Have you made peace with your parents?

There was a recent study done that showed that all adults have some type of trauma in their upbringing so some degree. Obviously it is considerably worse for some than for others. 

I've met adults who've had seriously traumatic upbringings who are so damaged it's heart breaking and gut wrenching. They stories they tell make me want to cry and hug them and wish they could have had better. The saddest part is, they're fundamentally left to their own devices as adults to deal with their damage and try to heal on their own.

These damaged individuals are just sent off into the world in hopes they'll just be ok or do well enough as adults. Often they fail because their trauma is too much for them to cope with every day life. Most end up abusing those around them because they don't know any other way to function. Some parent neglectfully because they would rather be too lenient than too disciplinary.

Some are lucky and break the cycle.

I am matriarch

My children idolise their dad. He isn't home as often as I am and doesn't spend as much time with them as I do, plus he also plays the good guy when he is with them. It's only natural they they adore him.

My youngest child told me the other day that they love dad more than me. I told them "I know" in my super understanding voice and that was that. Sure there was a small part of me that felt hurt. 

At the same time I know I am the matriarch in my family.

My children look up to me and they respect me. I know this because sometimes when dad is telling them to stop doing something they'll continue until I walk in the room. Then they'll stop what they're doing straight away without me having to say a word. They know I will back their dad and I say what I mean and mean what I say.

People should earn the right to be in your children's lives

I have a brother who is angry. He's often losing his temper. Recently we had a conversation after one of his outbursts, that resulted in me saying "No more" to him being in our lives. He accused me of altering my children's perception of him and withholding them (and other family members) from him.

He doesn't realise him flipping a chess game and pieces all over the place because he accidentally spilled some wine, while playing chess with one of my children, had them develop their own perception of him (he's got a temper).

Here's the thing, neither he nor anyone else is entitled to be in my children's lives no matter how much they might like and want a relationship with my children.

I am their protector. People have to earn the right to be in my children's lives and they have to work at holding onto that prestige. It's not a given simply because we are related or that you know me.

It is the same for people who are friends with my partner and I who assume their children should be in my children's lives. They're basically imposing their brats onto us. We do not have to accept that. After the situation of their children being badly behaved; killing creatures, hurting my children and being disrespectful to adults, we went out of way to keep those children away from ours. 

Eventually they asked us why and I told them, our children clash, best to keep them separated.

You should be doing this as well. Have people who enter your life prove they are worthy and hold them accountable for actions that show they are not worthy.

Your children are precious and life is precarious enough without letting bad people into your children's lives.

Detention centers and children

I've never met someone from a detention center such as the one in Darwin where Aboriginal children are locked up for petty crimes and abused. Yet I've all heard about the bad things that happen there. People ending up in there for petty reasons, minor offenses, usually their race plays a significant part, and in some cases nothing much at all lands them inside. Then they're treated badly by those in charge of caring for them!

Who are the people working there? How did they get the job? Did they pass some type of humanity test? This can't be the best we get or all we have to offer these children? Where are the good role models running these facilities? Instead they seem to have come from terrible places, come to dump their low self esteem on those stuck in these terrible places. 

They probably think it's big person stuff to oppose another's wishes and well being. They're really just adult bullies. People who bully just for the sake of being able to kid themselves, see I'm big!

Bullies are ugly, yet bullies are raised... by bullies. They learn how to bully in order to win and to survive. This is why it is so important to teach bullies the answer is NO. NO you're not going to hurt and offend children incarcerated. You're not going to demean them, big note yourself, do unto them as you'd never want done to you! If you going to treat people so deplorable you're fired!

It feels as though we're raising more and more people to feel entitled to be cruel, to bully, to think they have to be big and powerful to matter, that dumping on another person in no position of power makes the abuser feel more powerful.

People in a position of control over others should NOT be treating others as though they have no worth. EVER!

If you have to belittle others in order to feel powerful, you have NO power!

Think about that.

Ask your children to work together

My children squabble, bicker, antagonise, fight, push, shove. It's as though when they're in the near vicinity of each other they have to disagree about something.

Stopping children from fighting is tricky. I've been trying all heir lives!

Strategies that work sometimes are mediating, talking to each child about how they're feeling and things that are going on in their world; in front of siblings, giving them chores. I also talk about how we parents aren't pushing and shoving and hitting each other. I tell them sometimes I'm sure we almost feel tempted to punch or slap or say something nasty but we're adults, we don't argue that way. It's not the done thing. It is the same with siblings and school and friendships and relationships and the work force. Hitting doesn't really sort out much of anything. Communicating works best.

One thing I tried recently was asking them to work on dinner together. I was too unwell to cook and I asked the children to do the honours. Telling them they had to work together, giving them the recipe and telling them to work out who was doing what. The minute they starting running through the menu there was nit-picking, which turned into more. I had to get up and intervene. Reminding them that if they were in a work force or some such situation they'd had to be able to do this without fighting.

One child cracked the frustrations and sauntered off. The dinner was cooked without them and we all ate.

Not a raging success.

Sorry

I actually dislike the word sorry because most people who say it don't really mean it.

A cousin of mine at the checkout offers the clerk some change to make up the balance, then get a full note in return instead of more coins. Good idea. Nothing wrong there. Yet as she's picking the coins from her purse she is apologising profusely for being an inconvenience to the clerk.

Why on earth is she apologising? This is nothing to be sorry about!

NOTE: experts claim that saying sorry all the time denotes a person's belief they are not worthy of being on this earth. I can attest to this. The cousin in question is extremely insecure.

An example of someone saying sorry and not really meaning it would be an abusive partner who hits you, apologises, then does it again. If they were really, truly sorry they wouldn't do it again. What they're really apologising for is their inability to control their temper. Not that they feel so bad they won't do it again. They're saying 'I'm really a shit person who can't control my temper' and that is all their sorry means.

Sorry means you understand the hurt you caused and you feel so bad for doing it that you won't do it again. At all... ever! Sorry doesn't mean you'll do it again because you can't help yourself. That is NOT sorry. That is an excuse. Like saying sorry just because you think you should and not necessarily because you really feel remorse and understand the consequences of your actions.

Truly sorry in a situation like abuse would mean getting out of a relationship because you can't be in one without hurting somebody and seeking the necessary help to better yourself. That is genuine sorry.

Doing an action over and over again and apologising each time is not sorry.

When my partner and I have disagreements, he'll often tell me I never say sorry. That is because I re-frame it. I will say, I hear what you're saying, I understand how you feel, that it was upsetting and I won't do it again... and I don't do it again.

I'm the same with my children. I called my child an idiot out of anger, said I regret saying it, said I don't really feel that way and won't do it again. And I never did!

To me that is a more genuine apology than just saying the word sorry.

Give them a reason to leave their room

Is your teen/child spending tones of time in their bedroom hunched over a computer screen?

I'm sure I described just about every child almost everywhere? If this isn't you, what's your secret?

This is my children right now. On their devices for checking in, checking emails, school work, home work, chat with friends, listening to music, playing games. I wonder if it's called de'vice for a reason (vice = immoral or whicked. I'd also add addiction)?

It can be almost impossible to get teens in particular out of their rooms. They grumble about wanting to be left alone.

Previously I wrote about talking with teens, how to have those conversations. What if your teen won't leave their room? Well, they have to leave some times to go to the toilet, shower, eat, put clothes in the wash.

My child recently came out of their room to eat dinner. Perfect time to pounce, and by pounce I mean slink in like a smooth black cat. The conversation needs to be pleasant and engaging. Something my child won't dislike and run away from. I've talked about clashes between parenting styles. Here's an example of what that looks like and why you should avoid it.

My partner comes over to our child, agitated by some bad news the child received from school, expressing that agitation verbally. The child and I have already talked, amicably, and sorted it out. Now we're tense and my partner is grumbling.

Another child comes out to have lunch and my partner asks them if they logging in on time, keeping up with school work, any outstanding assignments; checking the child is on top of things. The child is not keen on talking about school, they're on a break. The child gives shorts answers and my partner digs for more. The child runs back into the bedroom to escape that line of questioning.

My partner is interrupting the children while they're doing school work to complain about something that hasn't been done in a tone that sounds like badgering the witness (they'd make a good lawyer). I shoo my partner away, advising that we raise these issues when the children are free.

When my child comes out of the room to eat dinner I ask, what they've been up to. Making something out of cardboard. I engage in that topic and they show me their work and we talked about it. The topic of school will also come up, in an easy going friendly way. I check if they need anything.

Can you see the difference between the two styles?

One will cause the child to hibernate more while the other engages in a somewhat meaningful conversation, getting to spend time with the child before they run back to their room to hibernate some more.

Which is more your parenting style?

My door is always open

I had a boss who said this to me and she was always approachable.  Always with a caring word, kind shoulder.  The type of boss you miss and think of from time to time.

My parenting was in it's early years when I met her and we had the same motto.  I was like this with my first child.   "You can tell me anything".

There have been times I've been confronted by what I'm hearing, still I respond as calmly as possible.  For example one of my children talked about a boy at school who was picked on and how they had joined in.  I had outright said I'm not happy to hear that.  We talked about how it would feel to be on the receiving end of that situation and how important it is to stand up for others who are in need or help.

Another child showed me an inappropriate note a young girl in class had shared.  We discussed her background and what lead to her behavior.

I have one child who is tricky to get to know.  It is hard because they keeps to themselves a lot and it's hard to help people who withdraw.  I have to find new and creative, yet not intrusive, ways to interact with them and find out how they're going.

They dislike my fussing and tell me to stop caring, when unwell and I was checking their temp, making sure they had water, checking to see if they wanted pain relief, or food.  I told my child "It's my job to care".  This is how I explain my role to my children.  It's my job.  My role in their life is to guide, help and be there for them.

I have wanted to lash out at my children from time to time and it's not as though I never loose my temper. I hold back because I want to remain approachable and there for them.

If we react with negativity, anger, disapproval, to our children they will withdraw, let us very little and not let us into their world. I want to be in my children's lives, knowing what they're up to, what is going on for them.  Are they sad, happy, frustrated, lonely? 

It's my job to know these things. Which is why my door is always open.

Raising adults

The whole point to parenting is raising children who grow up to be well adjusted adults (or as well adjusted as possible).

Some experts argue no person ever grows up perfectly adjusted and all people have some trauma or issues with their childhood.

I feel this way at times, because try as hard as I might, my children will still tell me things that make me question whether I'm doing a good job or not. For e.g. one child recently told me they're depressed and it's because we (the parents) raised them that way... i.e. being depressed ourselves made our children depressed. I've always believed depression is genetic though the concept of nature vs nurture is not lost on me.

However, the constant that keeps me believing I'm doing ok is how my eldest child has turned out.