Trust is earned

Often parents say this about their children, however parents have to be trustworthy too.

There's no point telling a child you verbally or physically abuse that trust is earned. There is no point in telling a child you berate and insult to show you respect. There's not point in having children you spoil and don't discipline and telling them they must listen to you. There's no point in leaving your children with strangers so you can go off to get high or drunk and insisting your children love and adore you no matter what.

As a parent you need to earn that trust as well. You need to be the type of person you want your children to be. If you want them to be respectful show them respect. If you want them to be caring, be caring. If you want them to grow up being well rounded people, don't dump them on strangers while you selfishly pursue your own agenda, or insult and berate them, or abuse them and ruin who they could be.

Parenting is hard. There is no manual on how to be a good parent and there are a lot of mixed messages on what it means to be a good parent. Some will read this blog and dislike my methods while others think some of it is ok, for some the words might resonate. 

Much of what we do as parents is the same stuff that was done to us growing up because it's what we learned. What we know. It's too easy to fall back into a pattern of yelling at your children or hitting them if that is what was done to you as a child. That's what you know. You don't know how to be any other way. Right?

Yet, everything you do as a parent you do as a choice. You can choose to be an awful parent or you can choose to be a nice parent. You can choose to remain ignorant or you can choose to educate yourself; go out and read those parent books or parenting blogs, go and speak to parenting experts, borrow books from the library, ask people whom you feel parent well for tips or help.

Make it your job, because it is YOUR job, to be a trustworthy, caring and loving parent. It is YOUR job to make sure your children do not get so damaged they turn into problem adults, who suffer and struggle through life wondering how to make themselves feel better. Only to have children of their own whom they struggle to love and care for.

Struggling as a parent? Have violent tendencies and anger issues? Seek help. Ask questions from people who give helpful advice.

Types of school parents

Minglers. 

They gather in groups, happily conversing the time away while they wait for the bell to go and their children to come rushing out. How is so & so? How's the weather, they ask. Small talk. I happily watch those minglers wondering how they manage to do it. How they stay so cheerful and positive, even how they tell negative stories in a positive way. "Oh yeah, he's struggling with English at the moment, his math is great though." "Yeah, hubby's been sick for 3 day now, the man flu." They laugh at the appropriate times, ask the right questions. Never seem to be stressed, anxious, depressed, while they talk about work, husband, children, weather.

There are shy parents who stand back. Up front parents who confront. Too-busy parents who professed to have tonnes of work to do, never enough time to get it all done.

Teach your children how to cook

Curtis Stone, Jamie Oliver and many others out there are stating that too many children today are growing up unable to cook. They get to their teens then adulthood without ever having learned the most basic dishes. These same people usually turn to junk food and take away or frozen dinners which only compels our obesity crisis. They're also more likely to raise children who can't cook and the cycle continues.

I've seen this for myself.  With the introduction of ready made foods many friends I grew up with had parents who were heating up meals but not actually preparing or cooking meals. Those friends grew up unable to cook and now have children who are also not embracing cooking.  That is generations of people losing one of our most basic survival skills: cooking!!!!

Recently there was a meme floating around on social media, meant to be a funny joke that said: "Men cooking... Because the last generation of mothers didn't teach their daughters jack."

That joke puts all the onus on mothers failing and suggests that men cooking is a bad thing. The truth is a great many males and females haven't learned to cook even the most basic foods.

Fussy eater

I think most parents have at least one fussy eater during their time. Either their own children or another child they're looking after. For me it's my youngest. The list of foods they won't eat is long and their reaction to being served foods they refuse to eat is tiresome and annoying.

They burst into tears each and every time they're is given something they don't like. They'll be given mashed potato, sausages and beans and be in tears because they don't like mashed potato and beans. They'll be given a jam sandwich and burst into tears because they don't like jam. They'll burst into tears because they don't like bananas, or carrots, or Brussels sprouts (ok, I understand that one), or peas, or corn, or lettuce, or tomato...

The list of dislikes is endless, if not growing, while the choice of likes mostly revolves around foods that don't hold much nutritional value - such as foods made with processed wheat and sweets. I don't really understand the outbursts either because it's not as though they work. They don't get another meal in it's place. They don't get to eat the bits they like and leave the bits they don't; that results in being sent to bed or not getting anything else to eat until the other food is eaten. Yet they continue to cry and cry and cry each time they're served something they don't like.

I'm getting to breaking point with this child because my other children understand how food works in our house. It is a privilege to be getting food because many people go without wholesome foods daily.

Seriously there are people going hungry as we speak, homeless people with no means of getting a decent meal, poverty stricken countries with no means of feeding their people, and overweight people making really bad food choices and killing themselves and their children slowly.

Ditch the dummy

I had a little girl come and stay with me. She was 3 at the time and still very much addicted to her dummy, sucking on it during the day, all day actually. Up the street when shopping, at the playground, kinder etc.

Her parents couldn't get her to stop using her dummy but then they had difficulty doing a great many things for their little girl and no one to help them with their ordeals. And also suffering from a little bit of parental laziness. 

They had talked to me about their dilemma in getting their daughter to ditch the dummy and I had given advice which they promptly put in the too hard basket. They mentioned hoping I'd have some luck getting her ditch the dummy when they dropped her off for the weekend.

Soon after this little girl came to stay with me we lost the dummy. She spent a good part of the day trying to find it, trying to remember when she saw it last. I helped her look as well, pretending I didn't know where it was.

I thought she'd be upset, crying her eyes out, but she just got on with her time with us. We played inside, went for walks, went to the park, cooked and ate and generally had a good time.

By the time her parents came back to pick her up she had all but forgotten about the dummy. I talked to the mum about how we lost the dummy and how the little girl was fine without it. Thinking I'd done her a nice favour. The mum had said she wanted the dummy gone but didn't know how to do it.

A couple of days later I find out she had her dummy again, wouldn't give it up and the parents couldn't get her to stop using it again.

Sometimes parents create battles for themselves with their children. Sometimes they create battles where there need not be any. They think giving in to every whim makes their lives easier or their child happier. They think taking the lazy, I can't be bothered, way out makes their battle less troublesome. That is far from the truth.

Control crying, is it bad?

Many people debate control crying. A lot of people talk about both sides of the story leaving you wondering is it really that bad/good?

There are also a great many mothers out there not getting a good night's sleep even though their child is over 12 months and should now be sleeping through the night.

I was one such mother.

When my partner and I had our first child they had no idea what they were doing. They'd never been a parent before and didn't know what to expect and how to deal with a crying baby. Every time the baby cried they went running to it to pick it up and comfort it, or pressure me into doing so. Certain the baby was in some type of distress.

Tell them good tales

Every now and then your child(ren) will feel unloved or unappreciated or disliked. This might be after they've gotten in trouble for doing something they shouldn't have and they'll feel disheartened.

One way I like to cheer mine up is by having fun positive conversations with them. I like to randomly tell them a good news story about themselves.

I'll say "I remember that time you did that 500 piece jigsaw puzzle when you were five. The whole family was so amazed and impressed!"

A little tale like that will brighten a child's day. You've reminded them that you have fond happy memories of them and you've let them know the family is equally fond of them.

I'll talk to others about them in a positive way in front of them, "He's the most amazing plate catcher I've ever seen, I was so impressed when he caught the plate just before it hit the ground!"

A little tale like that will make a child feel proud of themselves and let them know others are also proud of them and impressed with their abilities. Even if they'd dropped the plate the act of trying to catch it would still be an impressive tale to tell.

Find those tales, search your memories, remember those proud, fond, fun moments and share them with your child and to others in front of your child. To remind them you think of them, appreciate them and enjoy letting others know you're proud of them.

The importance of child locks

I'm going to jump straight in here with a story.

I have a friend of a friend who's child had an inappropriate experience with another child. This other child comes from a family that do not have child locks on their internet devices (computer, iPads, mobiles phones) despite the fact that the father of this household is heavy into online pornography. According to his friends, the type of adult content he views is beyond the standard, the more shocking the better. Not that is would necessarily make a difference if the content wasn't mainstream.

The children play on these devices and have seen this adult content and not being able to understand what's going on, the young son, tried to act out some images with other children. Parents were told and a conversation ensued, yet the parents in question downplayed the incident and still refuse to put locks on their devices. It seems they don't see this incident as that bad a thing. Heaven knows what the wife/mum makes of all this?

Don't blame your parents for your failures

There is a saying about how you can't blame your parents for your life being bad once you're the one in the driving seat.

We're pretty much in the driving seat once we move out of home. Sure, we still have our parents voices in our head, and if it was negative it's hard to get those voices to stop. Sometimes it's even hard to like ourselves depending on the type of damage your parents have done.

Still it's up to us to take over the wheel and be the drivers of our own life and stop blaming our parents and using them as our excuse for failure.

Are you guilty of this? Have you struggled to let go of the hurt your parents inflicted on you? Have you struggled to be a better parent than they were because you don't know any other way?

They key to letting go of the past and who your parents told you you are is finding yourself. Finding those things that make you happy and going for it.

How to get children to clean their room

Are you overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done around your house? Do your family members take you for granted, wallowing in the mess they create knowing that eventually you'll be the one to clean it up?

This is a scenario that is familiar to many parents, especially mothers.

So how do you get your children to clean their rooms on a regular basis so that you're not the one having to do all the work? 

Here's what I suggest.

Vying for love

I have a friend, who is now a grown women with children of her own, who is still vying for the attention of her mother.

It's sad to have watched how it played out over the course of many years. I remember having conversations with the mother about how detrimental her parenting towards her daughter was. Sadly it fell on deaf ears.

This situation was a case of the mother spoiling her daughter, letting her daughter call the shots, wanting to be liked by her daughter, then having these emotional breakdowns when the daughter's behavior got too overwhelming, then backing down and caving in when the daughter got upset by the yelling and potential discipline.

Your bad upbringing can go 3 ways

1) You continue the abuse.

2) You stop the abuse and learn better ways to parent.

3) You become a doormat to the child, so afraid of being strict you go the other way entirely. (I've also seen people who have had good upbringings go this way).

Obviously number 2 is the best option. Number 1 is sad for obvious reasons; you'd think not liking being abused the parent would not wish that upon their own children, yet sadly it doesn't work that way because we do what we know and are familiar with.

Option 3 is also a tragic option that I have witnessed first hand.

Responsibility equals good behavior

If you've ever watched the show The World's Strictest Parents you will have notice one key ingredient they use for creating well behaved, well mannered children. Responsibility, and lots of it.

The worse the behavior the bigger the responsibility the child (including teens) is given.  

Raising brats

Some parents don't know they're raising brats or if they do, they don't understand why their children are that way. They foolishly think there is nothing they're doing to cause it and nothing they can do to stop it.

For example: I know a lady with teen daughters who don't help around the house. She can't get them to do any house work or contribute in a healthy way that helps her run the house smoothly. She'll ask them to do a chore and they'll say later and never do it. Then she'll complain to others that her children aren't helping out and she cant' get them to help out. Some one suggested she stop driving her daughters places they wish to go until such time as they're helping out. She said she can't do that because she feels obligated to driver her daughters here and there.

Pay attention to the good things

Recently I caught my child eating in a room they're not meant to eat in. Yes we have 'no food allowed' rooms. It saves on cleaning and we all know how relentless cleaning is, especially when there are children involved.

At first I was cross with them and gave them stern words about being in a room with food when they know they're not allowed to eat in there. They tried to tell me they didn't know that rule which caused me to have more words about how untrue that statement is.

I was stern, but not too cross, because it is just a room and no harm was done.

Those flip out moments

If we're honest with ourselves we all have flip out moments as parents. It's how we deal with those moments that makes all the difference because it's those flip out moments that our children tend to remember the most.

If you think about your parents can you recall the times your parents got angry with you? Or can you only recall happy moments because that was all your childhood was filled with (lucky you)? For most of us those angry moments stand out in our memories. If those moments were frequent it can seem like that was all our childhood was about; angry parents who never stopped yelling at us and telling us how bad we were.

Being yelled at doesn't feel good. Getting into trouble doesn't feel good. Yet learning lessons is a normal part of childhood and it's the parents job to teach their children those valuable lessons. In good ways a child can learn from without being made to feel bad about themselves. 

Does the consequence fit the crime?

Along with consistency there must also be consequences, preferably immediate!!

Let me jump straight into examples.

Scenario 1) Your child is on a trampoline and is pushing other children. He pushes one child over and that child gets hurt. You do nothing and he does it again. This time another child gets hurt. After a while you tell your child if they don't stop they'll have their iPad  taken away for a week.

What's wrong with that scenario?

It's all about choices

My kids have been driving me nuts lately. Not sure if their behavior is worse or my fuse is shorter. Most likely the latter. It seems like they can't go near each other lately without something going wrong: i.e. someone getting hurt or things getting out of hand and becoming noisy.

I was at boot camp, not a particularly fun thing, and there were other children around. When my children started interacting with theirs things quickly escalated between my children. One got a little too excited and boisterous and the other tried to calm them down forcefully. They're carrying on, 'Get off me', 'No, stop being stupid'. I have to call out for them twice, they don't stop when I call because they're so busy fighting they can't hear me (or pretending not to). I have to leave the training to sternly tell them off and get their annoying he said she said story. While I'm thinking, 'Don't care, handle it better and behave yourselves.'

Big consequences for big actions

Children do minor things that don't turn out ok and then they do big things that end up disastrous. Usually accidents; an idea or game that wasn't thought out well.

That happened here and I was ropeable. My children had been playing, It went from Lego to following each other around the house to minor wrestling to one getting boofed in the face. Ending up in cries of pain and a flood of tears.

I investigated what happened and got different stories, as you do. The children were separated and quizzed again detective style where I found out one had thought it would be ok to ask the other sibling to kick them in the tummy, but do it softly.  They'll ring the bell if things get too hard. To them this sounded good. To me I can see many flaws in their action plan.

How to deal with tantrums

Here are some examples of tantrums and how they were dealt with.

1) A mother had this 3 year old daughter. This little girl would often through tantrums to get her way. An example of that is: one day the daughter wanted some chocolate and the mother said no. The little girl went out to the front door step (very clever, she knew it would draw a crowd) and began screaming and crying. Lying on the ground billowing and throwing her arms about. The mother tried to ignore her but found she couldn't and ended up going up to the daughter with some chocolate.

2) Another time that little girl tried the same tantrum for the same reason when a visitor was there. This time the visitor asked the mum to close the front door and walk away, and she distracted the mother whose child was having a fit on the front doorstep. The little girl stopped her tantrum on the doorstep and came inside. She had wanted attention and didn't get any. She did however begin the tantrum again on the floor in front of her mother. She was use to this working and getting her way.

Talk about being fair

One thing children often squabble over is lack of fairness in a game. When one party is calling all the shots and making all the rules and they win all of the time (it's usually the bigger or older child calling the shots).

It's one of those situations that make the other kids whine and sook because they want it to be fair yet can't get it to change; because they're not strong enough or big enough or brave enough to stand up to the other sibling. They'll call in the artillery, in this case the parents or adults, and get their help in sorting things out.

An annoying scenario to any adult who sees the situation and insists on children playing fair because the children always say they are or they will play fair... and never do.

The little girl who won't eat

I have a friend who has a daughter and from the moment she could eat it seemed she didn't want to, she didn't like food. Not real food anyway.

Instead her diet consisted of BBQ shapes, potato chips, cheezles, tiny teddies, chocolate, flavoured milk, soft drink and other high processed treats. Give her anything nutritious and she'd carry on and protest and refuse to eat. Maybe she'd go for some pasta but certainly no fruit or vegetables or meat.

This pore little girl was constipated ALL the time and was so scared to go to the toilet, because it would hurt, that she would hold on for days. Making going to the toilet all the more scary and painful.

You give me no, I'll give you no

My child is starting to try and defy me and stand up for themselves more. They're at that age where they feel they're growing up and should have more control over me and the things they're allowed to do.

Most children will go throw various phases of trying to stand up to their parents, of trying to gain the upper hand. This could be because they're spoiled and feel entitled, or it could be because they're permanently squashed and will one day rebel and fight back. Or, in my child's case, it could be because they go through a phase of feeling like everything is unfair and they feel hard done by.

That's not to say those feelings aren't true for them, or valid. Still, it's all about how a child goes about trying to get a better more fairer deal for themselves.

Dealing with meltdowns

It's normal for people to have meltdowns. We all do it from time to time. Sometimes we've let a situation get the better of us for too long and we eventually hit breaking point and our world comes crashing down.

This could be stress at work, a partner treating you badly for too long, or a child who has bad a big long tiring day who goes into meltdown mode.

As adults we might yell or scream or swear, or continue to hold it in and become very unhealthy or negative. As a child it tends to result in tears, defiance and tantrums.

My child had such a meltdown recently. We'd had a big eventful day that resulted in lots of physical activity and lots of energy being spent. Needless to say the little one was tired by around 4pm. Just before dinner was served he went into meltdown mode. Crying profusely at nothing in particular. The end of the world had come.

The trouble with bigoted parents is

They pass their negative views of the world onto their children. This can be anything from hating gays to hating Muslims, from hating other races to hating single mothers.

Bigoted = obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief, opinion, or faction, and intolerant towards other people's beliefs and practices.

If you carry on about how bad these people are in front of your children, they too will grow up with your twisted views of the world. In some cases those children will grow up and realise your views were bigoted and form their own more fairer views of the world. In other cases they'll follow along with the family legacy you or your parents or grandparents before you created and reek havoc on the world. Just like you have.

If you don't want your child to watch it turn it off

Are you one of those parents who monitors what your children watch and make sure it's suitable and
age appropriate? No swearing, no nudity, no violence, no adult content? Or are you one of those parents who think it's ok for children to be exposed to those things so long as their parents explain the context of what's being shown? Assuming all parents who allow their children to view adult content actually do explain anything to them (what percentage do you suppose that is?).

You would have heard the saying, "If you don't want your child to watch it turn it off".

That has to be one of the most ignorant and irrational sayings I've ever heard. The type of people who say that either don't have children, don't care about the inappropriate things on TV or radio, have no intention of going against the inappropriate things going on around them because it's too much hassle, or have a vested interest in airing adult content. It's their way of shoving it under the carpet and putting the responsibility back on to parents.

Compliment your children

If  there is one thing I couldn't stress enough as a parent it's this: compliment your children. 

Don't over do it. Don't raise one of those pampered beauty pageant type kids who think they're gods gift to the world even though they haven't actually done a great deal to make a difference to the world. Keep it real and make it simple.

It is a good thing to try and find out the things your child likes to be told. You can do this by talking to them and finding out their interests, or you can do it by trial and error and see what lights them up.

Children tend to like hearing simple appreciative things like: good manners, thanks for helping, I hear you playing nicely, good job, good work, it's nice to see you smile, I like hearing you laugh, hello gorgeous / handsome / beautiful / precious, wow you ate all your dinner, well done, you're awesome.

If your dealing with teenagers the compliments could be a bit more adult like: tell me that funny story again, I love seeing you happy, thanks for putting the dishes away, you're a great listener, good job on your assignment.

Do you know where your children are?

A friend was telling me about a story in the news of two 15 year old boys who were stabbed while walking around late at night. The first thing she said was, "Why were they allowed to walk around at night?" My thoughts exactly. Where were these boy's parents keeping them home and safe? Why were they allowed to roam the streets late at night (the attack happened around 10:30pm)? Why did their parents not know or care where they were?

I want vs can I please have

Child: "I want (insert item)."
Parent: "I want 1 million dollars delivered by Keanu Reeves but that's not going to happen."

Point: you can't always get what you want.

I was out and about shopping and I heard a little girl in a stroller whine to her mum, "I want juice!" She whinged and cried and demanded a particular colour while the mum tried to keep her happy and comply.

Such a rude disrespectful way to speak to your parents. 'I want' is a demand no child should be making. It's even worse when the parent responds with ok, alright or yes. This only reinforces the child's belief they're allowed to be demanding and get everything they want.

Sit down and eat together

When you were growing up did your family sit around the table together eating a meal? Did your parents join you and did you all have lovely chats about your day? Or were you one of those families who ate in front of the TV with little to no conversation because you were glued to what you're watching? Or maybe you all ate in separate rooms?

Mine did not sit together. The kids ate at the dinning table while parents ate in the lounge room in front of the TV. There was no conversation and if kids talked at the table we got in trouble. Some times sent to the laundry to eat or to bed without finishing our dinner.

Now I have my own family we always sit together at the dinner table for meals. We chat and talk about our day or things that are on our mind. We take the time to sit and enjoy our food and our time together as a family. Now and then one child will be told to eat more / talk less, or calm down because they're getting a bit silly. Overall it's fun family time together.

If your children have bad teeth it's your fault

I have this motto: if children have cavities the parent hasn't done a good enough job. I'm not talking about random teeth disorders that are out of your hands. I'm talking about outright neglect. As parents it's your job to look after your children. This includes their weight, their health and their teeth.

Too many parents give their children flavoured milk, juice, lollies, sugary cereals and chocolate in daily doses or ever couple of days, a couple of times a week. Many do this with their babies and toddlers. There are too many children with cavities and rotten BABY teeth! That is outright abuse in my books.

Your child knows nothing about tooth decay, eating healthy foods, brushing regularly. Your job as a parent is to teach them this. Help them avoid bad sugary foods. Teach them to brush their teeth morning and night. Not let your children's teeth rot because you're too weak to say no to that bad food YOU KNOW they shouldn't be eating.

Children and pets

Did your children get a pet for Christmas? Did you have a talk about how the pet is their responsibility? How they have to feed it, give it water, clean up after it. How you won't be do any of that for them.

Come time to actually care for the pet and responsibility falls on the parents shoulders no matter what they think they previously arranged with the children.

Sound familiar? Does to me. I hear it all the time. Parents complaining about how they got their child a pet, told their child they have to take care of that pet and now the parent is doing all the work.

These parents say things like 'Now I have to feed it all the time' or 'I'm the one having to empty the litter tray' or 'I have to walk the dog because they won't do it'. When I tell them they don't have to do any of it they start making up excuses as to why they do. The pet will starve, the child always forgets, the child just won't do it.