They dislike my fussing and tell me to stop caring, when unwell and I was checking their temp, making sure they had water, checking to see if they wanted pain relief, or food.  I told my child "It's my job to care".  This is how I explain my role to my children.  It's my job.  My role in their life is to guide, help and be there for them.

I have wanted to lash out at my children from time to time and it's not as though I never loose my temper. I hold back because I want to remain approachable and there for them.

If we react with negativity, anger, disapproval, to our children they will withdraw, let us very little and not let us into their world. I want to be in my children's lives, knowing what they're up to, what is going on for them.  Are they sad, happy, frustrated, lonely? 

It's my job to know these things. Which is why my door is always open.

Raising adults

The whole point to parenting is raising children who grow up to be well adjusted adults (or as well adjusted as possible).

Some experts argue no person ever grows up perfectly adjusted and all people have some trauma or issues with their childhood.

I feel this way at times, because try as hard as I might, my children will still tell me things that make me question whether I'm doing a good job or not. For e.g. one child recently told me they're depressed and it's because we (the parents) raised them that way... i.e. being depressed ourselves made our children depressed. I've always believed depression is genetic though the concept of nature vs nurture is not lost on me.

However, the constant that keeps me believing I'm doing ok is how my eldest child has turned out.

Is it possible to stop children viewing porn?

This question has been on my mind since giving birth. Will I be able to protect my children from viewing adult material (along with all the other things I need to protect them from)?

In a world where adult content is getting harder and harder to avoid, it can be a scary concept for many parents. There are billboards and bus signs, lingerie shops with larger than life posters, female nudity in numerous TV shows and movies, music video clips with barely dressed females gyrating around the camera. It seems like every man (woman) and his dog is using sex to sell things to the public.

There are predators lurking in all corners of the internet, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Youtube, chat rooms and online gaming.

I've written about this before, how we're told as parents "If you don't like it don't watch". This puts the onus on parents to police everything instead of government bodies (or whomever) policing companies that allow this type of material to be aired, shown or viewed by children.

I would consider myself to be a very diligent parent. I check ratings and information on movies before viewing them because I want to know if they're violent or contain adult content. Yet I have been shocked by certain movies (rated M) I didn't think would be bad, and accidentally exposed my children to content I didn't know was coming!

Still worse than that, I've recently discovered one of my young children (not even a teen) found (and possibly viewed) adult material.

Teach your children to wash their hands

This might sound obvious (in fact I hear lots of parents on social media boo hissing parenting advice because they think it's common sense and all parents know and abide by the same rules... the truth is some parents have no clue what they're doing).

Take this example for instance:

I had friends come to visit with their children. I'd make a nice lunch for them, usually a plate of spaghetti, and the children would enjoy the meal. Pasta on the table, in their laps, on the floor, on their hands, all around their faces, making them resemble Ronald McDonald. Children seem to get more food everywhere else than in their tummies.

At the end of the meal I'd say, "Ok, everyone wash your hands." My children would comply while their children would say NO! I'd have to get up and go over to them and take them to the bathroom and do the washing and drying of their hands for them (while the parents said and did nothing). Then I'd clean up all the spilled pasta and wipe down the tables, floors etc.

Their NO to my request tells me a few things:

Mental day

One thing you'll notice growing up in Australia, is that there is not such thing as a mental day. If you or your child have any kind of mental disorder such as depression, anxiety, stress, over tired or overwhelmed, there are no systems in place for you to take days off. You can take days off, although it isn't covered by sick pay or other support systems.

With schools there are a limited amount of days your child can take off before they fall below standard attendance rates. If they miss days they're expected to get a doctors certificate. With mental days there is no doctors certificate and I've never understood the whole certificate situation. You're taking days off because you're unwell or can't function. This includes making appointments and having to get up and get dressed to go and see a doctor who will tell you what you already know.

With corona virus happening I withdrew my children from school a week before the school holidays started. Up til then they'd only had two days off, one of which was a mental day for each of them (separate days for each), and one where they were both unwell.

I received a notice saying they'd fallen below attendance rate and risked failing on account of this. That was seven days absent in term one meaning a potential fail! Imagine if they needed more mental days.

Still I persist with mental days because sometimes we need them and that's all there is to it.

One morning one child woke up and was in hysterics and unable to function mentally, let alone go to school and deal with others. Another morning another child woke up shattered, mentally exhausted, the feeling of going to school felt overwhelming.

In both cases I let them have the day off, go back to bed, sleep in, relax their mind and body. They needed it.

It is time we start to see mental days as a necessary part of school and employment. All people have days where they can't function and this should be taken into consideration.

What do you think? Have you ever given your child a mental day?

Work as a team

My partner and I do have issues and topics where we don't agree on certain rules or parenting styles, yet for the most part we work as team.

I'll cook and they'll wash dishes. They'll hang out the washing, I'll fold it up. They'll do certain tasks that are just theirs to do and I do mine. Both of us remind the children of their tasks and help each other out with chores.

We run the ship together and it runs relatively smoothly.

It wasn't always that way and we had to work through numerous issues together. Some more easily agreeable than others.

For example:

My partner believed smacking was ok and would smack our children. I don't like to smack. This lead to some disagreements and confrontations. We don't smack our children anymore.

They believe giving children junk food is ok and say it is ok in moderation. I don't like my children eating bad food often and we have debates about this issue because their idea of moderation is WAY different to mine! We give our children junk food now and again, and truthfully more times than I'm comfortable with, yet we are getting better at discussing the topic of our children's health.

Do you and your partner work as a team? Does your partner help out often? What chores do you do together and what are theirs and yours? Do you parent the children together or is there often conflict? What reoccurring arguments come up for you both?